I can’t come up with shit for an idea. It is, in fact, fact that everyone thinks their own writing is dog shit. Although there are a few articles I’ve written that I still love because I really meant what I was saying. I also like going back to old articles and reading all the comments when people say they connected or felt inspired because it feels real as well.
I shouldn’t write when I’m angry. All I wanna type is FUUUUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!
Not you specifically, but just like, everyone and everything right now.
I deleted a whole paragraph already because it was written at a toddler level and I thought too seriously about throwing my laptop across the room.
I’m not doing anything except sitting and being angry. If I do something I’ll feel better but I don’t want to do anything because that’s how this works.
Are all people mentally perverted?
I pride myself on being a productive artist. Meaning I always work. I don’t wait for inspiration, I just start working and inspiration comes. The muse is always there waiting to rise.
Of course it comes easier some days than others.
Of course today I want to kill the hotel staff, the chef, the guy on the moped with his little daughter without a helmet (asshole idiot fuckface), all the kids that are late all the time, and their team leaders that are so goddamn lazy I want to light their pillows on fire in their sleep to see if they would even get up. Would I care if they didn’t? I mean, I think about stabbing people all the time when I get caught in a daydreams during small talk. Like, what would actually happen if you just killed someone? Would people try to grab your arms and pin you down? Would they call the cops? Especially if they were your good friends and they thought they knew you well. It would be very awkward.
“Have you been exercising?” No darling sweet Alexis, I have not. Because the caloric burn of white rice expired 19 days ago and I can’t even get out of bed in the morning without getting a calf cramp .
“Do you have anything that can make you busier? You seemed happier when you were more involved with the trainings last week.” No. I don’t feel like doing anything. Because it’s all a stupid waste of time.
And after complaining to her for a few minutes and feeling like a pathetic loser of a man I realize that she is right and I need to get off my ass and go do something.
Because feeling like a psychopath is not a preferable feeling.
Here are the things I will do to protect the well-being of those around me.
1) Take portraits of the interesting looking kids
2) Take the afternoon dance class
3) Eat before bed so I can exercise in the morning
I am already starting to feel better. You sure I still need to actually do the things?
FAST FORWARD 3 HOURS.
I have taken the advice from a wise woman and I have done things. I shot some interviews (giving myself more work to immerse myself in (because work is the thing I love second most on Earth)), I took a private hip hop lesson with one of Malaysia’s finest , and I ate 2 homemade burritos from my secret food storage in my room.
There are just 4.5 days left until I fly home. You might call it the light at the end of the tunnel. Only the light is so bright that it’s making my ears ring.