Travel Things: Day 13

Travel Things: Day 13

“If I send you a picture of my boobs for the next 18 days can I be done with the writing challenge?”

I’m tempted because they are my kryptonite. But I’ll be home in 5 days and that is just bad business.

“Sorry babe. I’ll be stuffing mouthfuls soon anyway. No deal.”

“Dang it.”

It didn’t stop her from falling asleep with her mouth open and laptop open and light switch flipped up before she hit post though.

The interesting thing about traveling as much as I do isn’t that I get to say I travel all the time but rather figuring out how travel things work. Travel things like packing a suitcase, making it through security, what time to get to the airport, which cities have good wifi, and international SIM cards.

Doing something for the first time is instant enlightenment. Then again and again and again makes it less about experiencing and more about perfecting. Like my suitcase that I pack so goddamn beautifully with all the separate packing cubes and toiletry bags with the nice hanging handles for my hotel room and the yoga block I’ve managed to squeeze in there so I can do a 5 minute old man’s backbend every night.

And the policies of different countries. Europe is very stringent about the 100ml liquid limit. Murica is not so much. Asia makes you go through security at the gate, after you’ve gone through security at the door, and it is a fucking awful policy. They also don’t care about boarding groups, because Chinese people (tried that thing that I’ve seen other people use successfully in this group and now I hate myself).

I’m going to say something that I mean very much but will most likely be taken the wrong way and limit my political viability – travelers that come from Mainland China are like wild dogs. They cough and spit on your face and hit you in the shoulder with open palm slaps for not helping them lift their luggage and they CANNOT FUCKING READ SEAT ASSIGNMENTS so they stop at every row and put their bag down and look for a few moments and then repeat for 18 more minutes each until they are in the back row with their matching bird flu masks and club jackets that smell like all the years of Don Draper’s cigarettes combined.

Most people at airports are by and large mentally disabled in some very glaring way that wouldn’t be noticed in say, Kansas, but is VERY noticeable to the people that frequent the friendly skies.

It’s impossible not to sound like an asshole if you travel a lot and you talk about what you know about travel. But to be fair, it’s impossible not to be an asshole if you travel a lot and you have to see the pig slop that terminals seem to harbor.

Perhaps you have seen a #travelhack hashtag in your day and perhaps I have private messaged you and asked you not to use it again and perhaps you ignored my plea and at that point I guess I respect you for sticking to your guns, BUT, if we must discuss this subject further I will tell you that the single greatest travel hack in the entire universe is TSA precheck. That’s the one Marv, the silver tuna. On average, I clear security and make it to the water fountain to refill in under 7 minutes. Sometimes I honk my balls at the people in the regular line as I walk by but mostly I just think about how I don’t have to take out my laptop and they do and what that must be like. TSA only costs $85 and last for years and if you just say, “Oh it’s not that big of a deal,” then you are the problem.

I can’t take much credit for my travel experience. I fell into a contract with a company that works in quite a few cities and countries that pays for all of my travel while I collect intergalactic levels of award miles.

But I want to squeeze every drop.

I know how the customer service system works. I email United after every single flight and tell them my experience. Good and bad. Mostly bad though because they suck. But I don’t hesitate to tell them when they’ve actually done what they are supposed to do. I have hundreds of dollars in ETC (electronic travel certificates) that I can use anytime me and bae want to get out of town and pancakes our privates on the glass shower door. Maybe you think it’s bad practice to take travel vouchers but I think it’s weak to let airlines f you in the b repeatedly and not be held accountable in any way.

Aside from TSA I really love my Global Entry. See ya, immigration.  Although they have been harassing me with private room screenings every time I re-enter the country because that one time I fought all of those cops and outran a search light for 45 minutes.

Oh and airline lounges. So good. Because airport food is expensive and not all that satisfying. But in the player’s lounge you can stroll in, take a shower, jerk off in the bathroom, and eat bottomless plates of buffet food and drink, all for free if you have status or the right credit card.

Travel used to be a lot more fun. I was so excited to get my first Star Alliance Silver card and now I’m upset for a month if I don’t hit 1k. I complain to other frequent travelers about fare codes and policy updates that make it harder to get status. I used to get excited to head to the airport and know I was going someplace new. But at the end of the day, work is work and it always ends up feeling that way.

But I’m grateful for this work and these miles and these experiences because now when I get bumped up to first class she’ll get bumped too and what a pimp she’ll think I am and what fun we are certainly going to have all over this world.

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