120 Days of Stillness: Meditation Journal

Everything is changing every day and I don’t know the best strategy for dealing with all of it. If I could take one thing away from where I am today it’s that the brief moment of sensationally perceiving myself and the environments around me before I go into the analytical are always true. Whether they are right or wrong, they are always true. In the discovery of this information I can work to stretch out those fleeting moments of clarity before my world is clouded by thought and doubt.

Looking back over this chunk of time it’s hard to type all of the words from my journal and not want to change them all. I sound lost, ignorant, confused, my focus was sporadic, my commitment was wavering, and it doesn’t seem at all how it’s going for me now. But interestingly enough, I had the conversation tonight that none of the stuff I’m realizing every day is possible without logging all this time meditating. I can be a total fuck up and stumble my way through this process but because I am sitting down and practicing something I am learning something.

I really just want to know where all my anger comes from. I want to know why pain is so piercing and joy is so fleeting.

Day 91: 10.23.14

20 minutes – 12:32am – NYC couch

Tried to stay disciplined. Back to basics. 15 breaths. 3 rounds shining skull up to 75 pumps. 10 more breaths. Then reflection. Another light show, eyes appeared to be fluttering only they weren’t moving. I wish I could explain any of this.

Day 92: 10.24.14

15 minutes – 12:19am – NYC couch

Too late. Worthless.

Day 93: 10.25.14

19 minutes – 12:19am – NYC couch

I see things sometimes. Or I drift and a thought creeps up, a visual, and it startles me. What is the difference between our thoughts and reality? Why doesn’t life feel more life like? When I think of insanity I physiologically feel its existence in my body. Whether today or 20 years, it’s already in me.

Day 94: 10.26.14

17 minutes – 1:49am – NYC couch

It gets easier to commit to the sitting after the time has been consistent for a few days. Still think morning is much better.

Day 95: 10.27.14

11 minutes – 2:26am – NYC couch

nothing lost, nothing gained.

Day 96: 10.30.14

12 minutes – 1:25am – San Diego

Missed 2 straight nights. Travel. New life experiences. Staying up late. So I was just happy to sit. But does this really even matter if it’s not a consistent thing? I’m trying to live between 2 worlds. If I go completely then I risk losing friends or relationships because I’ll be that fucking weirdo that meditates when company is over. And I don’t necessarily want to meditate with someone else.

Day 97: 10.31.14

10 minutes – 7:06pm – SD living room

Decided to get some work in before I go out tonight because I haven’t tried this yet.

Day 98: 11.1.14

12 minutes – 8:52am – SD living room

Back to the breath. It’s the only thing I can invest in and be sure that it will help me grow. I don’t know why I work on anything else. I don’t understand how to be around people. I just try to fit in. So uncomfortable. Never really home anywhere. I feel so out of place. But my breath, it’s there and it’s comforting and then that feeling of deep sadness comes out. but it’s not sad sad, it’s important sad. Something to work through.

Day 99: 11.2.14

5 minutes – 8:15am – SD living room

Just need some focus

14 minutes – 6:52pm – SD living room

I’m hurting some. I’m so fucking sensitive. I take things personally. I need to figure out what I love. I need to narrow my focus and stop avoiding real work. I keep talking about it but I’m not sure I’m really doing it. I’m tired of feeling sad and alone. I’m not engaging. what is someone just going to come up to me and offer me the solution? Why am I not stronger?

Day 100: 11.3.14

13 minutes – 11:55pm – SD living room

Racing thoughts. Left eyelid has been twitching last 4 days. Fell into sleepiness quickly. Doesn’t feel very productive when I drift off like that but I will sleep well now. Didn’t get a chance to address any sadness. Greg says not to dwell and to stay busy. Maybe that’s why he’s never affected.

Day 101: 11.4.14

14 minutes – 12:26am – SD living room

Got the spins. Like drink spins. Not sure why. Entire landscape was whipping around in my head like a tornado. Restless legs made its way into my spine. Then it went away because I acted like it was nothing.

Writing down is helpful. blogging is helpful. Need to return and close out circles. Can’t keep starting and not finishing. Finishing is how you get really good.

Day 102: 11.5.14

25 minutes – 10:43pm – SD living room

Back to basics. Sat and let thoughts come through. Not stressful just giving them room to air themselves out. Then counted breath then shiny skull followed by bandha holds – root, stomach, throat. Inhale then release and for a moment it’s really quiet. Like really fucking silent how could the entire world just slow down to a halt now? Set a timer. Needed to get 20. Have to get serious again. Having a hard time getting back to the pain. Can’t understand why other people can gain access to my emotions. As in I’m trying to trace the wiring inside my head that triggers my heart and my gut. can’t find the attachment yet.

