I’m pretty sure we went to bed at like 11 last night. I’m not positive because I didn’t check the time, but I know it was early. And we didn’t wake up this morning until just before 9. It’s raining outside and I want to sleep all day. Somewhere during the night you hope you are transformed back to your 12 year old self and will be waking up soon to enjoy Saturday morning pancakes and cartoons with your family. But here I am, 31 and grumpy, looking forward to another rendition of the omelette.
“Alright, what sounds good to you?”
I’m drinking another cashew milk smoothie because that’s all I can get down. I’m intently visualizing my boxing coach punching me in the face repeatedly this morning until I wake up at the end of January.
I open the fridge.
“I guess I’ll have two pieces of bacon with rotisserie chicken and the leftover soup.”
What the fuck happened to Honey Nut Cheerios?
I am not surprised that La La Land cleaned up last night. I mean, they were smart going into the comedy and musical section. That’s like me walking into Montgomery Middle School and asking to fight their toughest kid. But the fact Captain Fantastic didn’t get a nod for best picture only further evidenced the lack of smart and interesting people in this world. Granted, the Golden Globes are like the Good Sportsmanship trophies of the film industry.
Alexis is trying to sell me on this new hand soap we got. Saying it will be really effective at getting all the grease off our hands. “It’s the little things,” she suggests.
Today is a Monday like every other Monday. Only it’s raining and I’m three days since the last time I felt hungry. The only thing I’m holding out for is the thought that maybe my body is still transitioning through the “carb flu.” I have these hopes that one morning I’m going to wake up and crave a piece of dino kale. I know I keep hinting at this, but I can’t believe alcohol, tobacco, and processed sugars are legal while marijuana is still categorized as a drug. If that doesn’t deeply disturb you and make you think about the intentions of our government, the people who are supposed to be protecting our best interest, then it’s obvious the sugar has already taken control of your brain. I crave tortilla chips. Like, with desperation. That cannot be in my best interest. Thanks FDA.
If I buy dishes that actually look like normal household decorations then perhaps instead of cleaning them all I day I can just kind of move them around.
All of these dishes were used to make two ounces of Whole30 drinking water.
I think it’s time I try to alter my mindset. As a professional Find What’s Wronger I have been given unlimited access to criticisms these last ten days. It has been a gold mine for my anger. But maybe something good is on the horizon. Or rather that good is happening now and my focus is complete shit.
I don’t know if you know this but we live above a toy store. Which is quite a good opening for a romance novel turned horrible tragedy but it’s not necessarily so good for real life. Because next to the toy store is a classroom for babies and tiny children and their sleep-deprived and, therefore, potentially psychotic mothers. And I don’t know if these moms are really just in a rock band together but the drumming class for 6 month olds sounds like a Bon Jovi concert. There is no way that tiny little children could be enjoying this much noise. I walked down there and saw a little girl foaming at the mouth.
Oh god. I dropped an entire piece of bacon on the ground. Woody is demolishing it. I hate him. Now he’s after the chicken on my chair.
He actually couldn’t reach it and that was heartbreaking so I gave it to him.
There is no such thing as tiger blood. You’re supposed to get this kick of energy around the ten day mark. I remember hints of it in the first week but all I have now is the blood of a sloth. After every round with my boxing coach the first words out of my mouth were, “Fuck.” Then I shamefully walked to a machine about chest height so I could lean on it and try not to die. You can’t sit though. That means you’re weak. Needless to say, I was not a force of nature during my session.
There was a nice note from a nice lady when I got home though.
#squadgoals #relationshipgoals #imreallyhungry
Woody won’t stop trying to pull me across the street. All day yesterday. So far twice today. He looks at me, acts natural, and then secretly tries to walk over there. I’m like, dude, you’re on a leash. Doesn’t stop him from trying. So I finally decided to entertain him. Follow his pull. And he takes me straight to the place where they hold the puppy classes and he stares through the gate at the empty lot. Alexis says he’s trying to show me what he does at school. That’s what dog people do, they pretend their dogs are people.
Just got back from a meeting with Jonny Tarr, my musician friend. We recorded some music videos for him a few months ago. We’re going to start doing monthly videos for his YouTube channel. Covers and original music.
Guess where Alexis was when I got back?
We’re all just anxiously awaiting this bread that is coming out of the oven soon.
“Will you be upset if it doesn’t turn out good?”
“Okay, I’ll take that as a yes.”
So, very difficult to express the different channels of disappointment. I am not at all upset with her heroic efforts in the kitchen during this “journey.” I am, however, destroyed when something doesn’t turn out well because that means I am only falling deeper into the pit of food despair.
I need to do my taxes.
“Four minutes,” she says.
Perfect time to go take a dump and clear some space. Have been feeling the pressure in my lower abdomen for a while but no real motivation to get up. This is the motivation I was looking for.
“Did the bread come out?”
“It has to cool for an hour.”
“An hour?! What fucking year is this?!”
How does anyone live like this. Ten hours to soak, one hour to bake, one hour to cool. You’d be dead before you ever had a chance to eat. The recipe should be called, The Original Bread. Am I supposed to start foraging? Do I need to buy one of those books that tells you which plants are edible?
It doesn’t exactly look like bread. It kind of looks like this video I saw of a panda bear birthing. They are deceptively small.
“Oh my god, it’s bread!”
It’s bread people!
She put it in the toaster oven and then covered with avocado and I caught myself accidentally reaching my hand down the front of my pants as I was chewing.
It’s raw cashew butter, homemade almond milk, coconut flour, eggs, baking soda, sea salt, and maybe one or two other things. We omitted the honey because we wanted to stay compliant and avoid going to another Whole30 AA meeting. This bread needs to be in a museum somewhere. It is so damn good.
