Dad Dick: 500 Words a Day – Day 1

Dad Dick: 500 Words a Day – Day 1

*photo by Bundaberg Ginger Beer on Youtube

That’s because he has dad dick,” a friend of mine said the other night.

I was in Detroit last week visiting my family. For no reason. Which is new. Because often it has been in exchange for computers or camera lenses or power tools. This time it was because I had a week off and it felt important. More on that another time. This entry is about what I believe to be a newly (fuck you, it’s mine) coined phrase, “dad dick.”

5 of us bros went out to sushi to rehash high school football and to talk about the girls that were down to breach the anus with their first knuckle. A lot of the conversation was disgusting and most of it would have left me friendless in California, where even if you’ve never actually seen a black person, you’re sure not to say anything offensive about them.

My buddy Tony (last name omitted for his safety) was taking down a spicy tuna while telling a story about his drunk ass dad.

“He just stopped in the middle of the street and whipped it out to take a leak on a sign. And I mean he’s got a fat sausage. That thing was massive. I’m talking like a forearm,…”

Before he could elaborate anymore, Josh chimed in, “That’s because he has dad dick.” Josh didn’t say much that night, because he was the most respectable out of us, but when he did speak it was meaningful.

And it clicked for me. Dad dick. It’s a real thing. And brilliantly stated.

I remember being a little kid and being in the bathroom when my dad whipped it out to pee and thinking to myself, “My god, if I inherent half of that my life is going to be cake.” And when I got a little older I tried to casually mention it to my brother while we were brushing our teeth, “I mean yeah, if genetics have anything to do with it then we’ll be in great shape (wink wink).” He ignored me completely because there was absolutely no context for a comment like that so I did what any younger brother would have done, “I mean yeah, if genetics have anything to do…..” I repeated myself word for word, making sure to articulate more clearly this time. And nothing. Just a stare in the mirror as he put his brush back in the cup and walked away.

But dad dick. I’ve been wondering when I’m going to get it. Like old man strength. One day you’re just freakishly strong and the next day you’ve got what Tony would repeatedly call a massive sausage.

Every couple of years I put a small mirror next to the toilet when I pee,¬†around the same height as I imagine a 6 year old’s head, to see if I have yet gained possession of the kind of girth and stature that triggers the childhood memory of when I first discovered dad dick myself.

I don’t have any kids yet but when I do I want to be damn sure that they’ll have the same respect for me that I did for my dad. That is assuming I have boys, of course. Because the thought of a daughter seeing me naked, or vice versa, makes me terribly uncomfortable and it’s something I hope to avoid at all costs.

The 5 of us had 18 rolls of sushi that night and I learned a lot of new things.

To join the 500 Words A Day Writing Experiment click the link HERE and check the rules for yourself.

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