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Whole30 Day 15 : Halfway Home

9:08 a.m.

I forgot to do a Week In Review yesterday. So, after some thought, I realized I could just do a Halfway Point Analysis today and act like I planned it that way.

Horrible sleep again last night. Not feeling well at all. My nose is permanently shut.

I’m overwhelmed just watching Alexis try to prepare for our trip to LA. Our snack bag wouldn’t fit into the overhead luggage space on an airplane. I can’t imagine how she feels. We have to drop Woodson off with Ashley and Chris so mom and dad can have some nights out on the town.

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I made my own breakfast to help out. It was a sad and pathetic breakfast. Only halfway through making eggs did I learn we were out of panda bread.

“Is there any bread left?”

“No.”

“Oh.”

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That’s a 1/2 pineapple. I barely even tried.

9:34 a.m.

I’m getting into fights on Facebook. I’m losing it. One more day of no sleep and Alexis is going to have to put me in Woody’s cage.

Also, our scooter is gone this morning. Which means it was either stolen or towed by Target. If it was stolen, there are cameras and I can get the footage and then track down the culprit and either steal his car, light his house on fire, or just have him arrested. Would be my second arrest in the last six months. Last one being the guy that stole my cell phone and wedding ring from the basketball court. If it was Target, then I pray for the manager who ordered the tow truck.

12:14 p.m.

Road trip. Stopped and got air in our tires. To me, that’s like getting a new car. Cruising the highway like a hovercraft right now. Green smoothies in tow from People’s Organic Co-op.

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1:00 p.m.

We made a pit stop. Just a small one. A little place called In N Out.

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1:40 p.m.

Alexis is driving now. I had to get on my hotspot to retaliate to a Facebook comment. I cannot shred appropriately from a cell phone. I need the full keyboard.

My friend Seth messaged me and told me to eat some bread already. But that he was also enjoying all the comments.

I think the most frustrating thing is that I don’t actually know how to fix the world. I don’t know how to fix myself. I’m doing this diet because god knows why and half the time I think I’m better for it and the other half I think I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.

It isn’t good timing to not eat bread, given all the things happening in the world.

Can’t we just be Amsterdam already?

2:30 p.m.

We just pulled into Lassen’s – a small health foods store – in Echo Park. I’ve already seen twelve aspiring models, or more likely, waiters and waitresses with headshots ready on demand.

We had chicken and roasted vegetables. Also, a cashew milk green smoothie.

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3:05 p.m.

We have arrived. Vanessa isn’t home yet. I texted her.

“I’m on your wifi. Also, I farted.”

“Thanks for the update.”

She has to stop on the way home from work and grab the duck. We are having duck for dinner tonight. Have only had it once in my life. I imagine a bloodhound fetched it out of the tall grass after a man in flannel shirt shot it out of the air. He gave the bloodhound a good pat on the head and said, “Good boy,” when he dropped the duck at his feet. He didn’t say anything else though. Not like the guy in Babe when he said, “That’ll do pig, that’ll do.” That takes more emotional fortitude than this duck hunter had on this day. His wife had just informed him that she was leaving him for his brother, an investment banker in Manhattan. The whole thing was really outdoorsy but quite sad. The bloodhound knew too. He walked back to the truck extra close to his owner. Loyal til the end.

3:09 p.m.

I feel bloated today. A little bit yesterday too. I don’t look as trim in the mirror as I did two days ago. My neurotic obsession is amplifying. I want this diet to work twice as fast. I want to look like Brad Pitt in fight club when he puts his arms up on the doorway before we all knew that he was psycho and mean to his kids.

3:19 p.m.

Um. So.

I was in the bathroom and saw a sleek little gadget under the sink. I pulled it out. Thought about the Whole30 maven screaming at me not to step on. Realized of course I was going to step on. Stepped on. Was expecting much, much better results. And now I know, through personal experience, why she advised not to do what I just did.

I actually don’t care what my weight is. I feel proud to weigh the same as Ezekiel Elliot of the Dallas Cowboys. I just want every inch of my body to be useful. For me, I should have a rule of not looking in the mirror at all. It’s not productive.

4:12 p.m.

I think it’s important to note that when you and your significant other are friends with someone and then that person enters into a relationship and you tell them, “You can totally bring _______ with you to dinner,” it doesn’t actually mean that you want _______ there but that you are trying to show that you are open to it, should it happen. It’s polite. Not necessarily preferred. Sometimes people were just cooler when they were single. Or their new partner is kind of a flop. And what are you supposed to do then, lose a good friend completely?

4:49 p.m.

I asked Vanessa how we could help as I put my hand on Alexis’ shoulder.

5:10 p.m.

Alexis is helping Vanessa with the duck. They are trying to figure out if it’s quartered.

“Is it quartered?”

“Is that hair on it?”

I walked over to investigate.

“Oh god, that’s blood,” I said as I covered my mouth.

“Kirk, get out of here!”

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5:16 p.m.

Sachie is on FaceTime coaching Alexis through the quartering process. It looks like Dexter.

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A bone just cracked. I’m Northern European. I’m not cut out for this.

