How many times?
I really just want to know one thing: If I know what it takes to make myself happy and feel accomplished, why do I try to talk myself out of it every day?
I talked to my brother this morning. We are different in so many ways but at the core we share similar patterns. He was wondering why he was feeling bored in his relationship. I thought it was because he finally found a good girl that didn’t bring drama. Because let’s be honest, who the fuck doesn’t love drama?
Apparently a lot of people. They are called adults. There are many that are happy doing the same thing every day as long as they know they will have what they need and not have to be pushed too hard. They are actually content in that scenario. That same scenario sounds like the precursor to my own death.
I’m on the upswing today. I was in the shitter for a few days and each time I go there I think it is so bad. But then, like everything else in the whole fazookin world, I bounce back.
I was sitting there yesterday talking to my friend from Chicago on the phone. She said I didn’t sound too good. My voice was flat. There was no life. My other friend texted and said I could call if I needed to talk, that my texts were pretty emo. It was both heartwarming and a reality check. I cannot stand being the moody one. I want to sock myself in the testies when I spend a few days straight sulking around. I knew I needed exercise, spontaneity, and something to get the old juices flowin. I had options. A lot of them.
So why in the hell did I sit there and not want to do a single one of the things that was going to turn this funk around? That is the question of a lifetime. Figure that out and all the coaches of the world will become your slaves.
I ended up slapping myself in the face (for reals, it’s something I like to do from time to time) and went to the pier to watch the surf. Then I went to my friend’s dance show and watched them perform some really beautiful shit in very close proximity. Fucking brave performers. The ultimate. I left with the gentle buzz of life. They invited me to an after party dinner and while I was tempted to be pulled I knew I needed to finish the evening running by the water. I said goodbye and I walked to my car like a happy person that was capable of making them good choices.
I’ve had a good day so far today. Boxed the shit out of some people, crushing their hopes and dreams with my fists of fury. And did my computer work for the day. Now I get to cruise and chat and speak Espanol to my headphones and hold onto this until it leaves me again, because it will. And we’ll run this phrase again from the top.
And this only matters because it serves as a reminder that this is the best there is – a cycle of shit and gold that never stops.