After 20 minutes my spine got tired. Had to switch out legs because they fell asleep. I think these pillows are not ideal. I should take the time to address that.

Day 103: 11.6.14

28 minutes – 8:29am – SD living room

Turning point today. Had a purpose. Took control of my mind early on with mantras. Thought about phrases that were important to me. Relationships. Who do I have to be to get the things that I want? That is the focus. Not the things, but who I need to be. Darci. She was the ultimate woman. But we couldn’t land in each others eyes for long enough to not get swept away by unimportant life things.

I should pick a focus every week. Decide what I want in that moment and reflect on what I need to do to get it. This feels like something.

20 minutes – 11:08pm – SD living room

Not as clear as this morning. Many thoughts. erratic circles. Tried to pick a focus again. Said some mantras. Less pressure on myself. Enjoy life. Just relax. I want to lighten up. It feels good to take a second and be proud of myself. If I stop trying so hard will I ever get anywhere? There’s nowhere to go is there? Then who will witness?

Thought about things to say when I film my course overview video this weekend. Looped many thoughts together.

Got restless. Air is dry, not good to breathe into throat.

Day 104: 11.7.14

45 minutes – 12:38am – SD living room

This wasn’t a typical session. I started by reciting my speech for tomorrow in my head to make sure I would be prepared and not succumb to nerves. Soon I was saying it out loud and went over it 9 times until I was solid. It turned into an impromptu Ted Talk, which I loved and thought it was brilliant. I was regretful halfway through that I wasn’t recording because I’m not usually this clear and channeled. Maybe it was dance class earlier but I’ve been so much more comfortable being myself today than usual.

I feel high. Like that was just something.

Day 105: 11.8.14

13 minutes – 1:30am – SD bedroom

I was just happy I sat at all. Was talking myself out of it as I got home late and I just sat and it was nice. I’m sad. Dwelling on loneliness. Why do I feel lacking? After a day like today with all the people and all the support I just want to come home and lay next to someone under the covers.

Get over it.

Day 106: 11.9.14

15 minutes – 12:20am – SD bedroom

Once I’m already tired my meditation suffers. Placing it at the end of the night is like sending your shitty drunk brother to pick your kid up from school. Had to put pillow under my mid back and lie down half way through because my legs went numb. Must move meditation to time when I am sharp and attentive.

Day 107: 11.10.14

15 minutes – 1:00am – SD living room

Came off crazy rush of producing video and rending 1st draft. Something I’ve been working on for almost a year. So to sit down after that was stimulating. My body was humming with the drugs that creativity makes. The high that surpasses all other living. So it tingles. My heart was tense but in a good way. Stomach lining surging with positive anxiousness.

When I work my creative brain hard I know I am doing the right thing. It gives me unbelievable confidence. Like I’m fucking brilliant and can’t be stopped. Loneliness turned into the most productive week of my life. That’s the story I want to tell.

Day 108: 11.11.14

15 minutes – 3:35am – Greg’s guestroom

Staying up late talking before trip to Hong Kong in the morning. Took nice breaths. I can experience any outcome I choose. It’s only my mind that puts limitation on what I feel. I can choose to be tired or I can choose to be curious about the revelations of this interesting late night meditation. I can be happy or I can point to shortcomings. It’s all inside my head and the world wouldn’t work any differently on the outside but I’d see it differently. Still not sure why I choose negativity. Can’t get a full trace on that yet. Will keep trying.

Day 109: 11.13.14

7 minutes – 11:11pm – Jen Hotel, Hong Kong

Lost day to time travel again. Got into my hotel and unpacked my things. I’ve been doing this long enough so I have a pretty tight system. Toiletries, teas, oils, sulfur, wireless speaker, travel yoga mat, it all comes out. I did push ups and sit ups with some stretches to get blood flowing. Hanging off edge of bed to open my spine. Sat on the window bench seat 16 floors above the busy HK streets and meditated. Not very effectively. I’m dead tired. This was the first time I legitimately fell asleep sitting upright. I caught myself halfway down to a face plant and just started laughing. Now I’ll shower and rest. I like hotels. I like this life. I would like someone else who also like this life.

Day 110: 11.16.14

14 minutes – 6:34pm – Hong Kong apartment

2 days I missed. Lost them to space. No chance. Living in a blindness from travel. Stumbling to bed. No connected thoughts.

Felt good to sit. Did it earlier so I could stay awake. More focus. Guided breaths. Thinking about open heart. Not being scared. Feeling things and being ok with however they go. I am strong. I can handle life. I want to live more so I have to be more open.

