60 Days of Meditating – Journal Entries From Over 1000 Minutes of Sitting

These are notes on meditation taken directly from my journal without editing. I write in the journal immediately after each sitting and try to recount what I experienced during the process. I know it is important but I don’t really know why. People will tell me to follow a teacher or a particular discipline of meditation to see faster results, but that’s not my goal. I want to meditate without form or structure until one naturally presents itself and I realize the benefits meditation has on me specifically without prying myself into someone else’s recounted experience. I don’t want my experience to be tainted, altered, or biased to anyone’s preference that may have impact on my own experience.

I see no point in rushing to a solution if I have my entire life to be here and learn things about myself. The difference between thinking about things and actually doing the things I’m thinking about could not be more staggering. Every time I sit down I learn something new, whether it’s painful or pretty, it’s all useful information. I would never learn any of these things if I merely sat around and thought about meditation or pretending that I knew what effect it would have on me personally. I do stuff like that sometimes and I’m completely missing the point of being alive. It’s about doing things and seeing what you can learn from them. I am so tired of thinking I know things that I don’t.

See first 30 day recap HERE.

Day 31 8.19.14

12:22am – I’m in Seattle in my hotel room.

Meditated 20 minutes. Wasn’t productive. Distracted by cellphone. Texts and emails. Because the phone was within reach I could think about nothing else.

Day 32 8.20.14

1:11am – Seattle hotel room. UW neighborhood.

Meditated 18 minutes. Rowdy. Took all session to get calm. Subtle spine sway, moving back and forth even though I wasn’t controlling it.

Day 33 8.21.14

1:43am – Apartment, San Diego.

Meditated 28 minutes. Right leg numb. Too much fear of failure. Small-time thinking. Need to make bold moves. This is my world.

Day 34 8.22.14

2:34pm – Yoga studio (Hale Holistic), San Diego

Meditated 20 minutes. Nice to sit in a large, open room on a blanket and bolster. I love the teachers I have here. All day I stress. They don’t understand how hard it is to enjoy something when you are responsible for its existence. But right now I love them because it’s important when people care about each other and they all care about their students so much.

11:45pm – Apartment, San Diego

Meditated 30 minutes. Incorporated seated Qi Gong. Couldn’t get settled until I started moving. Soon as I feel like I have a meditative “breakthrough” I start thinking about what it means and then it’s ruined. Fight my way back to calm and hang there for a few moments before I lose it again.

Day 35 8.23.14

9:20am – Apartment, San Diego

Meditated 26 minutes. New business ideas for Hale. All my stress comes down to money. I need to make more. Body feels thick and sedated, good chemical mix. Like a clean speed ball. I miss drugs. I’m on a death mission to experience freedom and open-mindedness without drugs or alcohol. I have no idea why it’s so important to me, it just is. Maybe because the other way is easier and doesn’t feel like a true accomplishment. I want to be somebody that does things because they are interesting to me and that’s the only reason I need.

Day 36 8.24.14

12:20am – Apartment, San Diego

Meditated 5 minutes. Worthless. Why even bother if you’re going to mail it in?

Day 37 8.25.14

9:47am – Embarcadero Park, San Diego

Meditated 25 minutes. Rode bike to harbor. Wanted to be close to water. Don’t suppress clarity in favor of peace. Peace doesn’t make problems go away. Peace comes as a result of dealing with reoccurring internal struggle. The same things come up repeatedly. If I deal with them, I find peace. If I don’t, I find excuses. My excuses are complete bullshit and if I pretend to accept them for a second I am conceding to being mediocre.

Meditate in public to practice getting over being very self aware. Someone walks by and laughs, I think they are laughing about me. Why would that be my first thought? External validation. Easy to come back from. Just a breath and a reminder. Two things happen – 1 they stop laughing and 2 if they were laughing at me I don’t care anymore because I’m back in my own body.

Breath was shallow to start. Haven’t slept well in 3 straight nights. Can feel my physiology weaken. Only something I notice when I’m doing this regular meditation. How many things can I notice the more I start to pay attention? Taoist monks were able to draw the first accurate diagrams of the ear canal as a result of daily meditation. Long before x-rays existed. Can I predict a cold? Do I know when I’m susceptible to emotional struggle?

