A friend asked me the other day if I could say something positive. I thought really hard and then determined I couldn’t.
I can’t see how it’s my job to fix my reaction to the incompetence of the world when no one who is responsible for my anger is doing anything about it.
Why am I the one constantly having to refine and evolve in order to be more skillful in my life?
All these famous artists had their daily routines. I am big on routines. Alexis sent me a passage from another book that said there are a few rare people on Earth that always move forward and push through the doubt in order to be great. They are disciplined by way of doing all the things the rest of us know we should do, yet don’t. And they make sacrifices every day in order to be something greater than normal.
She said it was a paragraph about me. And that made me emotional.
It won’t be enough for me to be good in this lifetime. I have to be remembered for something.
That’s why I’m sitting here writing with my theta meditation playing in my ears after a 20 minute meditation and a nice morning walk. I have to set myself up to get into the flow every morning or else I’ll be washed away by the nothingness of a busy day.
It is my hope that I will move past this anger towards the world and be able to focus on the many good things that are happening.
I chase the money. That is my setback. My heart is full of ideas but I don’t have the tools to walk away from money just yet. Julie tells me I need to stop taking jobs I’m not excited about. I’ve heard this talk before on the white person Ted Talk circuit as well. I think there is truth to it. I also think that every experience is an opportunity to learn and develop your craft. I also feel embarrassed when I think about giving that advice to the family we just did a documentary on that makes $12,000 a year cleaning houses and doing construction. Just, uh, say no to the work that you’re not passionate about… Yeah.
I asked Julie if it was possible that I didn’t even like production. She laughed and said it was quite possible.
I see myself working with people and their hearts and minds one day. It’s not here in California either. Hopefully not in a place that resembles anything modern.
I hope one day that I am walking along a path by a river and my feet are in the mud and I can feel the breeze and that will be enough of a reminder that I am okay.
There are many people in the world who are suffering. And there are many different kinds of suffering. I cannot claim to understand that pain of the sick or impoverished but I know the suffering of someone whose mind is dark and aggressive.
My pain comes from knowing that this life I’m living now is not enough. That I don’t have the courage to pursue who I really am.
Alexis invited angels into our house this week. That’s not really my thing but apparently it is a thing. At first, I didn’t want to be part of it because I have had some unfortunate encounters with spirits in the past but it seemed to mean a lot to her so I filled out the flash card with the three things.
1 for the Earth:
Please help us collectively understand that the Earth’s resources are finite.
1 for your Family:
Please help Alexis to find her voice and realize her greatness and also help me find the daily joys of a long-term relationship.
1 for Yourself:
Please give me the courage to be free.
As it turns out, freedom is scary. The thing we all say we want is more demanding than the death of monotony. To be free is to be comfortable with trusting your feet and not knowing where they might take you.
This life is surface and I need to be better. My routines will take me there.
Yesterday we were walking and I asked Alexis to describe my character and the things I do that define me. Then she asked me the same question. It is surprisingly difficult to name a lot of things that you do to define who you are. Mine were writing and exercise. Hers were being kind to people and her impromptu dance moves. The character part was easier. But why the disconnect between our character and the actions we take? I think that is the missing bridge to getting to this place of freedom.
Writing. Moving. Meditating. This is my holy trinity. And if I don’t do them every day I have no one to blame for a surface life and an imprisoned mind.