Day 111: 11.17.14

15 minutes – 11:50pm – HK bedroom

Sat upon pillows in my new Nike hoodie that I’m obsessed with. Did my 20 deep breaths to start. Racing thoughts. That’s 5. Around 19 and 20 I settled. Felt good. Thought about being more open to not being in control of everything. Gradually from the reactive fixer to just being ok with some shit. Today anyway. That happened a lot today and I was happy.

Day 112: 11.19.14

22 minutes – 12:30am – HK bedroom

Did some stretching and inversions after basketball on my yoga mat. Made it an event and was able to get into it as a result. Better than looking at it as a chore. I guess it was more of a routine and did some seated Qi Gong. That helps my brain and spine turn to a conductor of electricity. I can feel it through my skin and bones. It’s my choice to view something as positive or negative, to whine or feel sorry for myself or to keep learning. No blaming anyone else for my life. No making excuses for not being the person I want to be. It’s simple.

Day 113: 11.20.14

25 minutes – 12:00am – HK bedroom

Started with yoga again on my mat on the floor between the bed a and the wall. Hong Kong apartment is laughable because it’s literally not even wide enough for my mat to lay out flat. Backbend, shoulder stand, fish pose. Used the wall and the bed to tuck my elbows in tights for shoulder and had a nice experience. I can always be meditating. Even while I write, it can be an objective to get thoughts down on paper or it can be an experience of living through the tip of the pen as it glides across the page and creates thoughts that are now reality.

From the air between my head the words on the paper will become something real to other people. Stay with the moment – it’s physical. Experience life through pourous skin instead of a mind filter. Quantify and categorize no. Live.

Did seated Qi Gong again and it tickled the spine. Last night I meditated about money. I need more for my business to be less stressful. This morning I woke up to a text from Avia shoe company wanting to send me $1500 for a photoshoot. Could be nothing. Could be everything. I don’t want to keep visualizing money because I feel greedy. I don’t need much, I just want to provide a space where people can be themselves and teachers get paid really well. And I don’t have nervous breakdowns about finances. And love. Bring me love. Do I have much more work to do before I’m ready?

Day 114: 11.21.14

5 minutes, maybe – 12:30am – HK bed

I hung out with a friend till late. then I came home and texted with another friend and really was enjoying myself. I didn’t want to cut it off so I kept at it. Then I said I would meditate on my back in bed. It might have been 5 breaths before I drifted into the deepest sleep I’ve had in a while.

Day 115: 11.22.14

10 minutes – 7:30am – HK bedroom

Morning sit. Trying to wash the guilt of last night’s session away. Morning med is so much more enjoyable for me. You know this. Breath is shallow first thing. I have residual tension from my nightly apocalyptic dreams. But as the breath opens up my body feels like a freshly baked cookie.

Will try to be very mindful today. It’s not my preference to fit into tight spaces but should I find myself in one I’d like to not freak out.

12 minutes – 11:59pm – HK bedroom

Needed it tonight. Well, wanted it. Some nights I just want to sit and breathe. Greg and Mijon asked tonight if I was capable of being truly alone. No texts, no FB messages, just by myself for a while. In my head I think yes but it really terrifies me if I’m being honest. Like, why do I have her picture in my journal? We’re not together. What am I doing to myself?

I do not feel alive unless there is struggle in my life. Well, previously. I’m seeing things differently. Slowly. Every moment is a potential photograph and if I just sit and be porous then there’s enough here on Earth to blow me away. Everything is a story. Every crack, painting, bug, couple, house, they are all moments. I can travel the whole goddamn world and chase things butI’m just looking for the right story. I am swimming. Barely above it all. Heavy weight on my shoulders. My backpack. But it’s all so easy and it’s at least half way beautiful. So go. Just go. What’s holding you back? I has to feel real.

Digital, digital, digital. I know it’s crap. Still I can’t walk away. Waiting for a message to come through my phone from someone, I don’t know who, I don’t know what, but I keep looking at it like it’s going to do something. The ocean. that does something. Phone = anxiety. Ocean = freedom. Why is this hard?

Day 116: 11.23.14

15 minutes – 7:53am – HK bedroom

Shallow chest. Unbelievable tension. Mind wakes up like a banshee but body still sleeps. Seated, naked, wrapped in a small blanket, I remember being a kid.

Ping pong thoughts. Driving me a bit mad. I can’t control, ok, so let go. And they come and go and I just have to be ok with it. There’s a lesson. Eventually the breath deepens. Where do my opinions come from? If I watch closely there is always a memory – a quote, a film, a friend, book, parent – something that made an impression on me, and that shows up in my brain a quarter second before “my” opinion arises. I can see the image, like a glitch, which means my thoughts are not my own.