Day 38 8.26.14

11:20pm – Apartment, San Diego

Meditated 22 minutes. Candles. Magic. There is magic in a dark room lit by candles. Mood can be improved or worsened by environment. Pay attention to environments. Sacred space. Rachel. She only puts things in her apartment that make her feel good. So simple but so brilliant.

Day 39 8.27.14

12:34am – Apartment, San Diego

Meditated 20 minutes. Painful tonight. Deep and wretched anxiety. Pressure in the chest but worse is the subtle tickle right below my skin along the spine and down the legs. Restless leg syndrome in my whole body. I want to rip my own legs off and throw them through a glass door. Each inhale the tingle ripples through my spine and the exhales fold me over with anxiety. Stick it out for tortures sake.

Non-attachment, how far does it extend? Can I detach from this feeling of physical misery? I stopped classifying the feelings and just sat there like it was my first day on Earth. Yes, the anxiety went away. Yes, I was pleased. But then it came back. That’s the best I can do isn’t it? That’s what this whole thing is going to show me. It’s always going to be changing and I’m never going to be in front of it for more than a breath at a time. And I have to be ok with that?

The reality of who I am – impatient, aggressive, and anxious.

Day 40 8.28.14

9:22am – San Diego sidewalk

Didn’t meditate. Anxiety literally scared me out of it. Was too afraid to sit down. Couldn’t even face it. Was eating me alive when I woke up. Needed to take the meditation on the road via a walk.

11:29am – Hale

Meditated 20 minutes. Mind like pinball machine. Anxiety settles for a beat at a time then it’s back and it fucking grinds me out til I’m nothing. Took to mantra “breathing in I know I am breathing in, breathing out I know I am breathing out,” until my nervous system started to self-regulate. Forehead started to tingle, vibrating to the cadence of my heartbeat. Thump, thump thump, a tiny burst of electricity. Where does it come from and why is it happening?

Day 41 8.29.14

12:50pm – Hale

Meditated 20 minutes. Meditation. Sulfur shot. I’m getting somewhere. Clarity comes in direct proportion to my lack of interest in other people’s thoughts about what I’m doing.

12:12am – Apartment, San Diego

Meditated 10 minutes. Couldn’t make it past 10 minutes. Brutal. A dagger straight to my heart. You fucking anxiety. Had to lay on my back and try not to cry.

Day 42 8.30.14

11:59pm – Apartment

Meditated 5 minutes. Lazy. Excuses. Hanging out with friends. When do I make the full transition? When do I stand for this enough to be unshakable? Currently, I’m at the mercy of life and the desire to have experiences.

Day 43 9.1.14

12:16am – Hale

Meditated 16 minutes. Anything less than 20 minutes is quitting. Spine was collapsing. Couldn’t sit up long. Can only breathe through so much pain. Lying on back once again.

Day 44 9.2.14

9:39am – Super Office (my office at Hale)

Couldn’t meditate. Had a fire under my ass. A real manic bender. Got off the meditation pillow and went into the office. 30 days of meditation article went up. I can’t sit still after an article gets published. Went on YA and the people are eating it up big time. Could wrestle a bear and really beat the fuck out of him. Built a website, designed promo graphics, set up employee direct deposit, sent emails, called credit card companies and other shit I would never do. I have to eat but it takes so long. Call in order across the street, they know my order, they’ll bring it over. I can eat while standing at my desk. Two computers running tandem. As soon as I see that spinning wheel I ditch that slow piece of shit and jump on the other. Not a wasted second. Working cyclone. Spinning a web and pulling tasks into the vortex. The spiral gets tighter and the work turns to dust because I am eating it alive.

1:11am – Hale

Meditated 12 minutes. Couldn’t stay awake. Kept nodding off.

Day 45 9.3.14

9:50am, 11:23am, 1:38pm, 6:04pm, 11:11pm, 3:01am – I’m on an airplane somewhere over the ocean heading to Hong Kong and it’s hard to keep track of anything. Been watching so many shows on my iPad that I can’t see straight. 8:30pm now I’m on a Malaysia Airlines flight and a prayer to Allah just appeared on all of the TV screens across the whole plane. It says that we are going on a journey and should we never come back to know that we died for a worthy cause. Too close to the disappearing plane for this to be even remotely comfortable.

