A Harsh Realization About Fear

You know that tension you feel in your chest right before you’re about to be spontaneous? And then you talk yourself out of it because that tension actually represents fear? And then the things you talk yourself into believing so that you never have to really admit that fear is ruling your life?

I feel it every day. Only now I know why.

I am a curious person living inside a guarded, introspective frame. I want to talk to people, learn about them, engage in unscripted conversations, but I am too frightened by the unknown so I have become a carefully orchestrated scientist that controls my own environment while appearing to be living a free and courageous life.

I’ve finally tracked down my greatest fear – speaking my mind and being myself in the moment and exposing myself to the harsh judgments of the people around me. Knowing that sometimes my behavior will cause people not to like me, but I have to do it anyway. Being the person that stops a stranger in the street because of the way the light was hitting her necklace and absolutely needed to be photographed. Not the person that thinks about how great a shot it would have been as it walks on by.

I am so much more than I’m letting myself be and I’ve tricked myself and everyone else into thinking that the way I’m living is fulfilling enough. Because it’s better than most. It’s good enough for most. It’s impressive to most. But it’s not hitting for me. It’s like there is a map, or a grid, and I’m looking at it, I can see it, but I don’t know how to plug myself in. I don’t know where the points of connection are. I can’t enter the world that I’m staring at.

Building this fortress means nothing if I can’t reach my hand out and touch all of the so very interesting life that is right in front of me. Everything else is meaningless.

This is the line I’ve drawn. I want to jump but I can’t move my legs.

An introvert’s life is never fully satisfying. There’s always something missing. Introverts are just people that are closed off until they are comfortable. They recharge when they aren’t being over-stimulated. But what if you never find where you’re comfortable, and your whole life is about control and chess moves and the way you put the plates back in the cabinet?

I have studied my mind for so long. I can admit that I am happy when I’m around good people, that I feel desperately sad when I leave the company of those I love to be around. And that I also can’t stand being around people that are unimaginative and make me feel uncomfortable for being myself. And that I do like to take some time to myself each day to get my work done and that my work means more to me than useless conversations, but I’d certainly not complain if there was another nice person, say in the other room, working on her own thing, and we coul smile at each other from time to time and pass notes.

This is an orange alert for anyone that wants to become a “something.” A brand, a personality, a coach, a blogger, an artist – if your thoughts about who you want to be are externally based on becoming a “something” then you are dead because everything you do from that moment forward will run through the “something” filter and make it impossible for you to ever be who you really are.

I am only myself and only the things that I’m deeply and embarrassingly curious about will stimulate my raging desire for self-love and self-acceptance.

For me, that means talking to strangers in the street, becoming a serious dancer, speaking out against assholes in public, tipping street performers after they share their art instead of pretending I don’t have a fucking dollar, loving a girl with all my heart, making a small child, creating a home where we eat breakfast together and there is sunlight on the windowsill, and being completely and unapologetically fucking weird.

What does it mean for you?

Sign up to stay in touch.

Your information will never be shared or sold to a 3rd party (unless it's for a million dollars)