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Whole30 Day 18 : Apples vs Gourmet Cupcakes

7:16 a.m.

I found my way into alpha state pretty quickly during meditation last night. I was proud. Then I realized I was just losing consciousness from the caramelized onions.

I did self-hate pushups and shame-myself situps before drinking a gallon of water and reciting my mantra, don’t pee the bed, don’t pee the bed.

I didn’t pee the bed. Although I have as an adult. Pee dreams are real. You think you’re off on an extravagant journey into the warmth of a tropical waterfall in New Zealand but then you wake up and it’s actually wet and you hope your partner didn’t notice so you lay there for a while until they get up to shower and you quickly rip all the sheets off and act like you want to do laundry.

My best hope today is that I have explosive diarrhea and for the next 4-6 hours. I want nothing to remain from last night’s episode.

8:01 a.m.

I keep ripping this mole off my neck. I know you’re not supposed to because it could kill you or something like that but I’ve always been a sucker for scabs (gross). It’s bad actually, the deals I’ve made with myself over the years justifying their removals. Promises made and then broken. I also cut a plantar wart out of my own toe with an exacto knife before because I couldn’t live with it living inside there. I believe there is a medication and a weekly meeting out there for me somewhere.

I hope I am cultivating a great appetite in you this morning.

8:50 a.m.

Had big plans this a.m. to have a nice stretch and listen to my Spanish lesson. Then I realized I was having unusual site traffic so I checked the analytics and saw we had been featured in the Whole30 newsletter. 350k subscribers Melissa tells me. I panicked that we were wasting an incredible opportunity, like we should’ve had a bunch of expensive products linked to my Amazon Associates page so we could’ve made a little chedda while not being able to eat any cheese at all. It was too late. The best I could do was put a link to the next article at the end of the current one. Giving people easy access to this wormhole of self-doubt and hunger. It was a quick twenty minutes of opening links in new tabs and copy and pasting diligently until it was done. Now I’m realizing I went backwards from Day 17 to Day 1 but should also have an option for people moving forward. Or maybe not. People are clicking on Day 17 at a 5x multiple of Day 1. So I think I’ll just leave it.

9:14 a.m.

Ben just had his second Whole30 meal. He won’t admit it yet, but he loves this shit. Or, he just loves being cooked for. Me too, Ben. I do think I heard him say the cauliflower mash was unbelievable last night. He had a big grin on his face.

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9:19 a.m.

I have to say, I was a little relieved this morning when I woke up and read the comments on my last post. I’ve read some things about Whole30ers – that they can be like the Cobra Kai when it comes to compliance regulation. So far, no one has threatened to kill Woody if I don’t start over. I’m not going to start over. Rule #5 – I’m a gd adult. I’ve already had the ugly shits three times this morning so I consider the matter in the past. The biggest takeaway – the sensitivity of my body is startling. The line between eating clean and eating truly clean is too small for the naked eye but the effects on the body are striking. We’ll call this experience a gentle backhand across the mouth.

9:26 a.m.

Alexis is mad at me. She’s been diligently preparing breakfast and a to-go lunch for me for work today and I’ve been updating the blog. I could tell she was irritated so I made a comment to Woody, “Your mom doesn’t love us anymore does she?” To which Alexis replied, “That’s actually really annoying.” Confirmed. Irritated. I mentioned that she didn’t ask me for help. She said she didn’t want to interrupt my writing because I get very serious about it. True. We both have a hand in this matter. The curious part will be seeing how long it takes the ego to deflate and work towards a resolution. Maybe I’ll go thank her and give her a hug and apologize for not reaching out sooner. Then maybe she’ll apologize for harboring resentment without communicating to me.

9:28 a.m.

Too soon.

9:39 p.m.

Okay, we good.

I always think about the first few months of parenting. Every time the baby is crying – hungry, tired, messy diaper – they usually end up with the mother. She has the milk, she puts the baby to bed, and most likely she’s more inclined to change the diaper. When dad walks in, it’s to make faces, toss the baby up and down, and make her laugh. The dad is fun. The dad is laid back. He saves the baby from the mom who is always making her cry.

