Long ass day at the old Cherengin Hills. Surprisingly, they had white rice and chicken bones for lunch. Which makes me 30 for 37 on having that for lunch this year. Hall of fame type year.
My energy is at an all time low. My neck is still pretty hurt so I can’t run or even really stretch. I still have meditation but without producing hard chemicals from working out I’m not the same person. And the food, the food is making my brain funny.
I’m really torn with what I’m going to eat first when I get back to SD. I’ll be home in less than a week and I’ve got my eyes on City Tacos, of course, but I also want to spend a day or two drinking nothing but juice and smoothies. I’m not normally a proponent of cleanses and other popular but under researched trends like that but I’m in need of a hard reset. I’m craving juice, and that I can trust.
Perhaps I’ll hibernate for a few days when I get back. I like a few days buffering when coming back from Asia. And I just discovered The Americans so I have some Amazon Prime TV watching that could keep me nice and sedentary. Then I need to get my ass in gear. Get up, get on that treadmill, lace up the gloves, buy some groceries, hit the sun, and find my groove back at Superoffice.
I’m pretty open with my writing and my feelings but there are somethings I’ve been afraid to really talk about and it makes this writing hard because it’s all I want to talk about. Part of me feels like these words are just filler and my physical journal is getting all the juice. I used to think that nothing was sacred. You could do all the same things with different people and it wouldn’t matter, that was just life. But I do believe that people can feel energy and intentions to a certain extent and if someone or something is special then they needed to be treated accordingly, from top to bottom.
At some point I’m going to shed this fear. This fear or basically everything. I’ve been my own science experiment for the last year and have been able to reverse engineer my thought process down to the point of no confusion. I know what motivates me to make the decisions I do at a rudimentary level. Most of it is insecurity, which isn’t surprising if you’re doing real research. There are two personalities I take on, and I do so interchangeably and they are both equally as familiar. Only now I can notice the divide and the physical and emotional effects those personalities have on my well-being.
One life has tension and fear, a little fame and a lot of attention. The other one is free and pure and simple, with not so much attention but a sense of wholeness that could take down any magazine feature. The only problem with the latter is that sometimes it feels a bit stagnant and that makes me panic, revert to chaos mentality, and sabotage my progress. I’m growing away from this and I can see the effects. Just need to keep training the mind and building new habits.