I dreamed that I was attaining enlightenment last night. It was so vivid and my body was lit up like a star. Just when it was about to happen, I woke up. How fucked up is that? Does this mean I am on the right path? Or that I will never get there? Probably both. But it was sensational, like the first time I ever had an orgasm as a teenager, something you cannot miss.

Devices in the morning. Devices in the evening. Devices at suppertime. Waiting for something to happen.

It’s already happening.

Day 117: 11.24.14

15 minutes – 12:29am (Dubai time) – Dubai hotel

I might be happy right now. Like right this second I feel love in my body. Perhaps it is possible to be happy. The thinking paralyzes me. The work though, the work gives me freedom. All my life I look for a short cut to wealth and retirement but the happiest moments are coming through work. Because work is a form of experience. I can be the humble camera man that takes great pride in his work and isn’t worried about being recognized as an expert, instead practicing my craft on a personal level and being an expert.

Talk less. i am talking less. Our words are empty – judge me over time. And I’m happy right now because I have been working hard and enjoying simple moments in my body.

Did a brief stretch sequence 32 stories above the Dubai marina city lights. Every week a new place and somehow I’ve become steady. The buildings are always changing and there are always going to be moments to find time to pay attention. Peace even with anxiety. I’m not afraid to be happy tonight.

Day 118: 11.25.14

32 minutes – 10:04am – Dubai hotel

Staying in a huge space. Space is critical. Laid out yoga mat at front of bed and opened curtains to let in bright morning light. Did a yoga sequence with focus and feeling. Poses and counterposes. Flowed right into some tai chi and cracked the seal open to experience the overwhelming energy bath. Shifting weight from heels to toes noticing flex and contraction in every muscle. What does it take to stand? A lot. And very little. find the point in the middle. I know because it’s like knocking down the walls to a river dam. My body holds itself up and I am lighter than the air around me. Seated, I turn on music and practice singing. It’s just you, don’t be shy. I can’t sing. But it makes me happy. Sing louder, don’t be scared. You’re smiling. You’re happy. You could cry. The music.

From there settle into deep breathing. Get your breath back. New counting new climate new time zone. Get your breath back.

So much energy from movement and singing the sitting is easy. My body is a glowing orb of thick white light that is an extension of the sunlight coming through the window. I hear footsteps. In the apartment. Who’s there? It doesn’t really matter. The meditative state isn’t a result. After 100 + days I don’t care about the breath count as much. The minutes seem more trivial. It’s presence. It’s here. Where am I? I’m here.

There might not be enlightenment in my future. Sitting is torture. Stillness is the anti me. I love my mind. I don’t want to hinder its freedom. I’m coming to terms with the changing state of my emotions. I don’t know why I wake up most mornings feeling lost, scared, and sad. I can’t figure it out. But I know once I take action it all fades. Thoughts are childs play. Thinking that emotions control me, that I have no power over my mental state, that’s just an excuse to be unhappy. One that I’m not currently allowing myself to make.

I walk out of my room with a smile on my face, go into the living room to find out that one of my best friend’s brother just died. And I’m filled with sadness.

Day 119: 11.26.14

22 minutes – 12:02pm – Dubai hotel

Worked out. Swam. Sat in sun. Sunlight is a natural high. Really feel it in my body after 20 minutes. Sat down and breathed. Had a good go of it straight away. Thoughts wandered but it was fine. Was kind to myself. Goes a long way. Did shining skull. Made my posture strong. We call it an out of body experience but it’s really an in the body one.

Moved into seated Qi Gong. Feeling bones and muscles interact with blood. Tracing struggle in the mind and separating it from physical fatigue. Feeling very strong. Wandering thoughts. It’s ok. back to the breath.

Settle arms back down. My spine is now longer. My skull is being pulled up to the ceiling. I’m not doing anything. I’ve left my head, now it’s the atmosphere. My body is literally weightless. Moving through opened patches of space in a bubble. can see the Earth. Can see clouds. Can see faces and structures unfamiliar. Still weightless. Actually, floating. It’s the opposite of gravity. My body is still sitting though. Ok, this is too much. Anxiety brings the eyes open. I feel nice.

Day 120: 11.27.14

5 minutes – 10:15am – Dubai hotel

Peanut butter makes it hard to take deep breaths.

14 minutes – 11:57pm – hotel

Until I fall asleep sitting. That’s the nighttime routine. I’ve been sleeping so much better. And I need to sleep less. I’m on the other side of the world on Thanksgiving having Indian fast food for dinner with 2 stranger 18 year old Arabic kids talking about women and The Hunger Games. I have this massive apartment to myself and all my friends are home together eating and celebrating and I don’t feel lonely. Not one bit. Even if I try. I feel perfectly satisfied like I’m not missing anything. Why is that?

Total minutes = 551 = 18 minutes/day

What is your meditation practice like?