Whole 30 Day 3 : Woody Becomes a Man

DAY 3 of the Whole 30 diet.

8:45 a.m.

I’m awake. I feel better. On the cold front. It’s sunny outside. Alexis is up stretching in the yoga area. I’ll put on some pants and take the pup for a walk. Get some fresh air and all that talk from the old days.

9:27 a.m.

I am definitely farting less. It was brought to my attention this morning when one slipped out in bed and I was reminded I wasn’t alone.

“Oh, good morning then.”

Whoops.

I put my nose under the covers to see if it smelled any differently. I really want to know the effects that diet has on all these personal intricacies. I smelled nothing!

“Babe, you can’t smell anything. Your nose doesn’t even open right now.”

TBD.

This morning is a bacon festival.

“Do you want two pieces or three?”

My first real test.

Of course I want three. I want one hundred pieces of bacon. I want to wear bacon pants.

“Two please.”

Because I like a challenge.

It has dawned on me that we’ve had an abnormal amount of free time in these first few days of the Whole 30. All of this has been happening inside the frozen time realm of the holiday season. We’ve had literally no obligations other than to feed ourselves.

9:45 a.m.

Okay, so not my favorite breakfast. There’s nothing that can prepare you for a lukewarm kale stem before 10 a.m.

“Where’s the rest of breakfast?”

“What do you mean?”

“This is not a lot of food.”

“Yes it it. It’s just a big plate.”

It can all change so quickly. I felt a flutter of happiness this morning when I was out walking. I came in and trained Woody for 15 minutes, feeling like there was some real order in my life. Then I pulled a soggy kale stem out of my mouth while holding back my gag reflex and now I’m just trying to breathe and do the dishes. It doesn’t help that Alexis seemed to have used every single utensil, plate, and bowl in our entire house to make breakfast this morning. I knew I should’ve had three pieces.

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10:21 a.m.

Constipation has entered our household. We are both the victims. Alexis wants to drink some tea. I want to experience the full process. “Everything natural! Constipation is a part of the process!”

What the fuck are we gonna do when we have to get back to work tomorrow?

11:44 a.m.

A thing happened a few weeks ago that I’m not proud of. We were getting ready for our trip to Europe and I was trying to figure out what pants I was going to bring. I know that I only wear two to three outfits max for an entire vacation, but I wanted two solid pairs of pants. Problem was, my jeans haven’t been fitting me so great lately. And the day before we left I was squatting down to grab something and I heard a colossal tear. It was the crotch of my jeans. There was my package. There went my dignity.

“It finally happened,” I said to Alexis.

“What did?”

“I ripped a pair of my pants. This is what life is going to be like now.”

We went to Nordstrom Rack and I tried on seventeen pairs of jeans. Do you know how many fit? One. One pair. I’ve gone up a waist size. I’ve gone down a notch in confidence. It has been quietly taunting me for the last month. Is this really what happens? You get married, enter your 30s, and succumb to gradual weight gain? It used to be that I could work out for three days and get all the abs back. But now it takes double the time to get half the results. And I don’t feel as motivated.

12:58 p.m.

Alexis went to yoga with our friend Alyssa. Must be nice. I didn’t go because I didn’t want to be the wheezy, coughing person that everyone hates and thinks should’ve stayed home. Needless to say, it’s 1 o’clock and I’m getting kinda hungry.

I took Woodrow Wilson on a long walk and then we did calisthenics in the hallway. His sprints and stairs are designed to keep him in peak physical condition.

And that’s when I bumped into an ungrateful bastard.

There’s this man in our neighborhood and he is very endearing but at least three sandwiches short of a picnic. I assumed he lived on the streets with his dog. Until today, when I saw his brand new Nikes. Which was after the fact.

“Hey ______, good to see you,” I said like the goddamn neighborhood man that I am.

“Oh hey, how’s it going?” So coy.

A month ago I thought I would do something kind. I thought I would take his professional portrait with his dog. Because there is no more ‘man and his best friend’ combo than these two. And it seemed like he really needed it. And sometimes I’m compelled to do things like that even though I know nobody will ever find out.

I took some amazing portraits. And then I ordered two dozen prints from Costco and had them next-day delivered to his address so he could mail them to his friends and family before Christmas. I charged him nothing. Wouldn’t even consider it.

