Five Eleven and Three Quarters: 500 Words a Day – Day 4

Five Eleven and Three Quarters: 500 Words a Day – Day 4

Sometimes I say the word cunt when I’m alone. I’ll look in the mirror and point at myself with scrunched eye sockets and lockjaw and say, “Shut up, cunt.” Then I laugh outloud and go to the bathroom.

I bought an inversion swing. Well, rather, I purchased the materials necessary to make my own because my friend Chris doesn’t allow me to spend more money than necessary without an unnecessary amount of judgement leaking off his brow.

He had the eyelit hooks and I grabbed 18 feet of tubular webbing (nylon strap for lesbian rock climbers) as well as some heavy duty carabiners. Together we abominated my landlord’s beautiful trim work and set up the spine factory.

It’s important to note the real reason behind people doing yoga and other such “holistic” and “spiritual” things – because they suck balls at being happy. I’m sorry, we, not they. Don’t be fooled ever that someone on this path is inherently well – mentally, physically, or emotionally. So, while I would like to say that I went to great links to set up this $8.71 swing ($99+ online, suck it, Amazon) for the health benefits, the reason prods a much greater depth. It goes back quite a few years.

I was a ‘late bloomer.’ I had a squeaky voice through early high school. While all my friends were doing chicks, I was afraid to even see a vag. I was a little frumpster, too. Baby fat.

And then it all changed.

I grew like 6 inches in a year. Chicks were trying to cop the johnson left and right. I was cruising right up there towards the coveted 6 foot mark when I sputtered out. 5 foot 11 and 3/4. You cunt. I tried not to panic, figuring I’d get the last 1/4 over the next year or two. But it never came. It NEVER came.

And people ask me all the time, “How tall are you?” “Fuck you,” I think. Every inch of me wants to say 6 foot. But what a lying sack of shit that would make me. “I’m just under 6 foot.” “I’m five eleven and 3/4.” “I’m 6 foot in basketball shoes.” And I just want to be able to say it, and for it to be true – “I’m 6 foot.” Smiling, from the inside out.

I read an article that yoga was making old grannies taller and have stronger bones or something about an old lady doing arm balances and it all clicked for me.

Inversion swing = 1/4 inch.



I like to throw parties and then hide in the back room the whole time. But not just kegs and bro parties but perfectly orchestrated parties with hot babes and a well-structured layout that optimizes one’s ability to have a comfortable social experience.

I don’t particularly like interacting with people that I don’t know and I sure as hell don’t like Facebook groups because I have like 5000 notifications and none of them are actually about ME. But, I was reading Michaela’s post this morning and she mentioned that she was going to the farmer’s market in Little Italy and just last week I told myself I wanted to start going to that market again but by today I already forgot all about it. But thanks to Michaela, and this group, I remembered. I probably won’t go but I got excited for a second and that’s something I wouldn’t have had without this group. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m cancelling the group now.

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