5: 33 p.m.
Thinking about doing this all in one swoop tonight. I made a commitment not to be on my computer all day today because it’s Saturday and I’m trying to engage in the good graces of the collective weekend vibe.
Let’s start with this morning.
I woke up with my neck thrown out. I slept on my side after watching seven episodes of Breaking Bad. Stark contrast to the night before. I was doing yoga, drinking tea, listening to Snatam Kaur. Which is probably why I woke up yesterday feeling light and peaceful.
I had the rage this morning. Is my mind so fragile that a slight change in behavior can ruin the entire next day?
I didn’t want to be one of those people who starts angry and stays angry. I opened up Rosetta Stone and did three Spanish lessons to get my brain moving. Then I went to the gym. I jumped rope and shadow-boxed for five rounds before doing a push-up and pull-up superset. I even stretched. But I couldn’t shake the anger. It was there judging the form on my right cross, laughing at my set of pull-ups, and commenting on how sluggish my leg lifts looked in the mirror.
I’m pretty sure I got fatter today. When I woke up this morning I felt soft. I looked soft. The first week I was shedding weight and now I’ve plateaued. My body is starting to adjust to this new diet and routine. Which makes me even angrier. Why am I doing this if it’s not going to be transformational? I don’t give a fuck about five pounds.
“What are we waiting for,” Alexis asked. “Are we going to feel any better?”
I don’t know. I mean, I feel good-ish. But I really like sandwiches. I had a dream last night I was meeting one of my good friends, S Clark, for lunch. She was saying a lot of important things about her new daughter but I couldn’t stop staring at the foccacia bread on her plate. And I can’t fucking stands eggs anymore. Especially this morning. They were dry and tasted like rubber-bands. Woody has a new kong with peanut butter inside and it’s total bullshit.
Can you tell I’m grumpy today? It’s inside of me. Listening to people talk is making me angry. I wanted to smack the dog when he kept biting my sweatpants wanting to play. I realized that was how my dad must have felt in the moments when we were overwhelming him and he lost his temper. It’s not even like you want to be that way. It just takes you over for a second. And if you don’t explode then it will keep eating at you. I yelled at Woody, “Stop biting me!” I knew as soon as it came out that I must have sounded terrible. It made me hate myself. I called him onto the bed to play, and to see if he remembered.
“Do you want lunch”? Alexis asked.
“I don’t even know what lunch is anymore.”
Leftover minced chicken from last night’s dumplings with butter lettuce and avocado. Olive oil and lemon dressing. The flavor of the chicken was amazing. But I ate lunch very early, around 11:30 a.m.
I’m just waiting for something fucking amazing to happen. Hello Whole30 gods do you hear me?! There is nothing new here. I’ve done diets, cleanses, protocols, what is the real difference? It’s all just proving to yourself that you can do something different. But it’s not different enough. It’s just another reminder of what I already know. And quite frankly, I’m tired of being reminded. I want to be blown away by something new.
Alexis is cranky too. We need to mix it up. Go out to dinner tonight. This room of ours is becoming a cave. The world is coming to an end. Airports aren’t safe. The flu is bad this year. Vaccines are worse. You can’t even trust your doctor. Everyone is looking out for themselves. Even Mother Teresa was a bitch.
I got to hang out with Baby Boston though. Which is always a dose of softness to the heart.
Only the little guy was eye-ballin a giant ass sandwich on bread that look like pillows from heaven when I got there. Not a good start for me.
Still, we hung out and he was quite good at listening to my complaints so long as I kept my knee bouncing. Then Greg threw him in the jumper.
I remember those days, kid.
Remember yesterday when I said I was defensive of the diet? That was a lie. I don’t trust this diet for shit. I’m not going to gradually re-introduce foods into my diet. I am going to eat everything on day 31 and I’m going to host a public event where I burn the Whole30 book (Carly, we’ll buy you a new copy because it’s the right thing to do).
A positive thing about today – My mom texted me the other day after a post and asked me to send her the rest of Alexis’ wish list. She proceeded to order every remaining item. A lot of them came today. I wasn’t there for the box opening ceremony but I’m guessing Alexis was cheesin’ pretty hard. Sorry, bad word choice.
We are going to Whole Foods for the buffet.
You’d think it would be a good idea to go to a healthy grocery store for dinner. And yet that didn’t stop everyone else shopping there tonight from choosing pizza as their Saturday evening dinner. Then there was the bread they just pulled out of the oven. And the chocolate cake some girl was carrying that I wanted to smash into her face. And the kicker, the peanut butter cups right there at checkout. These people have no mercy, I thought to myself.
“Is everyone being a fucking asshole tonight or am I just crabby?” She asks me.
“Probably it’s just us but I also hate everyone here. Especially that guy.”
It’s consuming when it gets to this point. What can you do but try not to explode? I barely ate dinner. Nothing sounded good. Kale chips have fucking cane syrup!
If I want to wallow then I will watch another seven episodes tonight and be the victim of insanity. If I want to have a chance then I will burn some gd candles, roll out the mat, and try to say something nice to Alexis.
I am ending the evening on this thought which I cannot get out of my head – is there really freedom in having choices?
Alexis says, “I’m going to make us something that feels happy.”
Bless the little one.
Read Day 8 HERE.