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Whole30 Day 24 : Three Quarter Review

8:10 a.m.

Woody won’t come out and say it but I know he’s pissed he didn’t get a pic up on the blog yesterday.

We were starving before bed last night. I started in on a snacking forage and Alexis followed. We were eating food like raccoons. I licked the remains of a squeezed lemon for sustenance. Housing cashew butter at $1.40 per bite. Alexis is trying to make a cacao smoothie and the banana is green as money. “Are the bananas ripe enough?” “They are ripe enough for me.” That’s where we’re at. Are you jealous?

And after some light snacking there was sixteen pounds of dishes in the sink.

8:23 a.m.

I stole a bicycle from the Nike store last night. At least that’s what my dreams told me. I couldn’t remember how to get home either. All I had to do was make it back to my apartment and the bike was mine.

Last night…

Alexis is in bed doing what I call her sleeping meditation. She lays down with her malas and takes 108 deep breaths. My impression is that she gets through about twenty of them before she is zonked.

Meanwhile, I’m on the living room floor lying on my side letting this grey despair work its way through me for the second straight night. It’s like, there’s so many things one has to do right to feel right. Did I eat well today? Lately, yes. Did I exercise? Is my work done? Are my bills going to get paid? Did I take my vitamins? Remember the essential oils? Take time to breathe? Write? Draw? Stretch? Am I saying nice things to my wife to ensure our relationship is healthy? Am I doing this right? Who are my teachers? Am I too rogue? How is my relationship with my family? It just doesn’t stop sometimes. Thankfully Woody snaps me out of it. There’s a kong on my neck. A decapitated moose on my forehead. And the remains of Lambie in my outstretched hand. He knows nothing of greyness. He just wants to play. And when he sees that maybe I’m not in the mood tonight, he does a few circles and curls up next to my stomach. He is the medicine.

10:02 a.m.

Back from my workout.

10 min treadmill walk

2 rounds jump rope (3 min rounds)

1 round alternating push-ups and squats

3 rounds on the heavy bag pretending I’m fighting for my life against the nastiest people in the world

10 jumping pull-ups followed by 5 box jumps for 5 rounds

And then some light core.

They are practicing tempo on the drums downstairs. I have to say, I’m impressed with the musical prowess of some of these newborns.

I passed Alexis and Woody at school on my way to the gym. He was ignoring all commands trying to play with the poodle puppy next to him.

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We are having a hard time cutting veggies because our knives are so dull. These are supposed to be good knives but no manufacturer banks on their domestic customers cooking 90 meals a month.

What do Days 31-40 look like? We’ve been talking about staying grain free for pretty much ever. Some of the comments on my brain fog post have inspired me to keep the grains away for sake of reclaiming some clarity. But what about dairy? Or Paris for that matter. A little piece of manchego at the Superbowl party perhaps? What harm will it really do? Guess we’ll find out.

How do you plan on exiting?

10:40 a.m.

Our mandoline slicer came in the mail. Ben and Laurin made the first suggestion, but it wasn’t until Ryan played a well-timed Bruce Hornsby song that it all came together for me.

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Alexis is having a hard time with Woody this morning. He was a handful at puppy class. He’s the oldest one there. Our son was officially held back because of ADHD. Now he’s eating the last remaining remnants of carpet we haven’t pulled up in the hallway. She takes it away from him and then he puts his head in the recycling bin and comes out with a receipt stuck to his face.

But breakfast was good.

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Eggs, bacon, butternut squash, mixed greens, and some turkey because, fuck it, why not?

10:49 a.m.

We are researching food delivery services. Just two or three meals a week to lighten the burden on Alexis. The deal is, I’ll cook those. I hate grocery stores. She likes them. But I know where this goes. She is always shopping and I am not participating and the fun of being in a relationship and helping each other out with things you don’t want to do on your own slowly slips away. Then we just function under standardized roles and neither of us feels really inspired. So how can I interject myself into this food process so that Alexis feels supported and loved and I feel engaged and stimulated? My best thought was these food delivery services. Which is basically me hiring an assistant to grocery shop for me so I can cook a few nights a week without the hassle of the 97 year old woman and her shopping cart in the middle of the tiny aisle at Trader Joe’s. I do think it’s endearing that she is still out and about so I would never be mean to her. But inside it does bother me that she isn’t more spatially aware given all her life experience.

10:56 a.m.