The reality is, in most (not all) situations, the woman is the engine that is behind a lot of the difficult work. And the man comes in for a quick toss and a laugh and has that effortless confidence that everyone comes to admire.

My point is, I’ve been able to sit back and write minute-by-minute updates on this journey and have good laughs and make tons of new friends and taste a minute of internet fame while Alexis has been the engine in the kitchen making the whole thing happen.

It’s hard for me to remember sometimes that my work isn’t more important than hers. That, more than likely, I wouldn’t really be able to do this without her. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have willpower. I could do a Whole30. But it would be George Foreman chicken and frozen vegetables for thirty days straight.

10:19 a.m.

My mouth is still uncontrollably dry. This is insane.

11:12 a.m.

I want to unlink the Whole Foods video from yesterday. Asshole is getting tons of clicks that he doesn’t deserve.

Back for the last day of the internal training for Seeds. I have a nicely packed lunch with some snacks. Just enjoyed a green smoothie. Soon, I get to finally taste the dinner I skipped out on last night. And that leaves me with an apple and some cashew butter for an afternoon delight.

Alexis is training with Sonya at Goldleaf trying to absorb some of her retail and merchandising wizardry.

12:50 p.m.

I ate a small breakfast earlier. More punishment for last night. It’s almost 1 p.m. and I’m not panicking about eating lunch. That could be a victory point for Whole30 in regulating my food-induced rage. Also, and more likely, it could be because I have to actually make my lunch myself and I’m putting it off as long as possible.

12:51 p.m.

By make myself lunch I mean reheat the food that Alexis packed for me.

There are bags of amazing chips scattered throughout the house.

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I keep visualizing myself putting my hand in the bag and just grabbing a handful. Like a muscle memory. The cravings really aren’t that bad though. I think I almost play them up with my friends just for the sake of drama.

Did I mention that they just busted out a brick of thousand day gouda?

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I’ll get going on my lunch then.

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Chew on those apples.

At least I have Boston’s Whole30 support. He’s smashing broccoli today.

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1:30 p.m.

The crew is going to a place called Pop Pie. If you’re on Whole30 don’t click that link. It’s nothing but gourmet pot pies.

Greg made sure to place the tray of three decadent cupcakes in front of me.

Little did he know I had an apple and a tin of homemade cashew butter in my backpack.

Who’s laughing now?

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I mean, who’s even looking at those cupcakes?

3:28 p.m.

We are at 12,000 views for the day. Day 17 clicks and Day 1 clicks are now in a dead heat. Something has changed dramatically since this morning. These are the moments when I wish we were fifty years in the future and I could ask a floating cloud robot these questions and it would tell me the answers.

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3:48 p.m.

A small and private victory for me was when two of the pie eaters crashed on the couch an hour after their lunch.

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Meanwhile I’m just plugging away like a camel in the desert.

5:51 p.m.

Home from work. It’s dinner time. We are making ground beef tacos with cauli rice and roasted veggies. And avocado because I love FAT. Woody is running back and forth making me question his general intelligence. I can’t decide. He’s either really smart because he’s defiant or he’s just a simple little guy that doesn’t know too much. The other thing to consider is that English is his second language and I think he gets caught up in translating in his head when we are trying to give commands. I think he’s also stressed out over possibly getting deported come January 21st.

Little guy knows how to wear a turtleneck though.

6:19 p.m.

I’m really anxious to get into a regular workout routine to accompany this diet. I’m getting lean just by food alone but pretty soon I’m going to start looking like Skeletor and I’ll need some deep squats to combat the emerging flatness in my ass.

