Ask Me Anything, I Want Fried Rice: Day 22

Ask Me Anything, I Want Fried Rice: Day 22

2.1.15

Day 22

Not hard to write 500 words today.

Started with a nice open-mouthed nap on the 1 hour flight to Thailand. We scooted to our hotel in Ao Nang and I think we’re all pretty used to Bali villa life because when they weren’t there to greet us and carry my luggage up the stairs I was giving them dirty looks suitable for a Kardashian. Don’t these fuckers know who we are? Irrational thoughts living in SE Asia where $20 makes you a somebody.

But the place is charming, Alisea Boutique Hotel, or something like that. Spanish style – tile floors, open air lobby, thick wooden doors with old school keys to each room. Would be quite a place for some baby making.

We dropped our stuff and took a walk into town. Initial observations indicated that Ao Nang might host some of the ugliest tourists in modern history. It’s sad to say, I know, but it’s more painful to see in person. Every fat European that thought speedos were a good idea decided to come here this week. Every one of them. There’s enough saggy man boob here to make everyone think that exercise is the enemy to a happy life.

What’s arguably worse, are the perky man boobs that show up on every corner. The Thai Lady Boys. With their large fake boobs that will catch you staring, and maybe you’ll even have the thought for a split second, and then you see their goddamn Adam’s apple and you don’t know whether to punch yourself in the face or pretend it never happened.

Walking on the “sidewalk” in Asia is kind of like hiking. If you take your eyes off the ground you will end up in a never bothered to be covered up manhole with a broken ankle and tetniss. Just like hiking.

City planners all got together and sorted it out. “Let’s build a sidewalk barely wide enough for people to walk on to begin with. Then, let’s put a bunch of shit everywhere.”

If it sounds like I’m complaining, don’t worry, I am. But that’s just the first hour or so. I hate the first hour of anything. It’s not personal. As the night went on, we caught dinner on the beach and watched the sunset over the islands. We cruised the streets and found a bar that will be playing the Superbowl tomorrow morning at 6am. And we caught a ride back to the hotel in a golf car scooter hybrid. Like a motorcycle with a sidecar only a scooter and half a golf cart welded to the side of it.

And after that, we jumped in the back of a van suitable for Vietnamese refugees and rode to the 3rd largest Muay Thai stadium in all of Thailand to watch teenagers beat the shit out of each other. If it was 3rd largest then it was definitely 1st shittiest. Half the seats were collapsed on the ground and the other half were coated in staph infection. I couldn’t rest my elbow on the arm rest because I could actually see ring worm. But man, seeing the ‘locals only’ pit standing ringside and betting on their 14 year old nephews really made it all worthwhile.

This place is charming. By the end of tomorrow I’ll have a routine – food stalls I like to eat at, foot rub place where they can work on my dogs, and a general idea of how to navigate the city.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *