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Lily the Music Girl: 500 Words Per Day - Day 17
Lily the Music Girl: Day 17

Lily the Music Girl: Day 17

1.27.15

Day 17

They didn’t bring Lily back as our music girl so I’m trying to process my emotions right now. She was a real coming of age story. Quiet at first, unsure of where she belonged in this world. Then Greg and I came along and let her know it was ok to be weird. Week 1 finished, and she was supposed to be back in the office. But not so fast we said, and back she was for week 2. By the end of that week she had listed “being a lemon” as one of her dream goals, and we knew we had created something special.

We made one final request for week 3 but when I waited patiently outside the buses this morning, she was no where to be found.

“She didn’t come this time. She is back at the office,” Sue told me.

“No!” I shouted desperately, looking around trying to find her anyway.

The sound guy they sent us is nice enough, 18 or so year old kid that loves Taylor Swift. I’m not complaining, I secretly love T Swift just as much as the next bipolar adult. But he’s no Lily.

“Hey Lily. I’m going to call you Lily this week,” I said to him.

He smiled, “OK.”

Good kid.

I’m going to give you a list of songs that I’m listening to on repeat right now.

Milky Chance – Flashed Junk Mind (Filous Remix)
Jake Isaac – Waiting Here (Filous Remix)
Athlete – The Getaway
Brolin – Swim Deep

I really want there to be 5 but I can’t think of another and the wifi isn’t working again. They’re a bit emo, surprisingly.

There’s a type of anxiety that I get that surpasses any holistic remedy. I don’t get it much anymore but it happened last night. I can’t even begin to meditate or breathe because my chest won’t physically expand. It’s so tight that my left arm goes numb down to my fingertips. I laid on my sides, stomach, back, leaned against the headboard, hugged pillows, tossed and turned and eventually just waited until 3:31am when I fell asleep for 2 hours. It wasn’t restful sleep. I woke up hotter than a fever, like someone had put me in an oven to cook. Normally I would be wrecked for the day on 2 hours of sleep but the anxiety oil is still burning hard and I can’t even notice anything else.

Today felt more like a dream than a real day. There were people and activities but none of them were very noticeable. I was editing film while Greg gave a debrief and it seemed more like I was watching it all on a big screen.

I find that meditation isn’t making me more “clear” as it’s supposed to, or not clear in a conventional sense, but rather it’s making me more confused. Boundaries have a way of evaporating and I’m one or two strong sessions away from becoming that weird guy that questions reality. I do question reality. I don’t trust it for a second. And when I get this anxiety I don’t trust myself. When I was a kid I didn’t have a choice in my life, and that seemed to work well enough. Now I’m operating without a structure. It doesn’t seem like life has its safety net underneath me anymore. Everything is such a big deal.

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