I was shocked when I saw where all of you are reading from in the comments on FB. South Africa, Australia, Ireland, Arizona, Ohio, Michigan, Texas, Canada, and right here in San Diego. I visualize all of your reading in different ways – phone in bed, laptop at the breakfast bar, desktop in the den, tablet on the couch, and so on. Do you picture what I’m doing while I’m writing this? I guess I provide some pictures so it’s easier but isn’t it interesting how an incredibly elaborate visual narrative has grown in your head to supplement these essays? Anyway, we can stop now before I start talking about how weird it is that we even have eyes in the first place.

Also, can one of you please recognize me in the street in front of my parents and all my high school friends and say that you “know me from my blog”? It would really help with a lot of things.

6:29 p.m.

Woody just hit his head on the fridge so hard I thought he cracked something. He took two recovering stutter steps after impact. He turns to chase the ball with such intensity that he doesn’t check his surroundings. He’s like a Chinese tourist at the airport. Okay okay, relax. I’ll go to confession. Normally when he whacks himself Alexis gets pretty concerned. “Are you okay!?” she’ll ask him immediately. And then pick him up. I like to think that will only lead to future weakness so I tend to distract him with something else and disregard the shard of glass sticking out of his kidney. “He’s fine,” I’ll say. But this whack was hard. And it startled me. And his poor little side wobble made me want to hit my head on the fridge too so I could be right there with him. He’s okay though. I shined a flashlight in both of his eyeballs. I don’t know what I was looking for specifically but I did it. He’s only responding to German which is a bit of an inconvenience because I don’t have that Rosetta Stone.

6:35 p.m.

I smell that ground beef.

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Ben thinks all of this might be a placebo. Don’t attack Ben, people. Ben is our friend. But he is a contrarian. The kind of person you want consulting you if you’re about to fuck someone up in an argument about deeply confusing stuff. He’s always looking for a hole in my reports on the diet. This is why I like Ben. It makes me think truthfully about all of this stuff and digest it in a way that someone not on the diet could relate to.

The question of sustainability comes up all the time with other friends. “What are you gonna do after the thirty days?” Well, for starters, schedule a nude photoshoot because I haven’t looked this good in about two years. I wore a tiny ass shirt today. Like a kid’s medium. Then I’ll probably start with gluten-free bread and see what the deal is there. Then bakery sourdough. Then brown rice. Then white rice. Then 49 tacos.

I’ve never tried to sell Ben on the Whole30 diet. Today on the walk home from work he acknowledged that he would consider it. If he had a partner or a roommate that would go in on it with him he would be down. It wasn’t any of the weight loss or energy fluctuations I talked about. It wasn’t the inflammation reduction or better sleep. Ben doesn’t have any of those “old man issues” as he referred to them. He was simply drawn by the fact that I am compelled to write so much while constantly digesting and reflecting on this new life experience. He said I must be inspired.

I think he nailed it. Sharing this blog with people every day has pushed my writing to a new level. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while but haven’t pulled the trigger. Geez. How many times could I say that? So here I am, doing something different. Learning new things. Feeling alive. Writing my ass off. Oh, and flaunting some abs.

I’m shutting it down early tonight. We need to have a night with music and candles and a good, long stretch. 15,000 hits right now. Pretty cool.

 

Read Day 17 HERE.

Spread the word!

    13 Comments

    1. Sharon Guffogg
      January 16, 2017

      Love this soooo much!!!!! And really, you shouldn’t imagine too much about how we’re reading this. I had a colleague once put a picture in my head about someone I had to work with who was American but lived out of a hotel in Thailand. That picture has haunted me for years…. (from Melbourne Australia by the way where we are in the middle of a heatwave :)

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 17, 2017

        good point.

        Reply
    2. January 17, 2017

      This is how I read your incredible blog: https://goo.gl/photos/PmaJEzruD3Z438Ru5

      At work, in my messy office, drinking whole30 approved black coffee. Not very exciting, is it? Hahah.

      Keep it up, I need all the laughs I can get while taking my BBD (Before Breakfast Dump) at 5am, reading this every morning!

