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Meditation Journal Day 127: I Get It, I'm Not In Control
Meditation Journal Day 127: I Get It, I’m Not In Control

Meditation Journal Day 127: I Get It, I’m Not In Control

Day 127. 10:04am.

32 minutes. Hotel room in Dubai

Staying in a huge space. Space is critical. Laid out yoga mat at foot of bed and opened curtains to let in bright morning light. Did a yoga sequence with focus on feeling. I danced. The music was right. No matter how far I came along the day before there is still fear and tension in my body by morning. To free tension, one must move. Become loose. It’s hard to dance freely, even in a room by myself. No it’s not hard, you’re making it hard. That’s true, it’s not hard. And it feels good.

Poses and counter-poses. Flowed right into some tai chi and cracked the seal open to experience the overwhelming energy bath. Shifting weight from heels to toes noticing flexion and contraction in every muscle.

What does it take to stand?

A lot.

And very little.

Find the point in the middle. I know because it’s like knocking down the walls to a river dam. My body holds itself up and I am lighter than the air around me.

Seated, I turn up music and practice singing. It’s just you, don’t be shy. I can’t sing. But it makes me happy, so I can sing. I should sing. Sing louder, don’t be scared. You’re smiling. You’re happy. You could cry. The music.

From there settle into deep breathing. Get your breath back. New country, new climate, new time zone. Get your breath back and feel normal, you can always control your breath.

So much energy from movement and singing that the sitting is easy. My body is a glowing orb of thick white light that is an extension of the sun outside. When I lift my head I am floating away.

I hear footsteps in the apartment. Who’s there? It doesn’t really matter.

The meditative state isn’t a result. After 100+ days I don’t care about the breath count as much. The minutes seem more trivial. It’s presence. It’s here. Where am I? I’m here. Could it really be this simple? I admire the carpenter more than the banker.

There might not be enlightenment in my future. Sitting is torture. Stillness is the anti-me. I love my mind. I don’t want to hinder its freedom. I’m coming to terms with the changing state of my emotions. I don’t know why I wake up feeling lost, scared, and sad. I can’t figure it out. But I know once I take action it all fades.

Thoughts are child’s play. Thinking that emotions control me; that I have no power over my mental state, that’s just an excuse to be unhappy; one that I’m not currently allowing myself to make. Not currently anyway. I could change my mind tomorrow.

I walk out of my room with an impenetrable smile. My body feels like gold and my heart is in rare form, wide open. I’ve just experienced one of the most clairvoyant moments in my 4 months of daily meditation. This is happiness. I think this is love. Sometimes I get mad at myself for being happy but not right now.

I walk into the living room. One of my best friends is sitting there. His brother just died of a heart attack, on the other side of the world. He is such a good person and it’s not even remotely fair. But he takes it so brilliantly, as he does just about everything. And I realize that even the person I look up to the most knows he can’t control what happens in the world around him.

3 Replies to “Meditation Journal Day 127: I Get It, I’m Not In Control”

  1. I can’t sing at all, but i like to play music, sing along and pretend like I do lol. You are one of my favorite writers!!

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