Day 46 9.4.14

4:12am – Impiana Hotel, Kuala Lumpur

Meditated 15 minutes. Lost in space. Soul is still in CA and will take a few days to catch up with the flight. Lost a day due to time travel. Traveling is lonely at the moment.

Day 47 9.5.14

10:20am – Impiana Hotel, Kuala Lumpur

Meditated 20 minutes. Did some Qi Gong before meddy. Was helpful. Always is. Should do it more but then it’s just more time. Framed like a job then. When will I be finished instead of being in the moment. Even though it’s a great way to spend my time.

Commitment is essential to a meditation practice. To anything. It doesn’t work to just think about meditating in my head or to build a streak and then think I can take a day off because I “get it.” No. It’s much more than that. I can’t waiver when other opportunities come up. I have to stick to something or else what am I worth?

Day 48 9.6.14

6:30am – Impiana

Woke up every 2 hours. Jet lag. Disoriented and needing movement. Went up to gym on 25th floor and ran, did push ups, then swam in the rooftop pool. Sun just coming up over the city skyline. Choose this instead of meditation and trying to be ok with it. I think it’s ok because I was just in CA and now I’m in Asia and I need to adjust.

9:30pm – Impiana

Meditated 10 minutes. Jet lag is getting me more than usual. Might as well have been watching Momento for the last 10 minutes because I have no idea what happened.

Day 49 9.7.14

7:46am – Impiana

Meditated 20 minutes (2, 10 min sittings). Unable to plug into my body. Travel has injected a local into my nerves and makes connecting temporarily impossible.

Day 50 9.8.14

7:13am – Impiana

Meditated 10 minutes. It’s my birthday. Thinking about my day. Taking a teksi to the Batu Caves to witness Hindu prayers and the 200 foot Buddha. Breakfast. Private hip hop lesson with Malaysian celeb. So many good plans. But I’m alone. And that’s what I dwell on. Is seeing the world worth anything alone? It makes me better, it gives me perspective, but who cares if I’m the only one who knows this?

Day 51 9.9.14

8:37am – Cherengin Hills, Malaysian Jungle

Meditated 18 minutes. Listened to music during meditation. Rent soundtrack came on because it’s on my playlist and I listen to it ALL THE TIME. So yeah, I sang it out loud, what else would I do? And that shit always makes me emotional. I don’t know why but I can get more emotional over songs and shows than real life.

11:11pm – Hotel room

Meditated 20 minutes. When I finish meditating and it’s 11:11 I think that’s some major shit. Magic and angels. I hit some push ups before I sat down because my energy is coming back. It turned into a hip hop dance mash up and a shadowboxing/hulk session in the mirror until I was dripping sweat and screaming at my reflection. I meditated and then drew a cat out of my pencil drawing book. That’s a night well spent.

Day 52 9.10.14

7:14am – Mountain sidewalk

Meditated 20 minutes. Woke up early, took a walk through thick mountain fog. My dreams are wild here. There are ghosts. My meditation lacks structure. I don’t have clear goals and therefor little direction. I’m just waiting to see what happens after multiple iterations. It’s not bad but it’s going to take a shitload of time. People say you need a plan but the first plan was only formed after countless hours of wandering. I have to be ok with this.

11:00pm – Hotel room

Meditated 22 minutes. Can’t get through body armor. Nothing is happening directly to me, just all around. My legs are on a different continent and my head isn’t even reachable for comment. Fragments. I am operating in segments and they are not allowed to communicate with each other. Visuals of the sun shining through a stained glass ceiling hovering above a botanical garden. Light shining in all directions. Heaven is imminent.

Day 53 9.11.14

7:18am – Hotel room

Meditated 20 minutes. Woke up from dreams and went right into sitting. Was protecting a large, metal gate. Then I was a black man running for office. Then I was raking leaves in the fall on vacation. Kept my music playing during meditation again. Sang, but it sucked so I got mad because I can’t sing. Kept going though, like you do when you’re possessed. After 15 minutes I was harmonizing. Voice is a muscle like everything else and can be trained to be productive. I started paying attention to the actual shape and texture of each note and singing to that instead of trying to sing what I thought it should sound like.

