I’m a Writer, It’s OK to Hurt People: Day 18

1.28.15

Day 18

Some of the things I look forward to are finding orange slices without seeds, getting a piece of chicken that has meat on it, sliced apples that aren’t brown, the peanut butter we have stored in the fridge, when they put soap in my room, not getting bit by mosquitos on steroids, and listening to Korean boy bands covering Back Street Boys on the TV.

Been in a funk lately. The kind that makes everything difficult. A bit of a hollowness in my stomach, no appetite, tight chest, blurred vision. Day dreaming. My thoughts are drifting and the bags under my eyes are becoming permanent.

I predicted this bout. Happens when I travel for long periods of time. About half way through the trip I start to have a lot of doubts. Can be things that I believe in with all my heart but somehow, at this distance, they feel too far away to matter.

Being a writer has had an interesting impact on my life. I used to say that it motivated me to live a more interesting life. The other day, Greg said he was tired of writers using that excuse, that they should be able to go out and be who they want to be without making a story about every little thing.

I’m listening.

I’m listening because I use that excuse all the time. It’ll be a good story. And then what? A trail of people left behind because my stories only last 2,500 words? I’m tired of using art and loneliness as an excuse. I’m tormented, I’m burdened, I’m gifted, I’m an artist, I’m a writer, I need more stimulation, I’m on a different path, and so on.

Truth is, I’m selfish. And instead of carving out a time in my life to deal with it on my own I’m using “creativity” as a way to justify every weak decision that I make.

I’m pushing through a lot, and I’m working hard. I’ve come a long way, I’m not saying there hasn’t been progress. But the work that still has me scrambling for excuses has to do with being happy and motivated without doing it to impress other people.

I’d like to spend a few months at a Kung Fu school in the mountains but honestly I think I’d be too terrified to make it on my own. I booked the ticket once, and I cancelled the day before the flight.

I need to do it. I’m so close to being so strong.

I was meditating last night and I guess it’s fair to say that weird stuff has been happening. Showing up on Malaysian TV during Good Will Hunting commercials, being a GoPro camera attached to an RC helicopter at a grocery store I’ve never been to, and then last night.

I’m finishing my anxiety meditation session, just trying to get 1 deep breath in there, trying to have one moment without panic, and trying to clear out some emotions. I take a second to ask if it’s working, to ask if people can hear me, and then all the lights in my room blow out.

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