Oh god, they are singing downstairs. Or someone is. Someone that did a little bump of cocaine this morning when little baby Sandra wasn’t looking.

Do your ears hang low?

Do they wobble to a fro?

Can you tie them in a knot?

Can you tie them in a bow?

NO I FUCKING CAN’T LADY!!!

*is it absolutely the most terrible to say that for a second I was kind of hoping to hear a loud bang and then complete silence?

Yeah. Bad. Going to church.

11:03 a.m.

They aren’t working with me though. It is going off down there. This is worse than the time I accidentally walked by Clay Aiken’s dressing room while he was practicing his Whitney cover on the American Idol audition circuit.

I turn to Alexis and share with her my thoughts on how to stop the noise downstairs.

She looks at me, uncertain of how to respond – perhaps I’ve crossed over to a place that you can’t come back from – and then she laughs.

#truelove

“That would affect us though,” she says. Thoughtful little one.

“Not really. I have renter’s insurance.”

And you might be thinking, I signed up for a food blog about Whole30….what is happening?!

The Whole30 is what’s happening. Until I get chips, everyone is my enemy.

1:10 p.m.

Swung by Ryan and Michelle’s to watch some good old American football. Playoffs are my jam. Also, we needed to do laundry really badly and they have one of those fancy ones with the digital knob dial.

Alexis and Woody stayed home but there was no shortage of dogs.

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There was also no shortage of betrayal.

Ryan made his famous popovers. A warm, crispy, yet somehow gooey, biscuit that no doubt comforted our soldiers in Germany during WWII.

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Just soak them in butter why don’t you. Coat them in honey while you’re at it. I’ll just be over here, under the table, with my knees in my chest.

Chris asks a timely question – “How many more days do you have anyway?”

“Too many to still consider you a friend.”

When does the day come when I am no longer tempted? I think that’s when I’ll quit the Whole30 – when I don’t need it anymore.

***slow-motion mind explosion in 4K***

On the way over, Alexis and I stopped at WF for a quick lunch. I dropped a casual, “Who would I see about getting a refund for our last rotisserie?” at the checkout. Lady bought it hook, line, and sinker (whatever the fuck that really means) and gave us a chicken for free. Organic too. So the chicken wasn’t even mad.

It was at the table in the Whole Foods Bar – where we go for socializing – when I realized that people who chew with their mouths open should not be protected under the U.S. Constitution. This guy is tongue-jacking his food like it’s his gf who swears up and down she is incapable of having an orgasm.

I just waited for him to be done and tried not to picture it too much more than I already was.

But wait, shit biscuit has soup. At least he won’t chew with his….. wait….. never mind…. he’s slurping it.

Put him in the kid’s class, please.

4:12 p.m.

Laundry’s done.

Texted Alexis for pickup.

Woody was waiting shotgun. Sadly, there is no photo due to rain.

6:12 p.m.

Patriots are spanking the Steelers. Which is a conflicting experience for me because my family loves the Steelers and I love Tom Brady. People hate on him but the dude is a machine. And you gotta tip your hat to the old guy still getting the job done.

I helped scrape the “noodles” out of the squash. These aren’t fucking noodles. What do I look like to you?

Was fun though. Alexis almond-mealed the chicken and dropped the little nuggets in the pan. Whole30 pesto happening in the Vitamix.

And here we are, a mega dinner.

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6:55 p.m.

I will go on record and say that whenever I see the little almond meal nuggets going into the pan I feel like a kid on his first Christmas when he knows he’s getting Super Nintendo and like six games.

Dinner was a banger.

(It was really good).

7:26 p.m.

I am a bit concerned.

Woody has been running back and forth growling for the last eight minutes. No one is playing with him. He’s not chasing anything. We’re afraid to look him in the eye.

7:28 p.m.

Okay, thank god, he took a break for water.

7:29 p.m.

Actually no, he’s just standing in his water dish.

7:30 p.m.

And now he’s staring at himself in the mirror.

Touched.

7:34 p.m.

I’m already hungry again. I think the stomach shrinking has stopped and begun growing again. I can only eat so many oranges in a day.

75% Finished Analysis:

A Week In Finances:

1/13-14. Food in LA – $155 for 5 meals. None of them even remotely good. Thanks LA. Another solid you’ve done me.

1/15. Sprouts: $136

1/19. Whole Foods: $73

1/20. Baron’s: $30

$394 straight to the nuts. Woulda only been $239 without the price gouging of Venice.

