The last week has been one of the longest in my life. I’m probably being dramatic, but what else is new?
It is the end of 6 consecutive weeks on the road, not staying in the same bed for more than 4 nights in a row. 3 countries and 60 hour work weeks. That’ll put some shit in perspective.
Like what you ask?
Mainly, the relationship I’ve been in and out of for the last 3 years.
She took a job, I had traveling to do, timing wasn’t right, and all that other shit. I found enough reasons to call it quits and walk away, more than once. But 7000 miles wasn’t enough distance to make me stop thinking about her. Some days, so much so that I couldn’t eat or sleep. I’ve tried to move on, but I lose every time.
At some point, when I was around 21, I stopped believing that committed relationships led to happiness. I’m like a hedge fund investor for emotions when it comes to feelings. If the end result is going to be heartbreak, let’s not waste any time getting to that moment, let’s count on it instead. Part of it is so that I can be a pessimist, but most of it has to do with controlling outcomes.
Having feelings for someone is a brave move; giving them permission to affect you, hurt you, make you, and break you. It’s an area where I have historically sucked ass. Without control, I am nothing more than an underdeveloped teenager.
That’s when people like me start convincing themselves that they are George Clooney, and that they are cool. Some type of mysterious playboy. But there’s no mystery about me. I’ve always been romantic. I got made fun of in middle school for being “too deep” and “always talking about fate.” Despite a brutal moment within my own family, the desire to be in love with one person has never gone away. I’ve had that for the last 3 years and have done everything but make that very clear to her. It takes a lot of strength to stand on my own feet, but walking away from something that I knew in my heart is right was one of the weakest moves I’ve ever made.
I’m not sure why I have to share this. Probably because I never wrote about her, it wasn’t how our relationship was. I wrote about everything but her. But I’m a writer and she has been a big part of my life through it all so, in a way, this is long overdo.
So, person, if you’re going to go under the radar, because you have talent and confidence and you don’t need validation from others, because you’ve always had strength and grace, and the ability to make everyone around you better, never stopping to ask what you’ll get in return, because you do some of the coolest work in the world and because you’ve tasted fame, performed on the big stage, and could have had anything you wanted but never bragged about it, just rolled your eyes like it was a mistake that you were so good at everything, because you just smiled about it all and, for some fortunate reason, decided you were going to give your entire heart to me without questioning yourself, then let me tell you that I notice you, and that you are the biggest thing I’ve ever seen.
The funniest thing is that you won’t even see this, because you don’t go on Facebook, because you think it’s stupid. It’s so stupid.
It might seem like there’s a space to fill in this picture but, in my mind, you’ve always been there. I could keep chasing the illusion of freedom but the truth is, I’ve never been more free to be myself than when I was with you.