Dear Jesus, as I’m into religious names for important moments, Melissa Hartwig just shared my blog. You know who she is? I hope so, otherwise this is less exciting than I thought. Anyway, she’s the founder of the Whole30. It’s this diet I’m doing. Only it’s not a diet as they say in the book, it’s a slow and painful trip into poverty with no inflammation. Suddenly, I feel amazing. I love eggs. My abs are glistening in the mirror. Thirty days seems too short.
God, so much pressure now that I’m the co-founder of the Whole30. I have to stay true to my writing. True to my audience. Disgruntled, angry, hungry people.
2,000 hits since her post 36 minutes ago. THIS IS TIGER BLOOD! She seems to be a very good writer. I enjoyed the quick blurb she put together on FB. She asked what she could do to help. I’m just waiting for her address so I can send her my itemized grocery receipts. I will say this though, and I’m not kissing ass, I tip my hat to her for sharing my blog. It’s not exactly nominating the Whole30 for any awards. There’s something honest there.
Now, back to pictures of Woody.
3,866 hits. This is what the top 1% feels like. I understand now. Honestly, I never liked Obamacare.
We skipped 4k and went straight to 5,000. Now we start the Kickstarter to pay for these groceries. The audience is in place. I drop a link to my mixtape and we never look back.
I just found out this is a $35 loaf of bread, when you consider the ingredients plus the hand mixer that Alexis slipped into the shopping cart.
Of course I am reading all of the comments. Not so I can gloat in it so much but really because I am waiting for the one person that is going to say it’s not that funny or I’m an asshole so I can say something super personal back to them. Anyway, this is some mastermind shit. She shared it as a metaphor for sugar and snack foods. Because the rush is incredible and I’m on top of the world but by tomorrow it’ll fade and I’ll be left feeling cold and empty inside. Touché.
The day mostly consists of me sitting in front of my laptop and super monitor writing things and editing photos. I have other work I am doing as well. So there are five or six programs running simultaneously and at least as many web tabs. I like to work in circles instead of lines. Meaning I pop around a lot and kind of sweep everything on the edges into the middle until eventually it’s all so close to done that I just put it in the dustpan and call it finished. If I don’t work like this I will be too bored to finish anything. Today has been particularly distracting because I’m refreshing the site stats and the FB page every twenty or thirty minutes. Those kind of odds motivate me more though. It would be expected for me not to finish my work on a day like today. And as such, I guarantee you I will.
I’m confirming a lot of random friend requests. I hope none of them actually work for the IRS.
A lot of people think the trick to getting your jeans to feel loose is to go on a diet like the one I’m on. But what I’ve discovered is that you should eat whatever you want but just stop washing your jeans. Like, ever. They get very lose and it’s the same feeling as getting skinny.
About washing your jeans…
You should never wash your jeans unless you happen to be holding a small child who has consumed green peppers for the first time in his life from an undisclosed Mexican restaurant.
Is that dinner? I thought it too.
Dude, I don’t even know what happened. We were partying and everyone was cool and next thing I know the room was spinning and I woke up here. Where’s Emily?
Melissa is sending Alexis and I the Whole30 book and the cookbook. I call her Melissa now. It’s cool.
When I am very excited and alone I make this sound that is kind of like a grunt mixed with a difficult shit. My face lights up with a smile that also could be a stroke. I just did that in the car for a few seconds. Until I felt weird because I remembered other people exist and could potentially be witnessing this very personal moment.
You should see me right now – waving at people as I cross the street, holding doors open for old ladies, doing a quick shift at the local soup kitchen. And I came home to dinner being ready, just like the 50s.
Alexis made baked curry chicken breasts with coconut cauliflower rice and roasted asparagus. We’ve been eating the Costco frozen chicken leather breasts and finally switched to the fresh stuff. Will never go back. Regardless of the impact. I mean we have credit cards. I bought a TV in college for $1700 on a Best Buy credit card once. It was ahead of it’s time. 37 inches with backlit color displays. It was a 24 month, no interest card and I thought, Who the hell couldn’t pay this thing off in 24 months? Turns out, me.
A Winning Dinner: Short Form Documentary on Cooking by Alexis Asquith.
Alexis is screaming.
“Oh my god! It’s a slug!!!”
“Wait, is it a slug???!”
“Don’t kill it!” I yell.
“Well, come get it out of here!”
Deals that were made before gender roles were so passé.
So I go to the kitchen and grab a napkin and think of all the ways to dispose of this little guy, never admitting that I am secretly 10% scared of all things that crawl on the body under one inch. And before much more thought, I toss him over the balcony. My reasoning being – he doesn’t have a spine, a two story drop will not even phase him.
I was reinvigorated today. When all of this happened I couldn’t stop smiling. A smile I haven’t yielded in weeks. And it says something about this diet – I can’t really blame the food for not smiling. I wasn’t thinking about tortilla chips when I was watching the site traffic skyrocket. I was just feeling alive. If there is a cure for everything then it’s definitely joy. What can I do to bring more joy into my days? Probs just get more reshares from famous people.
I booked a hotel on Venice beach. We’ll head up this weekend. Alexis and I living free. We’ll leave Woody at home. Don’t worry we’ll fill up a couple bowls of food and leave toilet paper laying around in different spots. Or, he will stay with Ashley and Chris. Either/or. Vanessa is already dusting off her Whole30 recipe book to accommodate us. Thankfully it’s LA. There’s probably a Whole30 restaurant in Santa Monica.
11,000 and counting.
Read Day 10 HERE.