500 Words Per Day: Day 8
1.18.15
Day 8
“What am I doing here?” is the most common question running through my head. Second is, “How did I get here?” I wonder if anyone feels comfortable in their skin. I don’t. I don’t see how it’s my skin at all. I was exercising in my hotel room the other night, listening to music and practicing a modern improv that I will perform, one day, one time only in front of a crowd of people that will have no idea what they’re in for and I paused and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It wasn’t familiarity or softness I felt. It was paranoia. Both of those questions came to my mind and worse, they brought all the hairs on my body to a stand still. Fear. I will never know how I got here and probably will never know what I’m supposed to be doing. It’s like there are a few missing wires that are needed to connect everything. I want to know where this missing information is kept because it has to be somewhere. I can’t quite grasp it all but I can grasp more than what’s obvious, and that puts me in a purgatory of sorts. Do I keep pushing forward and chasing after the theory that life will be revealed to me as I continue to trust my intuition, with my foundation for direction being the mistakes made by unfulfilled people around me, knowing that my intuition isn’t trustworthy and at any moment I can arrive at a point from 360 degrees, the same exact point, and all paths chosen will have been correct and all paths will be an option or a choice that I’ll have to make based on a feeling? That was supposed to be a two-parter – or, is there a Socrates out there that can teach me how to really fly with real power.
Why doesn’t anyone want to have this conversation? Is it because we are scared of things we don’t know or it seems weird and people don’t know what to do with it? I just want to know what people are really thinking about, what they are really struggling with, and what scares the shit out of them. What will happen if we talk about these things?
We must have at some point. We must have done everything. It’s hard to imagine that we haven’t reinvented ourselves at least a million times. We are fighting technology and capitalism and our disconnected lifestyles but we’ve had it the other way before. We’ve had communal living, we’ve had barter societies, we’ve lived off the land, we’ve developed skills to maintain life, we’ve used nature as medicine, tracked the moon and the stars, fought with our hands, killed our neighbors, loved our families, and lived within our means. Without electricity.
So why, today, pretend like it was good enough?
It’s not bad if things aren’t good enough.
But what just happened right now, right this second, has given me the chills.
Good Will Hunting is on the TV and Malaysia is trying to ruin it because they cut out every swear word and every excellent scene and the commercial comes on. It was the same commercial as the last break and I heard them say something about how “yoga isn’t just a silly activity for girls” but I didn’t think anything of it.
Second time the commercial comes around, as I’m writing about the goddamn weirdness of life and intuition and things happening just slightly beyond my grasp, I look up at this commercial because the woman’s voice is so annoying and “yoga isn’t just a silly….” and holy fucking hell, that’s me on the TV. That’s me doing a handstand, on Malaysian television, during a commercial break. They took a clip from one of my YouTube videos and put it on their commercial.
First thought – “Do I get money for this?”
And then I got the chills. Socrates?
The odds of this happening are below measurable.
4 Replies to “500 Words Per Day: Day 8”
i really love your writing. and I think its awesome how open you are. not to be gender bias, but it’s a rare occurrence to come across men that are broken open and in touch and it’s just a BEAUTIFUL thing. And i would have that existential conversation about life any.day.of.the.week.
Perhaps your siddhis are manifesting themselves. Check out the movie Birdman if you get a chance.
This is an awesome post! Really resonated with me. Yes…everyone is scared to talk about their fears, despite the fact that everyone is scared of the same stuff. One person has to be brave enough to start the dialogue to let everyone know it’s ok, though, so thanks for doing it. And cool that you are on TV. Dude, you are famous now!
You’ve just voiced my biggest frustration. I don’t understand why no one talks about the things that eat them alive. In my experience, many yoga and meditation teachers often allude to fear, stress, anxiety, conflict, and doubt–yet I rarely hear anyone flesh out those feelings and share their personal stories. Am I the only one that feels uncomfortable in my own skin, that lives with daily anxiety and struggles to climb my way out of heavy depressive states that feel like I’m trapped in thick mud. Am I the only one that doubts my career choice, feels like I’m not doing enough and worries that I’m putting my effort into the wrong things? Then there are bursts of happiness, passion, hope, faith, and inspiration that I desperately cling on to even though yoga and meditation teach me nothing good comes from clinging. Am I the only one that’s trying to prolong these states of “happiness” and restlessly searching for the secrets to life. Am I the only one who doesn’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do here on this Earth? Feeling alone in these thoughts is very isolating. I wish people would be more open to sharing their emotional struggles. Perhaps together we might make some progress–or at the very least, not feel doomed.