I’ve figured it out – life. And now that I know I find it not that exciting. In other words, I’m in search of new problems.
I have good thoughts throughout the day and I try to remember them for the blog later but I never can. Same as a good thought before bed. We all say it, “I’ll remember.” Because it’s so potent at the moment. So what is the best method for remembering? Writing it down? Even by the time I get to a pen and paper I’ve already lost the specific wording. And just rearranging a word or two can make an otherwise brilliant moment completely basic. It’s painful chasing away moments of clarity by having to prove to other people that you had them to begin with because let’s face it, why else would we speak?
Alexis got me thinking with her middle finger of a post last night.
What’s the point if there is no point?
Why do we do anything we do?
If no one is to read it would you still write it? If no one is to hear it would you still speak it?
Is it enough to just do it for yourself?
The last line has been a question, rather probably the (pronounced like thee) question, on my mind for the last 75 days.
I’m writing to understand. I publish for feedback but also for validation. I want to make it as a writer. As in sell something for a lot of money. As in be the guy known for writing the thing that was considered smart. But it’s not fame I’m after perse, it’s proving to myself that my writing is good enough to make it. I often pretend that the act itself is enough for me. It never is. Being good at the act is what I really care about.
The question for me specifically then – “if no one thought your writing was good would you still write?” Probably not. Maybe not. But if I could just prove it once then I think I’d still write just for the pleasure of it. I know I am a good writer. My blog survived the eye balls of a lot of people and they continue coming back so it has been proven that I am in fact a good blogger. Now I can really write whatever the fuck I want because that box was checked. It’s more commercial for me now. Am I as good as the people writing for Hollywood? I must be. I’ve been there, spent a lot of time in LA, the talent isn’t that impressive. It’s 5% artists and 95% people caddy-corner to artists. I won’t move there in order to write scripts. I won’t start from the bottom and work my way up. Not through their funnel anyway.
I’m going to sit here and continue to silently scream and to produce meaningful work and build and build and build until my beastliness reaches critical mass and resides in whatever the fuck area code it pleases. And when Hollywood comes knocking on my door, because they are curious why I haven’t knocked on theirs, I’ll sell them a script or 2 and I’ll buy a condo in Portland, a cabin in Big Sur, an apartment in Brooklyn, and a flat in Paris and I might not need to publish another thing for my entire life. But actually, I’ll probably move to Hollywood to be closer to the action.
People say a lot of things.