Day 5: 500 Words a Day
she came down last weekend because she said she had a gift for me. we spent a weekend together like you couldn’t imagine – walking, biking, scooter, sunsets, sex, movies, food, juice, and talking at a relatively deep manner for her.
and she was going to come down again this weekend. the other night on the phone she said “i love you” as clear as i’ve ever heard it.
but she’s not coming down. she called and said she meant to put an end to everything last weekend but got too caught up in my world.
maybe i’m relieved because i had more than a few whispers telling me i was forcing a broken item back together but it still hurts, a lot. and i don’t know how to grieve. tomorrow i’ll just try to fill my day with activities top to bottom but really i’ll just want to lie in bed and cry.
i have a hard time finding the meaning of life outside of intimate relationships. people say when you’re alone it’s a good time to figure out what you’re interested in. but what i’m interested in is getting to know someone so well that i can feel their heart beat inside of mine.
what makes the days pass when there is no other heart beat? is it work? friends? service? i feel like i outwork everyone i know, i push myself further than i’m comfortable with, and i still come up short with a sense of fulfillment.
i’m just going to lie to myself and pass the days pretending to be getting in touch with myself but i know the first set of eyes i see that hold value i’ll be locked on. and am i not just setting myself up for more forceful letdowns by so desperately wanting a relationship? i don’t even know if i like relationships. i don’t know what i like. and that’s the most horrifying part.
at the end of the day it’s more than losing her, it’s that i’m alone.
in my head i try to fast forward a few years, holding someone in my arms that i haven’t even met yet. it’s terrifying. I want her to be that person. Slightly different than she is now but only what it takes for us to love each other beyond the possibility of ever falling out. we’re supposed to be living these great stories but i can’t get out of the story and into real life. i sit and i meditate but nothing happens. or at least i’m missing the point.
i’ve cried more in the last month than i have in my entire life and there’s so much pain left in me and i can’t even get to it.
how can i be so supposedly brave and scared shitless at the same time?
i hate the thought of her not wanting me. even if it was the right thing. why not fight for it until we’re just bones? because she doesn’t want the same things that i do. that’s 4 years of my life now. the only girl i could lay with and forget about everything.
we were like a storage unit. after enough time apart the things inside seem like they might be useful again, exciting even. and once you’re there, thumbing through the inventory, you’re hit with the unforgiving reminder of why the stuff ended up there in the first place.
are we ever not lost for any time greater than a single moment?
everyone says i’m going to be fine. they can’t imagine someone like me not being fine. i’m sure i will be but right now i’m pretty fucking sad and it doesn’t seem fine.
