Steak Farts: Day 23

Steak Farts: Day 23

“What if you had to choose between never seeing me again or having our forearms sewn together?”

“What do you think babe?”

“Never seeing me again?”

“No! Sewn together!”

I was walking today and noticing the things I was thinking that were funny and interesting. I wanted to save them for later, for when I was writing. Most of the time I just sit down and let it rip, not knowing where I’m going just knowing that I’m a storyteller so a story will come out. Today I thought what if I really spent a good amount of time on one article, like an entire day. Wrote multiple drafts and made sure it had theme and craft. But then I forgot to write the things down and now I’m here again and I’m just writing.

Alexis is sitting next to me. She says hi. My friend asked me the other day if I was upset that she quit the group. I said no. “How come?” Because last time she only wrote 3 days and this time she wrote 14.

“So what does that say about me?”

It could say a lot of things. It could mean that you don’t finish what you start and one day you are going to leave me. It could mean that you are making progress and becoming an even more amazing person every day. I would quit too if my whole life wasn’t based around doing everything I say I’m going to do so that I can always hold that over everyone I meet.

We were in La Jolla earlier, she was trying on wedding dresses with my friend because I think my friend wanted a second shot at experiencing the whole wedding craze. I know this because she had a $100 bottle of champagne waiting for Alexis and the designer. These dresses cost more than my car. Michelle pounded the whole bottle. Jasper ran around with his pants off. Ryan and I ate fish tacos around the corner. If ever she had to be a trooper today was the day.

I’ve only ever had one article rejected for publication. It was by McSweeney’s Quarterly. Dave Egger’s blog. I wrote a piece about a gassy old man at the Whole Foods bathroom. Maybe you’ve read it on my blog. I thought it was good but they said it wasn’t the kind of thing they put on their site. I asked why. “To be honest, we’re a bit above fart jokes.” And I thought, I’m never going to be above fart jokes. I’m farting right now as I type this. Which means in another sentence or two she is going to be unconscious. All the people that walked behind me in the store today are probably hospitalized right now.

I am extremely self-conscious sitting here writing while she reads every word. If I don’t say things that are clever or funny then I will be a simple fool that cannot impress her. But if I come up with something genuine and clever on the spot then she will continue to love me more. Every moment is like this. We have to do things in front of the people we care about and they spend a lifetime determining our character. If we are reliable, if we are funny, if they trust us. It’s because of the things we do in front of them every day and it’s no wonder it is so goddamn hard to be close to anyone.

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