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something something love for self love for another something else - kale & cigarettes
something something love for self love for another something else

something something love for self love for another something else

How many days has it been? I’ll check the calendar. I would ask Alexa but Amazon hasn’t fully integrated her with my Google calendar yet. Some people are afraid of robots. I cannot wait. Cook for me, clean, drive my car, open my mail, read my emails, absolutely. I’ll be watching the sunset and camping in the redwoods.

38 days, after a manual count, with fingers. And honestly who really cares if robots turn on us? At least we can pretend all of our mistakes didn’t happen and someone else ruined us.

It’s been 38 days of this no dating for 180 days business. If it’s not a set number of days, if it’s not an experiment of sorts, then I don’t do as well. This is fine with me. I could fret about it but I’m too busy doing stuff.

Last time I tried this I lasted 22 days and then we had a relapse. A very exciting relapse though, so it might have been worth it, depends who you talk to and on what day and what they have going on in their own life on that day.

During those first 22 days I was writing notes for future folks wishing to practice the single life.

53) Lay in bed and journal (& listen to Mumford)

37) Talk to psychic

31) Yoga & Spanish & Meditate

Florence said you’re either halfway in or half way out but you never close the door.

1) Cry

2) Consult with friends that think I’m better off

6) unfriend/unfollow/delete

10) buy something

14) exercise hard – need to feel strong

I just wanted to focus on one simple question – what gets me out of bed in the morning?

We all have things we have to do – like work or your partner, make coffee or let the dog out or whatever other weird shit we’ve padded on top of the essentials almost so we can’t be left to ourselves.

So what if none of those things exist? What would you get out of bed for?

19) Don’t listen to The National

20) don’t wear deodorant she made you…..


21)Don’t forward emails your friends send you to give her because they don’t know you’ve been canned

22) Skip all Mumford songs

32) Don’t text her you dumbfuck

The tendency is certainly to just relish in the pain and lie in the fetal position.

63) Make a plan (for life)

And just when I might be on the brink of some hope in myself I’m reminded that it only takes one sound (chime) from one person (her).

64) Have your ex come and stay with you and have fantasy sex, listen to records, and take walks in the rain…..

you know, for clarity

Because do you know what really gets me out of bed every morning for every day since I’ve ever been alive? Being in love. Or in pursuit of it. Or as close to it as possible.

And so I found myself at Day 1 all over again. This time no notes to myself, just the question – what gets me out of bed?

For starters, a list of things that I’m interested in would be nice. Because there are so many hobbies. Too many. Sure, I’d love to learn Spanish, dance more, write, play guitar, take more photographs, but clearly I haven’t done any of it enough. I’ve been too busy dicking around trying to match a life with another life. What is my life?

Hobbies are way too romantic. Run around and wish we could be doing things differently but none of us are. Obviously we don’t want it that badly. We can admit that, right? But what is the stick? Somewhere there is something, a particle maybe or an enzyme that activates in our brain and makes us stick to things.

Ok I’ll just commit to things and it’ll be that simple.

I don’t do non-stickyness anymore. At least not the next 180 days. If I say I want something then I do it. I practice and I learn and if I don’t put in the time then I don’t actually want it so I stop talking like that because it’s not empowering at all, it’s almost desperate, definitely holes in the bottom and a container that will take any shape it can just to exist.

It won’t be the words that save me it’ll be the things I do with my hands and my body. Follow the movement and follow my feet and see if I can end up somewhere with love but not love dependent on another but love for the sake of being somewhere that I really want to be doing something I really want to do.

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