On Marriage : The Last Days Part 1

On Marriage : The Last Days Part 1

Less crying today. After you recite the lines so many times they begin to lose the effect.

I called Jenny. Alexis called Rachel. I texted Greg. She talked to her friends in LA. Everyone is sad. No one is shocked. It ended fast. But then again, it started that way. 

I do think about how I won’t have to vacuum twice a day and lint roll the couch. That is quickly weighed against never having Woody jump on the bed and prepare for belly rubs and ridiculous nicknames.

The inability to appreciate the present moment without the immediate thought of loss is my greatest shortcoming. It feels good and then I think it could feel better. Or it could be different. Or this good feeling is only temporary so I should not engage. 

“Do you think you’re seeing a pattern in your behavior?” she asked tonight as we took Woodson on a long walk. 

Of course. I enter with relentless enthusiasm. And I want to leave the second I get the full floor plan. To me, the beginning and the end are the only interesting parts. Everything in the middle is a slow and steady removal of joy. 

She started packing tonight. Well, organizing and sorting. All of our photos. The one of us on the mountain in Hawaii. The trip that started it all. 

I was telling Daniel tonight that this was me fully committed. This relationship in which I never cheated, flirted, wandered, misled, or lied. 18 months of couple’s therapy. The constant effort to connect. And I just couldn’t. When I felt down into my body I didn’t find the thing that made me a good, lasting partner. I didn’t find anything that said I would stay no matter what. 

How do you divide assets? How does one list all the debts while their soon to be ex-wife is crying on the floor holding a photo from their wedding night?

In the morning I laid out my plan for dealing with the grief. She would be leaving soon and I needed to prevent myself from spiraling. It was as follows:

Morning rituals – meditation, tea, walking

Afternoon work – emails, client work, production planning, team interactions

Evening socialize – force myself to make plans with friends to keep moving

Night time rest – prepare to sleep 8 hours and take care to journal before bed 

It was free of the way we were currently spending our time – running her budgets for the move while holding her crying body on my lap, taking turns between rubbing her head and entering =SUM on the spreadsheet. 

I try to think about all the closet space I will soon have. 

Mediation went off without a hitch. Except for the fluorescent lights in our eyes as we talked about our assets and our marriage like we were presenting a new product on Shark Tank. We had pre-sorted what we wanted to do about finances before entering the meeting and the whole appointment took less than an hour. 

It was going to be amicable. 

Charlie says I’m on my own road to discovering a new reality, different than what I was taught to believe. Dwelling on the negative keeps me in the past. Thankfulness connects me to people and to life. 

I struggle with this. People. Thinking of them as an audience. Are they watching? Are they impressed? My phone doesn’t light up with birthday party invites. I act like I wouldn’t go anyway.

“I have a hard time with gratitude,” I say to him.


“Because I picture all the fake people who pretend to be happy all the time and use gratitude like their secret drug.”

“What does their behavior have to do with your ability to be grateful for the things you have in your life?”  

Okay, Sensei. 

Leave a Reply