Whole 30 Day 2 : More Chicken Today

9:36 a.m.

She has placed the food in front of me. I am having flashbacks of a film I saw with Sudanese lost boys. It was the scene where they stumbled upon the elephant carcass after not eating for 11 days.

9:37 a.m.

I just growled at Woody for looking at my plate.

That’s last night’s ground up meat with an omelette, spring mix, avocado, and homemade pesto. Good times welcome here.

10:21 a.m.

Diarrhea has struck. Which is the opposite of what I expected to be happening. Every ounce that comes out is one less that could be filling my stomach and providing me with a sense of peace and fullness.

I can’t tell if me and Alexis are friends right now. We are in the same room but we aren’t really saying anything to each other. Is she mad at me? Did I do something wrong?

I slept on the couch for most of the night. Well, I laid on the couch and held my palms to my temples trying to crush the pain out of my head. A cough came last night. Every time I coughed I thought about how it was waking her up and ruining her sleep and how nothing is worse than being kept awake by SOMEONE ELSE’s cold. So I removed myself from the situation and laid on our West Elm between two thin, cotton sheets that were in the closet and probably not washed since our last guest. These things don’t matter during the Whole 30.

10:30 a.m.

Alexis said that she needed to go to the grocery store. My god, I haven’t worked this hard to go broke over a diet, I thought. And then it hit me – were we going to have to start grocery shopping at Kroger?

Everyone is acting like Casey Affleck’s acting in Manchester by the Sea was so astounding. He was so angry and emotionally unavailable throughout. “He raised the bar so high he broke it,” some critic wrote. And in my head I’m saying, “You guys, he’s just on the Whole 30 diet!”

10:54 a.m.

Woody will not leave me alone. He is sitting next to my face and letting out tiny barks. He wants to play. I am functioning on safe mode.  I don’t have the energy for him.

11:07 a.m.

I’ve never thought so much about time. How many hours are in a day, anyway?

Alexis and I just hugged for a few minutes. She asked if I was happy. I wasn’t sure if it was regarding the diet. Of course I’m not happy about that. But I think she was going for something deeper. I’m not sure I’m fit for the turn towards serious at the moment. Her body feels nice though. We haven’t touched in a few days because of the cold.

11:51 a.m.

It’s approaching that magical time, Noon. However, Alexis is no where to be found. Before she left for Costco and Sprout’s for MORE GROCERIES she reminded me that I can snack on hard-boiled eggs and oranges. Like the ones I ate at 4 a.m. I think I will try to lie down for a nap.

2:01 p.m.

Believe it or not, we are just now eating lunch. Believe it or not, nobody here is dead.

You know what this reminds me of? Yesterday! Except today we ate it with a naked rotisserie chicken from our good friends at Sprouts.

It was still very good but I started to hear the sound of fear when I thought about eating this for 28 more days.

2:20 p.m.

The funny thing is, lunch only lasts five minutes. For all the time it takes to prep a meal and all the time we spend hungry it’s not a square deal that you only get to eat for a few minutes.

I am trying desperately to be more helpful today. I have washed all the dishes and I took Woody for two walks. I put together Alexis’s new desk and I’m going to put together her bedside table now.

Today is dry and mundane. There is nothing exciting to report. I haven’t really left the house but to cruise around the block with the pup. No teething interactions with people that couldn’t possibly understand my suffering, no over zealous teens to bring down to Earth, none of that. Just a grey day here.

3:10 p.m.

We decided we were going to beat the Saturday blues and go on a nice family walk. In the rain. With our dog and my handkerchief.

Alexis brought some special concoction she was making before we left.

“It’s chicken broth,” she said excitedly.

“It looks like baby shit,” I replied.

“Just drink it.”

It was very good. Because it was warm and we were walking in the rain and I’ve taken eighteen homeopathic lozenges in the last three hours.

I can’t say that I’m starving today. Just a general state of light nausea.

4:52 p.m.

I can hear Alexis trying to tell Woody to sit in the shower. He took a big dump and then walked all over it to celebrate on our walk. I don’t ever volunteer to do that stuff. I think it’s weird when Woody sees me naked. The other day he tried to lick my weiner when I got into bed. I had to smack him.

4:57 p.m.

Woody is out. He’s sprinting back and forth trying to eat the refrigerator.

5:46 p.m.

Soup is being made. I put on some Motown music and now we are bouncing our butts together in the kitchen.

I always thought soup took years and years to simmer before the flavor was right and you had to wear an apron and keep a towel over your shoulder to make it. But Alexis put 1/2 a cup of onions, garlic, ground ginger, butternut squash, and chicken broth all in the pan and boiled it for ten minutes. After that, she threw it in the Vitamix and blended it up before tossing it back in the sauce pan to be reheated. And some leftover chicken and avocado. Leftover being a word we are getting comfortable with.

8:58 p.m.

I’m concerned about the animal equivalent of social services coming to our house. We spent all our money on food and since it’s been raining we have no means for covering up freshly showered Woody but our empty grocery bags.

9:16 p.m.

It’s New Years Eve. The line is out the door at the Target Express across the street. People buying champange (pronounced chom pon yah) and condoms before the big night. Our neighbors are exploding in laughter. I’m wondering what about. I never remember laughing that hard when I’m around people unless we were watching YouTube fails.

We, on the other hand, were purchasing an electric shaver because mine exploded in my face in Paris when I failed to acknowledge the extreme voltage difference between American and European electronics. We also got a kombucha, to be festive. I had four ounces and feel like I need to call an Uber.

9:34 p.m.

We are in bed watching Breaking Bad season two. I hooked our big computer monitor up on her desk at the end of our bed. Woody is passed out in between us. I have on my winter house outfit – grey crew neck sweat shirt and no underwear. I keep popping these lozenges hoping my nose will stop running or my chest will stop exploding and really hoping that Tuco doesn’t kill Walt’s family.

I never liked that expression, “It’s five o-clock somewhere.” But tonight I’m embracing the fact that it’s midnight somewhere. That’s the only way we are going to be participating in any ball dropping. I’ll just leave that one alone.

Happy New Year everyone.

Read Day 1 HERE.

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