So today, downstairs, I’m thinking now might be a good time for him to, I don’t know, think I’m the most generous person in the world.

“Did you ever get those pictures I sent?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah I did. I sent you an email.”

“Oh, I never got it. How long ago?”

“A few weeks.”

“Okay, sorry. I didn’t get it.”

This is the moment you thank me, dude.

“So, yeah, the top of my head is chopped off in the pictures,” he continued. This must have been the topic of his “thank you” email.

I took a moment to try to bring my facial expression back to neutral.

“Yeah that’s a style. It’s a cropping technique. I wanted it to be about your….”

“Yeah, so, the top of my head was chopped off.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, I’ll talk to you about it later. I’ll come by the studio and we will sort it out.”

We will sort nothing out. We are done.

And past the local burrito shop I walked not even thinking about a warm bean, rice, and cheese burrito comforting me in this tough time.

All the while Alexis is probably getting a massage in savasana.

Hard-boiled egg, turkey, avocado – don’t mind if I do.

3:06 p.m.

Food fights don’t have to involve throwing food at another person.

Sometimes they happen when the chicken isn’t warm. And when you’ve expressly asked for it to be piping hot because you can’t eat anymore cold vegetables without vomiting.

There will be no photo of lunch today due to some domestic complications.

5:07 p.m.

I think we need a nanny. If I’m sitting here trying to figure out if the Lions are gonna make the playoffs and Alexis is preparing dinner then who is supposed to walk the dog?

I put on jeans today.

5:13 p.m.

Oh guess who just chopped the potatoes? This guy! Everyone’s all like, “Oh, poor little old Alexis slavin’ away in that kitchen.” But nobody considered the fact that my brother did a semester in culinary school and that I know how to cut things very fast by using the second knuckle on my pointer finger as a guard against the blade.

And tha pahtaytahs are goin’ in the oven.

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7:16 p.m.

Back to the real world tomorrow people. Emails and spreadsheets and all that shit. Makes my stomach feel hollow. Is it generational or is it human?

Dinner was a smashing success. Our dogson, Woodson, enjoyed his first taste of steak tonight. I guess you could say he has become a man. Actually, I am not a huge fan of red meat. It makes my stomach a little uneasy and I don’t like supporting factory-farmed cows. Well, I do support them, they are probably nice cows, but not the process. But when people buy clean meat and they eat it in moderation I think it is the absolute healthiest, and most sustainable diet on the planet. 5oz of grass fed beef a week will go a hell of a lot further than daily consumption of soy. As for my friends who don’t eat meat for ethical reasons – I have the utmost respect for you and I am grateful for your commitment to the environment (unless you are pretentious about it then I don’t care what you do because I am going to do the opposite just to spite you).

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Tonight’s meal – 5oz of grass-fed NY strip, roasted potatoes, and cabbage slaw with homemade lemon/olive oil/garlic sauce.

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I had some leftover smoothie after dinner. One that she made yesterday with kale, spinach, chard, blueberries, banana, lemon, cashews, and water. It tasted like candy. Which is how I know my taste buds are changing already. Normally we would use a whole banana and almond milk and it would still taste a little too green.

I’m going to watch one more episode of Breaking Bad and then we are going to draw, stretch, and hit the sheets.

I am having these abnormal bursts of energy. Can’t tell if it’s from beating this cold or from the diet. I feel more clear. I am trying to pause and take moments with Alexis when sometimes I feel too busy to do that sort of thing.

Also, Alexis has offered to prepare all of your meals daily if you want to get on this train. For a small fee.

 

Read Day 2 HERE.

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    3 Comments

    1. January 1, 2017

      Started this thing yesterday, why wait? Milk in my coffee and one O’Doul’s at the end of the day are what I miss the most. Day 2 was slightly harder than day 1 but a raw date or two really slices off a hunger pang. Costco has the best least expensive medjool dates. My 4-5 session /week yoga practice will help to keep me focused for the rest of this week. Thanks for the motivation.
      Ted

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 2, 2017

        That a boy Ted! Yeah, why wait? What are you going to do in place of the O’Doul’s ? I’m still having a hard time with snack cravings but honestly being a little sick has helped me not have a huge appetite. Maybe that’s the secret – start when you have a cold.

        Reply