On Marriage : The Beginning Part 2

*feature image of my old office where we worked sometimes

*italicized bits are direct pulls from my journals

Sunday 10/19/14

11:11PM

Alexis and I were listening to music on the drive home. I wanted her to hear Snow in Newark. It made me think of her. The words, the energy. It was so intense but so personal.

And I don’t want to leave you here
I just want to be your shadow
And you can find me in the sun so bright
And tie me to your wrist each night
And I’ll follow you
I’ll follow you home

We exchanged our favorite songs and when I got back to Hale I downloaded her songs and listened to them while I danced. 

She picked me up earlier. She refused to let me drive. She was proud of her independence and it showed up in the form of a manual VW Golf. 

I bought the movie and popcorn. She bought tea.

She bought the tacos, arm guarded me from the register before I could pay. I was happy because we were touching. Even the back of her arm felt like the birth of a star.

When we weren’t together I was thinking about her. Wondering how we could see each other next. She was going to start teaching classes but that was only once a week. She was hesitant to hang out with me too much. She had a fortress around her emotions. Every tender moment followed by a non-sequitur that seemed to come from another person entirely. 

She started working with me at the office a couple days a week. I needed the curriculum for the foundation organized and typed out so I could submit for grants and donations. She brought her laptop, an old Mac that was so slow she spent half the time restarting it. I was able to pay her $15 an hour for admin and $50 a class for teaching. She loved the work and she also needed the money, though she wouldn’t outwardly admit that.

She asked me questions about formatting and I asked her what she was doing later. We both wanted to be around each other. We both liked each other. And it was a problem for her.

Monday 10/20/14

4:36PM

Alexis is stopping by to work on foundation stuff.

6:46PM

It was awkward with her in the office. We left wanting to say more. We were working but that’s not what was on our minds. 

I texted her after she left. 

She replied and said some forced, standard things before I asked if she wanted to go to dinner. 

5 minutes.

10 minutes.

“Okay.” 

She continued to be casual and professional and I continued to chip away at her defenses. 

11:11PM

Is Alexis my girlfriend? Maybe. She’s so familiar.

We ate sushi. Walked Balboa Park. She’s new and hasn’t seen much so it’s a layup to show her around. People that escaped the rust belt are solid. She thinks a lot and swears she’s afraid of everything – the dark, pools at night, roller coasters. She says she’s a big baby inside. I don’t see it that way. I think she’s courageous. Individualized. She said she doesn’t do relationships bc she gets co-dependent. No father growing up. I didn’t mind that. She’s strong and fair. Honest, I think. I have that crushing feeling in my stomach and in my chest.

She let me drive home this time. 

I paid for dinner. She fought me the whole way.

“I hate that. Let’s at least split it.” 

“Look, I respect you. But I want to pay. Just please let me pay.”

“Fine.”

“I know you’re independent.”

“I know.”

12:22AM

Lying in bed listening to Alexis’ favorite band, London Grammar. She told me to download it for the flight. Maybe she’s in her bed listening to it too. 

I was headed to Brooklyn to stay with Jenny. Darci was texting me from Utah saying she made a terrible mistake and she missed me. She said she was scared and wanted me there. Alexis was all I could think about, the way she’d give me her smile and then take it right back. An inch at a time making sure I was safe and we were good.