11:45pm – Hotel room

Meditated 30 minutes. I’m here alone so it’s easy to get a routine. I would be bored and depressed without something so this is something to look forward to. No distractions here. No wifi in the rooms and no soft body in bed next to me.

Day 54 9.12.14

9:21am – Hotel room

Meditated 15 minutes. The mind ruins everything. I get 2 good days, maybe 3 while it’s new and exciting and everything feels fresh like rain. Then it unravels and the ugly flaws pierce my eyeballs and nothing pleasant anymore.

11:44pm – Hotel room

Meditated 32 minutes. Listened to 2 Deepak tracks to wet the brow. He talked about the third eye and my forehead began pulsing out of control. Tell me that’s not something? I wonder how many times a day I choose engaging in experiences outside of myself to feel something instead of making a strong choice that reflects the person I want to be internally. How do I build true resolve other than regularly changing my behavior until it’s naturally wired? There isn’t another way. It all takes so much time. But I have time.

Day 55 9.13.14

9:30am – Hotel room.

Meditated 25 minutes. Me and Ang had to take out trash really late at my old place. 4-5 bags. We were scared. Got a lantern. Took it out but then realized we were being hunted. I was firing off ammo. The cops were chasing me but so were the gangs. Big girl on toy car pulls into driveway when she sees our lantern.

It rained last night and I was dreaming this. It came back to me during meditation.

Impossible to trace smooth stream of vision from one object to the next. Eyeballs jump from place to place like a first time stick shift driver. Try it. Trace your eyeballs across the wall and notice every point like smooth velvet. It’s impossible. The more you slow down the more you notice the glitches in between space. With practice I’m hoping to slow it down enough to see like silk feels.

Day 56 9.14.14

6:09am – Ascott Hotel, Kuala Lumpur

Meditated 10 minutes. It’s pouring rain and the morning prayers are being projected over the city through the speakers. It’s dark and I’m sitting and I feel like I’m wrapped in a blanket. I love the prayers. I love the rain. I love the darkness in the morning.

Day 57 9.15.14

10:58am – Villa Patio, Seminyak Bali

Meditated 15 minutes. Let me explain this to my future self. I just ran 3 miles on the beach along undeveloped coast. Came back to the villa and did a standing sequence. Meditated and then went for a swim in our pool. WHILE THAT WAS HAPPENING the wonderful staff woman was making me eggs and bacon. What the fuck could be better in the entire world right now? This is not real. But I feel so natural in this life.

Day 58 9.16.14

10:30am – Villa Patio

Meditated 15 minutes. Same story as yesterday. My life rules.

11:35pm – New Villa Bedroom, Ubud Bali

Meditated 20 minutes. Very distracted by overhead ceiling fan. Didn’t get up to turn it off though because I thought the previous time spent sitting wouldn’t then count. Thought very much about life strategy. Being in Bali makes me want to be in Bali more, which requires money. I’m smart, how can I make a lot of money and do what I want?

Day 59 9.17.14

11:50pm – Villa Bedroom

Meditated 20 minutes. This time I turned the fan off before sitting down. Learning from iterations. Only things I could learn from actually doing something. Wouldn’t know that was a factor if I only thought about meditation. Learning is satisfying. Mosquito net in this room is so thick I cant barely see. A staff could easily come up here and chop my head off with a machete.

Day 60 9.18.14

9:18am – Villa Terrace

Meditated 15 minutes. Did some Qi Gong first. Walked the grounds. Old school Bali villa built on a rice farm. Had a good experience. Cushions were very comfortable. The sitting setup is critical to a successful meditation. Everything is slow now, including my pace of thought. Had body tingles, light shows in my forehead, insights. Could follow things in linear fashion instead of usual circles. I am afraid to let go of my position in the public. There is more work that I care deeply about and need to pursue but I’m afraid to let go of everything else.

Spreads through my body like thick jelly on a warm piece of toast – Stillness, that’s what it feels like.

Total meditation time for the month- 669 minutes or 11.15 hrs or 22.3 minutes/day 

It’s possible I missed a few sittings because my journal is written in ancient chicken scratch text that I can’t even read. I’ve since kept an entirely separate journal to more accurately track my records, including date, time, location, sitting duration, and thoughts. Something I wouldn’t have known to do if I hadn’t started and made all kinds of mistakes.