“Alexis, get aggressive. You can cut through skin and cartilage at the same time,” Sachie says.

“Do we rip out the spine?!” Vanessa asks.

“Cut out the spine.”

I’m in the corner with a pillow over my face. I think I’m feverish.

Is there a more disturbing word than cartilage?

Alexis drives the knife through.

“Yes!” Sachie yells. “That sounds right.”

I’m watching YouTube videos trying to be helpful but it’s only making it worse. A guy named Jacob Burton just twisted a leg clean off.

“Wow, she’s got the spine,” Vanessa says.

The lights are spotty.

Alexis is showing great signs of primal instinct. A deep connection with the animal.

5:39 p.m.

Vanessa: “Whoa, is that a uterus?”

Sachie: “No, it’s fat.”

6:53 p.m.

Vanessa just baked thin slices of pork and put them on the table. They are like pork chips. Salty and crunchy. She made them because I have been writing about missing crunch so much.

7:24 p.m.

Dinner is not here yet. I say nothing because I am in the gracious company of a good friend.

7:32 p.m.

Thankfully, Jonah is beating the crap out of me and locking me outside like a dog.

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Also, slow cookers got their name for a reason.

7:59 p.m.

Once upon a time there was a thing called dinner. Traditionally it came just hours after lunch. But on this special occasion, as the full moon rose above the city of Los Angeles, dinner came many, many hours later.

8:01 p.m.

We are back on the phone with our consultant, Sachie, trying to figure out what to do now that the duck is cooked.

We haven’t even addressed the issue of having to tell Jonah that we are eating beef because he would be too sad to know we are eating a duck because he thinks they are really cool.

8:53 p.m.

So, duck.

The consensus: not so much.

Vanessa spit the baked skin out into a napkin. Unfortunately, I saw it. And it’ll be with me for a while.

We decided not to link the recipe.

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That’s a wrap here from LA. Hoping for a good night’s sleep and then we hit the farmer’s market in the morning with our Ray Bans and recycled plastic water bottle totes.

Here is another summary.

Halfway Point Analysis:

A Week (8 days) In Finances:

1/6. Sprouts: $151

1/12. Sprouts: $28

1/12. Burger Lounge: $21

$200

On the nose. This actually fits nicely within our food budget. Multiplied out that’s under a grand for the entire month’s eating.

A Week in Emotions:

There are many external factors contributing to my emotions this week. I am disappointed, as I’ve stated, with the condition of our country’s morale. I noticed at times I felt calm when I’d normally be anxious (Costco) and also times when I felt completely overwhelmed with anger. At one point I walked out of the apartment to run an errand and felt strongly connected to Alexis as I said goodbye. I took a few steps down the hallway and realized I should go back and tell her. So I opened the door and told her I loved her. I don’t do this enough.

A Week in Relationships:

I think we are in a good groove. She seems really comfortable and happy learning how to cook all these meals. I am trying to keep up on the dishes and taking out the trash and walking Woody. I would say I haven’t had any major breakthroughs, other than a few emotional openings, but Alexis is really coming into her own this past week. She is more clear, more organized, and more confident. I can feel it.

A Week in Health:

I still feel like ass. People are saying it’s common. A lot of credible people. I don’t know the science behind it but I’m going to take a stab anyway. Since I am on the autoimmune spectrum it’s possible that I’m never sick because my immune system is hyperactive. Assuming this diet is regulating my hormones and possibly normalizing my thyroid, I think it could be that my immune system is taking a hit as it adapts. This could be the ultimate “bro science” and complete shit, but it makes sense to me. I’m open to something more concrete if you have any insights.

A Week in Blogging:

We peaked at around 12,000 hits on the day of “The Big Share.” It slowly dropped after that and has leveled out around 3,000 hits per day. I have thought many times that I’m running out of things to write and that this will become uninteresting to you. However, I still go back and read the blogs and laugh to myself, which is the ultimate goal.

Halfway through and we’re still alive to tell about it :)

 

Read Day 14 HERE.

Spread the word!

    7 Comments

    1. Ted
      January 14, 2017

      Now I get it. My bike was stollen from in front of mercy hospital on Whole30 day 1 for me. The sign read “This area under 24hr video surveillance”. I walked into security asking for a review of the tape. Answer “no, I’d have to get legal approval and I won’t do”. I walked to Whole Foods instead.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 15, 2017

        Yeah – you gotta have a detective with you to legally access the footage. Unless the attendant is cool. I stalked a detective until he went in. Sorry about your bike.

        Reply
    2. Clare
      January 14, 2017

      This post killed me. I so enjoy your voice. Laughed out loud several times. Keep writing for random people like me in Texas who, (whom? I never know) look forward to reading your writing.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 15, 2017

        That is awesome Clare. Thank you. Texas needs this more than anyone after the sports day the endured today.

        Reply
    3. Jacquelyn
      January 16, 2017

      Keep up the great writing! I really enjoy your voice as well – I always laugh reading your posts.

      Reply
    4. Kelley Jo Petersen
      March 1, 2017

      How about that crunchy pork recipe/directions? nomnomnom

      Reply
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