A Week in Emotions:

I’ve been pretty low in the vibe department this week. Can’t blame anything on Whole30 other than it’s repetitive nature and the lack of nachos in my life. I am possibly placing too high an expectation on this diet for regulating my mood swings. So far it has not been effective. And again, this isn’t a perfect scientific study. There are too many factors to consider. Objectively speaking, I still have immense brain fog and bouts of depression.

A Week in Relationships:

Ask Alexis. I honestly can’t speak for her side of it. I am kind and appreciative but the above mentioned stuff makes it difficult to be a good partner while simultaneously feeling like a bag of used diapers. I guess I am harboring some guilt for not being more excitable. I feel on edge. Although I am not one to snap I can tell that I’m probably not as soft and affectionate as I could be right now.

A Week in Health:

Same old same old. Body is still lean. No noticeable changes over the last week. I have started to exercise more so this week could show some good results physically. I have slept pretty well the last two nights, which is a miracle for a kid who started having nightmares at two years old. Absolutely no consistency in the dump department. Sorry for those of you who somehow don’t like reading detailed accounts of someone else’s BMs. One minute it’s Campbell’s chunky soup and the next it’s hard to get anything out. My arm pits are back to smelling like an orangutan so I know those first five days were just due to not having enough energy to physically move and produce any odor. Energy levels are pretty consistent though. No crashes at all. Which I am hesitant to attribute to Whole30 because I don’t drink coffee or alcohol ever and usually run pretty high energy all day. Alexis is still on a poop streak that deserves its own hashtag. She still seems really clear to me. Peaceful. Confident.

A Week in Blogging:

Well, we got the big newsletter mention from Melissa and Whole30. That was really cool. Basically, this is like the best blog in the world for Whole30 comedic relief. Which is an honor, considering you can buy the Whole30 book at Costco.

We got a donkey kick from the newsletter and took over 16,000 hits that day. The next day was strong as well at around 7,500. Over the course of the week we have averaged roughly 5,000 unique visitors to the blog each day.

On a personal level, I feel as though the last few entries have been a little empty. When you write about something so much it becomes impossible to reinvent without completely changing the style, objective, topic areas, etc. And you don’t want to change too much because then you might lose some of the momentum in readership. So every day I remind myself that I’m just a humble writer and the practice of writing is what stimulates me, not the reception the writing receives from an audience (although let’s be honest that helps a lot). After this pep talk I am able to find honest and true words and feel like I have grown another day and become more experienced. I continue to produce content even when the well feels dry. That is as important as writing 21 days of hits because now I am writing in the presence of insecurity.

What are your plans for days 31-40?

Buenas.

 

Read Day 23 HERE.

Spread the word!

    25 Comments

    1. Laura
      January 22, 2017

      My first round was 47 days, my next round will be 30. I did wine, then beans, then rice and stopped there for a while. Tried some breads, but something with the wheat in the US doesn’t sut well with me so I try to avoid. I’ve done limited dairy with occasional goat or sheep cheese and that works pretty well. I’m still trying to find my food, freedom, forever – which means I will need to do another round soon.

      Reply
    2. January 22, 2017

      I’m planning on staying on most of the time. Maybe making exceptions for dairy here and there. Really enjoying your blog.

      Reply
    3. Megan
      January 23, 2017

      I am hysterical laughing and virtually high-giving you for this! Haha
      “I realized that people who chew with their mouths open should not be protected under the U.S. Constitution.”

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        I take it that you support my proposed amendment?

        Reply
    4. drcross68
      January 23, 2017

      Love your blog – and I am one of the ones that found it from the Whole 30 newsletter —- I am going for at least Whole 45 and then doing a slow re intro — starting with cheese or wine, depending on my mood when I get that far—– glad I started following you!
      http://www.roadleadinghome.com

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        can’t go wrong with cheese or wine. and baby shower Whole30 style, that’s impressive!

        Reply
    5. Carol
      January 23, 2017

      Please don’t stop writing! Your blogs are so honest in a sea of perky, life is a bowl of cherries type Whole 30 blogs.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        thank you for that. I often wonder if those people are doing the same diet as me.

