On Marriage : The Last Days Part 2

8.12.19

Charlie tells me that if I can carve out a few things a day that I am thankful for and remove a few things that aren’t good for me, then I am making progress.

Right now, I am thankful for the scene in our apartment. I am sitting down to meditate and A is on her laptop on the couch ordering an AC for hew apartment.

“I’m almost done,” she says.

It’s okay because Woody is returning his squeaky toy after every time I throw it down the hall. His paws making little pitter patter sounds on the cushion where he drops it at my feet and looks up at me with his gentle eyes.

Every toss reminds me that I won’t have him to play this game with when I sit down to breathe at night.

It seems I am taking Charlie’s advice in reverse. Remove the things that are good for me and stack on the suffering.

–

A is asleep. I am reading. Everything goes on as normal even though there is nothing normal about the person you’ve been lying in bed with for 3.5 years leaving in 3.5 days.

8.13

I keep checking where Woody is in preparation for him not being anywhere.

8.14

A person can be amazing, and yet, you don’t have to be married to them.

98% of my life is good.
2% is not.

I spend 98% of my time thinking about the 2%.

8.15

She’s saying goodbye to the staff.

Tomorrow she leaves.

Back to washing lights and darks together.

Back to cooking with one pan.

We walked Woodson together on her last night. Ashley popped down from her corner and said a sad goodbye. She texted me in the morning and told me that when we walked away holding hands Woody was trotting along between our legs and she went inside and cried.

The last 11 days have been building up to this one hug and this one goodbye and the reality that we may never see each other again.

I had a dream last night that we were staying in an Airbnb and being attacked by assassins. I had to plan the exit. I kicked out every window and led us on a sprint while carrying Woody under my arm. We kept running but we couldn’t escape. And right before it was too late, I woke up.

8.16

She’s leaving in 10. We are talking about the top 5 memories from our marriage.

1. Waking up to Woody between us and licking our faces with his horrible breath.
2. Ireland. The cliffs and the horses and the countryside.
3. Our wedding night. A room filled with people who loved us and were so happy for us. The video we played that made everyone wish for a love like ours.
4. The first Whole30. When she learned to really cook and my blog made 40 year old women across America laugh their asses off.

We only made it to 4. Not that there weren’t more moments, we were just crying too much to think right.

It’s easy to say you want out. It’s another thing to pack your wife’s car with all her things and watch her pull away.

She waved to me from across the street. The most hollow wave. A smile she begged on her face. She was trying to hold it together. I was afraid of walking back up the stairs and opening the door to an apartment with no life.

–

I open the fridge and wait for the sound of his footsteps coming off the bed. They do not.

I call her to make sure she’s okay. She is driving slowly so she can see through her watery eyes.

Then I’m taking sales calls with clients. “No problem, I’ll have that back to you by the end of the day.” I hang up and weep for a second. It rips through me and then it stops before I can really get into the moment.

And so it began. The part that was too hard to fathom. Scarier than an unhappy marriage. Being alone after being together for so long.