I have been seeing Julie for almost eight years. I have a hard time calling her my therapist because I think saying you have a therapist has become trendy. It crosses the line of that character type that is too upfront about their problems where you can detect that it’s a shtick. I tend to not align with any particular thing because there is dishonestly in all of it.
Julie is much more than a therapist to me. She has her PhD in neuropsychology so she’s intellectually robust. And she also has almost psychic level intuition. The way she watches my body as I speak and interprets what’s happening inside of me. She gets visions as I describe things and can direct my energy with simple words. She has never diagnosed me in eight years, except one time when I asked her to tell me how she would categorize my mental state. She laughed and then rattled off a few things that I have talked about at great length in many articles.
It’s not really about detecting illness. I just go in there and talk about what is happening in my life and in my mind. She responds mostly on the ethereal level but she is never concerned about me. She never thinks that something is “wrong” it’s always just energy that I need to move towards or away from something. Her advice to me will range from going to Ireland to experience the violence that my ancestors have put in my blood, drive to the desert and stare at the stars, or visit her friend up north who has a therapeutic horse ranch and spend a week working with her horses.
The horse thing is new. Because this problem I’m having inside my chest, more specifically my heart, has been untreatable. I cracked during a meditation in the mountains of Malaysia a few years ago and had a wiry bolt of lightning strike me right in the center of the heart. The light bulb above my head exploded and the glass crashed down at my feet (literally). I have never recovered from that moment. A drug-like tension runs through my veins every second of every day. And when I’m stressed, or in a serious workflow, the energy concentrates in the center of my heart in a black ball that is so scary to me I believe it has completely flushed my adrenal glands.
I can’t get it out. Nothing is working. No meditation, no teacher, no practice, no nothing. It just sits there. With its own personality. Every time I try to address it or work through it with gentle breathing or a walk it only gets stronger in its resistance.
Stress is something very manageable because you can remove factors that cause it. This infection in my soul is much worse because it has the feeling of a living organism. Or like artificial intelligence. It learns more about the weaknesses of my mind every day and uses that information to get closer to destroying me completely.
Julie said they might be able to help break up the ball because they work on a higher level than humans do. And I’ve always had a love for riding horses.
She gave me her friends email address so I wrote her in the afternoon and told her about my predicament. Then I texted Julie and said I hope your friend doesn’t think I’m weird.
She said on the contrary, she has already given her friend notice that a writer and photographer was going to reach out to her.
I waited for a reply.
The woman responded and said she would love to have me. And that an intuitive healer had foreseen my situation and wanted to know if she could be there to work we me as well. I wasn’t really sure what she meant by “foreseen” but I assumed it was just horse lady therapy talk.
Five minutes later Julie messaged me, “She just texted me now that a woman who works with her horses, an intuitive healer, told her this morning that a man with black energy was coming to work with the horses and that she needed to be there to support the herd.”
So I’m either fuckin Harry Potter or about to be taken to the bank by some very strange ladies.