Fuckin Bradley Cooper. Look at him eat that ice cream. Think he ever doubts himself?
I’ve got so many different threads going right now. My Moleskin. The meditation journal. 500 words per day thread. iPhone notes for film ideas. Letters.
Maybe I could just do one thing and be happy with that. Who knows if I’ll finish any of this shit. I need an assistant. I’ve never had much luck with assistants, I feel bad making them do work that I know I could do. But I’m hitting a point where my productivity could triple if I passed along some of the busy work. For example. I write my journal entries. I need someone to transfer them to word docs and then upload to the server. They could compile my meditation entries into a book after I hit the 1 year of meditation mark. All the unedited film I’ve shot, just need someone to jump on Final Cut to polish them off. I’m beating myself up over trying to finish everything myself. That means a lot to me. Like I could look my old man in the face and say, “See, my generation does know how to work hard.” But it would be a lie. I don’t want to work at all. Or maybe I do, who the fuck knows what the truth is?
Just made my way back from dinner. Walking solo in Kuala Lumpur is like performing brain surgery. Nothing lines up neatly, everything is under construction, and the people walking around are fucking bonkers. But I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can get from A to B without questioning myself too much.
But why not just make a gd choice?
I’m realizing that I operate a lot from a scarcity model. Everything is bound to fail. I’m going to fail, you’re going to fail, we’re going to fail, might as well prepare for it. I’ve never looked at my decision making process like this before. I’m always assuming shit is about to tank. Why? Don’t know. I didn’t grow up poor. I’ve never really failed at anything. Actually, I usually fucking rule at everything I take on. So why be so paranoid? Am I not a confident person?
I think too much. Can’t deal with uncertainty. I’m controlling to the next level. That’s why I’ve built my life the way I have. I control everything and everyone that comes in. It’s my terms or get the fuck out. And I’m cool about it, I know it, but still, being on the road for 6 weeks and losing control of most everything I’ve built really rips me a new b hole.
Tendency – when I don’t have control of an outcome I assume the worst. Play the game like a chicken shit. That way, I don’t have to be surprised if I put it on the line and it doesn’t work out. I don’t have to make an excuse after failing because I’ve dripped in enough foreshadowing to where the conclusion is inevitable and ultimately not my fault.
Good thing to realize. But what can I do? Not really sure.
I think I”ll analyze my behavior objectively.
Things I constantly think about.
How long till I have no more money and I’m a failure? Have I ever not had money? No. I’ve been close as shit but I always find a way.
Has my heart ever been permanently broken? No. I would say that my relationships, romantic and non, get better the more I practice.
Are my ideas good? It seems so. People listen to me when I talk and I have respect in my community that I’ve been in for 7 years. Seems like they would have figured out by now if I was a dipshit.
Am I a good person? Questionable, but yes. I’ve fucked up majorly a few times and done so with people I love tremendously. But I still have people in my corner. There are still people willing to pick up the phone even after I’ve done major damage.
Do I work hard? Yes. Although I have to cringe to admit it, I outwork most people I know. Because people are talking about work all the time, and being busy, and all their ideas and shit like that for days, but I don’t see that much coming out of them, more like I hear it but I don’t actually see the labor happening. I’ve built real skills, taught myself how to do a lot of things, and make money in different ways. Although I’m scared to fail, put me toe to toe with most anyone on this planet and I will grind that motherfucker to the bone.
All I have to do is remove all emotion and function like a robot and I’ll stop having nervous breakdowns every quarter.
Would like to find away to eliminate self doubt and just plow forward.