        Reply
    6. Kelly
      January 23, 2017

      Wine, wine comes back ASAP for me, and goat and gourmet cheeses :) Also, we used to do Blue Apron, which was good, but is definitely not Paleo/Whole30 friendly. For this round of Whole30 I’ve been much more relaxed and have used Sun Basket, they have Paleo, gluten free, soy free etc options, not all are perfectly compliant but you can adjust and it definitely makes the whole meal planning shopping thing a bit easier. Alexis is killing it on keeping it interesting though and your meals all look super legit – usually my lunch is the same for us for the whole week, very boring.

      sunbasket.com/3free/Kelly319951 (obviously with my code in case you decide to try it! post Whole30) I’d be interested to see if Melissa has one she recommends

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        thanks for the tip! I’ve never heard of sunbasket but will check them out for sure. mmmmm gourmet cheeses. I pray to sweet baby jesus that I am able to eat a little bit of cheese here and there.

        Reply
    7. liz-ny
      January 23, 2017

      Over the weekend I thought a lot about what I’ll reintroduce and when – I am actually getting a little nervous about being given food freedom. Prior to Whole30, I had what I thought were really good eating habits (except for sugar – I am on this journey to kick sugar) but that may not be so. So I may just say screw the food and have a glass of red wine and go on eating like this…it’s not that hard.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        same. and the thought of being out in the open scares me too. if I still drank I’d have a guinness straight away and it would probably be the greatest beer of my life.

        Reply
    8. Erin
      January 23, 2017

      Love the honesty, love your voice, love hearing about Woody, even don’t mind (seems weird to say “love” here) hearing about the ups and downs of your elimination habits… in context, it totally makes sense that you would include them!

      You know you can eat as many vegetables (minus the exceptions), and to a lesser extent, fruit as you want, yes? Knowing that has often SAVED me when I’m hungry. I never thought I’d get so excited about red peppers and kale, but well… here we are.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        yeah we’ve been trying to eat more fruits and veggies in between meals. I tried for a plate of steamed broccoli tonight but I’m not quite there yet. I love fruit though!

        Reply
        • Erin
          January 23, 2017

          I agree, steamed broccoli is a drag and doesn’t really seem like a snack. Maybe try a few raw things together with crunch? I like an apple, a red pepper, carrots and kale, all cut into snacking size. Then I amuse myself by eating them in order from most to least sweet and back again. Takes about an hour and I am FULL. Sunshine sauce is great on raw veggies, btw.

          Reply
          • kirk hensler
            January 25, 2017

            gracias !

            Reply
    9. Amie
      January 23, 2017

      We’re going to keep going until closer to April. This is our third round and this time we added a no eating out challenge, just to make it interesting. It has been interesting. But we were just talking about how this has been our favorite round so far and that we’re both feeling so awesome! Tiger blood I guess. My husband goes through stages of being really hungry, he has figured out that those days he has not been doing the pre/post workout meal…just a thought! Enjoy the rest of the ride!

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        that is a good thought and one I picked up on today. thanks for the tip.

        Reply
    10. Angela
      January 23, 2017

      We are also going longer (90 days) as we have a wedding to prepare for. After we’re done we think we’ll go with a clean week followed by a cheat day…. This is our third time so we haven’t figured out how to stay disciplined when we’re given too much freedom. But if we’re going to hold ourselves to being super clean, rewarding ourselves with a cheat day seems reasonable… I dunno what the answer is….(for us)…

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        what does a cheat day consist of? everything?

        Reply
        • Angela
          January 23, 2017

          No clue.. probably just one meal of something we really want. I’ve heard this isn’t effective but neither is doing whole30 for life nor is eating like a an idiot… one cheat meal a week seems doable…

          Reply
    11. Joan
      January 23, 2017

      Pete’s Paleo is a San Diego based company that prepares amazing compliant meals that can be delivered or picked up locally. Each meals has 2 generous servings of vegetables and a large protein serving. It’s not cheap but they use organic produce and high-quality meats. It’s so nice to have when you’re in a rut and don’t feel like cooking. I’ve never been disappointed. Your blog has been a breath of fresh air as I make it through my second Whole30.

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        January 23, 2017

        I saw that one. Was thinking about it but $15 a plate and still having to make it yourself is just on the edge of what I’m willing to swallow right now.

        Reply
    12. April 6, 2017

      I cannot put into words how much I am loving your blog! Just discovered it a few days ago and now I’m limiting myself to one entry per day. Like a great book, I don’t want it to end. So damn funny!!! Caught myself randomly laughing about the Chinese tourist in the airport 2 days after I read it!

      Reply
      • kirk hensler
        April 6, 2017

        oh you are too kind! thank you. i was able to turn suffering into something enjoyable for other people.

        Reply
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