Chiang Mai Travel Photography

This article is about Chiang Mai travel photography

My last trip to Thailand (Krabi) was not even remotely enjoyable as I had to stare at fat, hairy men in leather speedos in every possible direction. Chiang Mai looked a lot more promising.

We stayed at the sala lanna hotel along the Eastern bank of the Ping River. It was billed as a 5 star and I’d say that was pretty accurate. These small style hotels in SE Asia are really good at giving you personal attention and taking care of just about every need possible. I don’t like to abuse it because I’m not a creepy guy on a business trip but it’s nice to know they care.

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We went to the Doi Suthep Buddhist temple and saw some young monks in training walking barefoot up the mountain road with what I’m guessing was all their personal belongings in a sling over their shoulder. Was unique for sure.

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There were tigers at Tiger Kingdom (not going to give them a link because they kinda suck). I’m glad I got to experience one up close and my insta blew up after posting a photo petting the tiga but this place was absolute shit and I’m embarrassed to have given them my money. They have these sticks and they poke the tigers around and make stupid jokes like they could attack us at any moment and ultimately they were just using the tigers to make money. But, TIGER SELFIE!

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Other unmentionables throughout the trip…

Then Patara Elephant Farm (link to Trip Advisor reviews where they have a legit 5 star average on over 2,400 reviews). Jesus this place was amazing. First of all, it was about 2 hours remote drive into pure nature. Up a narrow and steep road along the edge of mountain that made the bends in Big Sur seem like a residential road in Ohio. We pulled up and it was straight Jurassic Park, just acres and acres of valleys and mountains with giant ass elephants roaming freely.

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We paid top dollar for Thailand to take care of our own elephant for the day – feeding, talking, walking, bathing, riding, and bonding. I had the biggest elephant, Boon, who was 32 years old and the father of 24 elephants. Baller. All the other people were either taking care of Boon’s ladies or his kids and we were just walking around talking about life with a 3 foot penis.

We hit the Sunday night market and Nimman Rd for food and local style, which were both cool experiences. And got some massages because for $7/hr it’s hard to say no. Despite everything I’ve heard, no one tried to tug my johnson. Which was good because I had a lot of anxiety over how to handle that situation should it have happened.

Overall, Chiang Mai was cool. Wouldn’t say it’s a holy sanctuary or super spiritual vibe. That’s Ubud, Bali hands down not even a close comparison. But Chiang Mai was charming and the day with elephants made the entire trip. Also, I was able to get some pretty cool travel photographs.

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Updates From Krabi: Day 23

2.2.15

Day 23

My neck is swollen, literally. Mama Thai didn’t believe me when I told her my neck was injured. She thought that meant put her thumb through my trap all the way into my clavicle. I think when I blacked out for a second she thought I was very relaxed. She tried to Segal me like 7 times before I had to use Aikido to get her hands off my neck. I still feel pretty good though, because it was obvious that this was all because she cared about me a lot.

Our boatman has been secured for tomorrow. We’ll take a wooden long tail boat out to island cruise and get some snorkeling in. We got a private boat to protect us from Mainland Chinese tourists as well as Russian men with nipple piercings and capris. There isn’t a price you could put on that kind of freedom.

I got fitted for my first custom shirt today. The tailor did his measurements because I want a very nice and fresh white button down. Plain, clean, crisp. Like toasted oatmeal. I have a 17” neck. That’s some hulk shit. And a 42.5” chest. I’m what you might call broad chested if ya know what I mean. He’s going to do this whole deal, make my shirt out of starch grains, bring me back in for a final alternation, and them I’m flying home the best dressed guy in town for $25. And I didn’t even barter with him. I’m tired of bartering in SE Asia. These people are so damn poor. We’re talking a buck or two, who gives a shit really? Although I did talk the ladies down on our massages today because they were cheaper down the street. That is sensical.

It felt pretty good watching the Patriots beat the garbage trash bag Seahawks today. Someone should take Sherman out back and put him down for good because he’s an idiot. People complained about the Patriots and the deflated balls but the NFL released an apology because only 1 of the balls turned out to be under inflated and the Pats had no knowledge. People won’t believe that, they would rather hate because Brady is the best quarter back of all time and he’s banging a Victoria Secret supermodel so naturally he must be a bad guy. And Belichick has been scouting football teams since he was literally 9 so he must be a cheating son of a bitch too. They are winners. Brady is a winner, Belichick is a winner, and the Patriots are winners.

We watched the game at a sports bar in town at 6am. Scrambled eggs, bacon, and sausage were included in the $10 ticket price. 38 of us sat there, blood shot eyes, not from drinking but from it being 6am, watching some good old pig skin.

All in a days work here in Krabi. When I’m not out there in the world doing the good man’s work, I’m on my computer writing letters because it brings closer to being able to say the things that I want to say to the people that I want to say them to.

Ask Me Anything, I Want Fried Rice: Day 22

2.1.15

Day 22

Not hard to write 500 words today.

Started with a nice open-mouthed nap on the 1 hour flight to Thailand. We scooted to our hotel in Ao Nang and I think we’re all pretty used to Bali villa life because when they weren’t there to greet us and carry my luggage up the stairs I was giving them dirty looks suitable for a Kardashian. Don’t these fuckers know who we are? Irrational thoughts living in SE Asia where $20 makes you a somebody.

But the place is charming, Alisea Boutique Hotel, or something like that. Spanish style – tile floors, open air lobby, thick wooden doors with old school keys to each room. Would be quite a place for some baby making.

We dropped our stuff and took a walk into town. Initial observations indicated that Ao Nang might host some of the ugliest tourists in modern history. It’s sad to say, I know, but it’s more painful to see in person. Every fat European that thought speedos were a good idea decided to come here this week. Every one of them. There’s enough saggy man boob here to make everyone think that exercise is the enemy to a happy life.

What’s arguably worse, are the perky man boobs that show up on every corner. The Thai Lady Boys. With their large fake boobs that will catch you staring, and maybe you’ll even have the thought for a split second, and then you see their goddamn Adam’s apple and you don’t know whether to punch yourself in the face or pretend it never happened.

Walking on the “sidewalk” in Asia is kind of like hiking. If you take your eyes off the ground you will end up in a never bothered to be covered up manhole with a broken ankle and tetniss. Just like hiking.

City planners all got together and sorted it out. “Let’s build a sidewalk barely wide enough for people to walk on to begin with. Then, let’s put a bunch of shit everywhere.”

If it sounds like I’m complaining, don’t worry, I am. But that’s just the first hour or so. I hate the first hour of anything. It’s not personal. As the night went on, we caught dinner on the beach and watched the sunset over the islands. We cruised the streets and found a bar that will be playing the Superbowl tomorrow morning at 6am. And we caught a ride back to the hotel in a golf car scooter hybrid. Like a motorcycle with a sidecar only a scooter and half a golf cart welded to the side of it.

And after that, we jumped in the back of a van suitable for Vietnamese refugees and rode to the 3rd largest Muay Thai stadium in all of Thailand to watch teenagers beat the shit out of each other. If it was 3rd largest then it was definitely 1st shittiest. Half the seats were collapsed on the ground and the other half were coated in staph infection. I couldn’t rest my elbow on the arm rest because I could actually see ring worm. But man, seeing the ‘locals only’ pit standing ringside and betting on their 14 year old nephews really made it all worthwhile.

This place is charming. By the end of tomorrow I’ll have a routine – food stalls I like to eat at, foot rub place where they can work on my dogs, and a general idea of how to navigate the city.