Self-care is for Suckers: Day 10

1.20.15

Day 10

I’m trying to write a goddamn article for Infusionsoft on relationships and business and it’s making me feel like a mother at the grocery store with her five sons ages 3 – 9. Generally when things don’t go my way I get angry like bull. I’ll think about punching a TV screen or pushing a kid down the stairs or I’ll just yell at myself in the mirror in what I imagine German to sound like.

Today I feel like I can’t write. Nothing is connecting. I normally fire out an essay in 10 minutes that tells the story the way I want it to be told. Today, when given a topic, I couldn’t come up with shit. And now I’m angry and I have to rub DoTerra on my temples to prevent violence.

Am I liking this challenge though? I mean if it always comes easily am I really learning anything? I’m compelled to tie this to a life lesson for everyone to read but then I remember that would make me a real c word. What I’m thinking, though, is that in the process of having to produce content every day I am hitting writer’s block and it’s the same as the moon going away for a few days to find itself again. Whenever I see the first sliver of the new moon I think of the piano dude from the old McDonald’s commercials.

What I want to say about relationships and business:

I’m not an expert in relationships so it’s hard to say anything expertly. They want me to tailor it towards self-care and the first thing that comes to my mind is verbal abuse. When I’m down, I just tell myself I’m being a little b and I should get back to work. It usually does the trick but I’m guessing that’s no good for most audiences. What else do I do? I exercise an above average amount I guess. I don’t think I exercise enough but that’s because of the above mentioned abuse thing.

I don’t fucking know. This is stupid.

Self-care. Sounds like bullshit to me. How about just use your brain? Don’t do things that set you back, focus on shit that makes you feel better and happier. Stop making excuses, blaming other people, and pretending you don’ t have time when you do. Let your actions speak for you and know that everyone can see through you into your deepest insecurities, so stop hiding because it’s not fooling anyone.

End of article.

Now now angry man, there’s more to the story. Can I write in 1st and 2nd person? Can I admit that I don’t actually know if that’s 2nd person and I know very little about writing laws and grammar and all the high brow writer types that call me on this shit can suck a fat one because I am a train full of words and I will run them over, question mark. I’m having a conversation over here with myself, a legitimate one, but does that sound contrived in the writing form (2nd person)? Standing by for feedback.

Relationships. What do I know about them?

Nothing that happens to me is anyone else’s fault but my own. I hire you and you do a shit job, it’s because I wasn’t clear enough in my instructions or I didn’t exercise better judgment in the initial hire. We start dating and you cheat on me 2 years down the road then I wasn’t paying enough attention and I was putting off conversations that obviously needed to happen. Full accountability. Otherwise I’m wasting my time giving other people power.

Relationship with myself. Well, it’s complicated. People say I’m hard on myself, that I should give myself more credit and enjoy the successes I’ve had. That could very well be true. Very true. But I would rather beat the living shit out of myself until there is nothing left to report and all I can do is fall face down into the river and float downstream and maybe you’ll be standing their giving me the thumbs up. I’ll be dead so I won’t notice you but you could write a story about it and I could read it after my reincarnation and feel a closeness to the character.

Self-care means learning what works for you and trying to become fearlessness. In the pursuit of fearlessness confidence can be gained.

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