There are many reasons why my past relationships have ended. I have been insecure, angry, unable to open up. I have gone for women with big pasts knowing I wasn’t yet mature enough to handle their stories. Most importantly, I have never been able to communicate what it is that I actually wanted, only tried …
Sometime in January, 2019. 10:14PM Couch, San Diego I’m generally monogamous. Once I sleep with a new person I usually stop talking to anyone else. There’s an assumption of exclusivity. You are sharing something deeply personal and trusting each other. Until that point, I am open to running multiple courses simultaneously to see what I …
11.13.20 – 4:27PM. Living room chair Like any sensitive person, I feel the entire range of the emotional spectrum from one moment to the next. I have spent most of my time trying to find ways to avoid things that don’t make me feel good. I am not typically an accepting person. I have started doing …
It’s quiet in my apartment. I laugh because I don’t know what to say. I can’t describe her, even when I try. I can describe Maddy – smart, outspoken, authentic, fiery, passionate, hardworking, a gifted story-teller, insecure, lovely, and intense. I can’t quite pin Erica down. Tonight was my 5th date with Erica. For those …
INTRO: I’ve spent a lot of time in relationships finding clever ways to keep some distance from my partners without making it appear that there was an actual problem. There is a fine line between aspirational independence within a relationship and making sure I am busy enough to have an alibi for my disconnectedness. I’ve …
Just before the holidays, 2019. “I’d like to skip all this and be an old man too, for the record,” Maddy texts me. I like that she doesn’t change the volume of her voice when she is talking in public. Even if everyone can hear what she says, she carries on, unphased. That is the …
Present Day I often have interesting thoughts before falling asleep. I’ll be lying in bed and it will hit me clearly and no matter what time it is I will feel a rush of energy. But I don’t always have my journal next to me and I don’t always get up to write it down. …
December, 2019 Maddy and I met at the Angelika to see Dark Waters, which was basically Spotlight again but this time about bad chemical companies. She was coming straight from work and I was coming straight from doing basically nothing. I was on time and she was a few minutes late. When she did arrive …
8.12.19 Charlie tells me that if I can carve out a few things a day that I am thankful for and remove a few things that aren’t good for me, then I am making progress. Right now, I am thankful for the scene in our apartment. I am sitting down to meditate and A is …
I kissed Maddy before I kissed Erica. But I had gone on more dates with Erica and known her longer. We texted frequently and had a familiarity after a while. When I texted, “Come over,” after seeing the red dress selfie, I had just recently recovered from the first time I sent those words to …