      Reply
    3. Emily Jenke
      January 17, 2017

      This is so refreshing!!! Everyone is taking the Whole30 so seriously, (me included), but it’s nice to laugh at all the daily struggles and realities about changing our routines and lives! Makes me want to run into the fridge too! Someone….Shine the light in my eyes for gods sake!!!!!

      With love from Texas Y’all.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 17, 2017

        Yes! Here is to not being so serious :) Otherwise we’d all prolly kill ourselves on this diet.

        Reply
    4. AmyB
      January 17, 2017

      I love reading your experiences with W30. I only wish my husband was as dedicated as you. We are supposed to be doing this together but on Saturday, he pounded a cheeseburger and fries, not even some good Michael Symon/Pat LaFrieda collab, either. It was mothereffing McDonalds. Then he ate pizza. So obviously, he’s just not that into it.

      I’m on Day 10. I looked at the Pop Pies website and felt nothing. I think I am dead inside.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 17, 2017

        I am jealous of your husband rn. Also, tell him to stop being such a baby when it comes to food ;)

        Reply
    5. Linda in San Diego
      January 17, 2017

      Knowing how many hits you get on your blog is probably similar to my knowing how many birds are hitting my bird feeders. More birds, the merrier.

      I am a woman enter her second or third phase of her life, depending on how long your definition of the phase is, and I kind of wonder how long this Whole30 diet craze will last. Years ago I did a one-day juice cleanse because it was the name in town(probably still is to some people). I wasn’t hungry until late that day. By then I was *really* hungry and looking for something to chew. I wasn’t hungry any sooner because I did a Sizzler buffet to prepare myself. I have no desire to do it again because I want something to chew, as I learned.

      About your previous blog on cooking a duck, the best Peking duck I had was in Taipei, Taiwan. The chef would roll a table with cutting board and a duck to yours. He then *cut* the meat off and delivered a plate of duck meat with no bones, so we could roll it in a tortilla. My mouth is watering.

      Since you talk about bathroom habits, I will share mine. Some of my best ideas appear when I am in the bathroom.

      I read your blogs when I receive a email notification late at night, getting ready for bed. I read on my laptop to sympathize, look at the photos, and get a laugh before falling asleep on Will & Grace with my husband.

      Told you that I am going to write more this year. You are right. When you don’t write your thoughts down right away, they are gone pretty quickly until I start typing and trying to re-trace my thoughts.

      Reply
    6. liz-ny
      January 19, 2017

      LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog. I binge-read it on Tuesday this week (thanks, Melissa!) and can’t wait to read your new posts each day. Many thanks for the smiles. I am a few days behind you on Whole30 and just started shedding weight (yup, I broke that one and have no regrets).

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 20, 2017

        we are all breaking many rules :)

        Reply
    7. Teresa
      April 18, 2017

      My first Whole30 turned into a Whole120!!! Yep, believe it or not, it got easier!!! My jedi mind trick was this: I was doing a 30 day experiment….4 times in a row. The second month was trickier, with food choices and food prep. I food prep every Sunday, even now in not doing a whole 30…a compliant Whole 30 that is.
      Do as Melissa says, reintroduce foods slowly or your ‘caramelized onions’ fiasco will be intensified by 100!!!!
      Once you reintroduce each of the foods, your body will let you know what it needs/wants all on it’s own. I eat 80% Whole 30 now. Going to do one or two strict Whole30′s before November.
      Oh, and there is NO PERFECT Whole30! Even tho the religious Whole30ers try to shame and judge you…brush it off!
      Your blog has brought life to the struggles…and the struggles are real guy!!!
      Thanks for the laughs about all of it….the poops, the farts, the mental anguish and also Woody!

      Reply
    8. TurlandoBloom
      April 18, 2017

      Love your blog. So refreshing and fricken hilarious! Im currently hiding in the bathroom from my two kids, just so I can read It and a have good laugh! I’m from the land of the ‘tropical waterfalls’ New Zealand, pretty cool you are reaching readers all over the world!

      Reply
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