Whole30 Day 16 : Alexis Gets Pegged

8:16 a.m.

I weighted myself again. Because you know you weigh the least first thing in the morning. Only regret is that Jonah was in the tub and I couldn’t take a dump first.

8:56 a.m.

“Do you want to eat this?” Jonah asks as he holds out a baked marshmallow cookie.

“No Jonah, we can’t,” I replied.

“Why not?”

“Because we live in a world that isn’t fair.”

“Oh,” he said as he looked at his cookie.

9:08 a.m.

Before I fell asleep last night I got really light-headed. It was my sophomore year of college all over again when Southern Comfort was my best friend. Full spins and diminishing black hole. I was actually nervous for a second. Wasn’t sure why it was happening.

9:17 a.m.

Now Jonah is feeding me the the end of a coat hanger telling me it’s cake with frosting.

9:47 a.m.

Breakfast is coming out in segments. We had the panda bread with avocado and paleo bacon. Vanessa is making frittata in the oven right now.

We are talking about millennials. Technically, I am one. Although I deny it adamantly. Not that it’s all bad. I just don’t like the entitlement implications that come along with it. Alexis is a thoroughbred millennial and I like to site the difference between her generation and mine.

“But we’re the same generation.”

Vanessa asks why I don’t identify with millennials.

“I take pride in finishing thing and learning actual skills.”

My argument is that anyone 25 or younger now uses their phone to verify, disprove, or provide context to conversations and situations that are happening around them. Meaning, their smart phones are now their brains and their bodies are just mechanisms.

Jonah, 3, is mixing the batter for the frittata.

Yes, he has a boybun. Yes, he’s unbearably cute.

10:18 a.m.

This frittata is marvelous.

“What’s in it?”

Eggs, coconut oil, coconut milk, mushrooms, leeks, prosciutto, salt, pepper, and a pinch of garlic. (Please note, we forgot the spinach). (Please also note, I am not upset about this).

10:36 a.m.

There is a Swedish man here fixing Vanessa’s iPhone. It’s LA, you don’t take things into the store. He is wearing Y3 sneakers.

10:43 a.m.

I’m getting an education on socialism straight from the source. He only paid 25% income taxes. He had free healthcare, free university, a year of maternity leave, monthly allowance per child, and the freedom to entrepreneur if he wanted to make more money. Can someone tell me what the problem is with this?

Okay, so I asked him his biggest grievance with a socialist country. He said that when you are given everything you start to become very comfortable and take everything for granted. He prefers life here in LA. Wants to become rich in America. He said that when he had free healthcare he went to the doctor’s monthly and became a hypochondriac. Now that he’s in the U.S. and doesn’t have healthcare he hasn’t been to the doctor’s in a year and a half.  Some old-timers might say he’s finally put hair on his chest but this is a very fine line between empowering and subtly fatal.

My conclusion?

There is no perfect system.

The only solution – move to a new city or country every two years. Newness is the only thing that consistently makes us happy.

12:13 p.m.

This morning, the new role of toilet paper was put on the rack upside down. Just now, I noticed it had been turned right-side up. There is at least one person in this house who I can trust.

2:38 p.m.

Back from our walk to the farmer’s market. We stopped at place called Forage and had a chicken breast and market salad.

I wasn’t overly enthused about the food. So far, I’ve yet to eat anything at a restaurant as good as the stuff Alexis and I are making at home.

2:41 p.m.

Jonah just pooped his pants outside. He’s pulling them off and it’s chunked up in his butt crack. It’s been a while since I’ve seen poop like that. I picked him up and carried him past Alexis to the toilet.

“I’m not even phased,” Alexis says.

Since she butchered that duck she hasn’t been the same woman.

2:44 p.m.

Jonah just said that his poop is gnarly.

“I pooped some more on my leg you guys.”

Vanessa is scrambling to put his clothes in a plastic bag while negotiating a trimming fee with the new landscaper.

I often look for reasons to justify my stance on not wanting kids at this point in my life.

2:49 p.m.

The good thing about taking our diet on the road to LA is that we are actually the least picky people in the entire city.

Passing the bagels at Yeastie Boys was tough. The brioche buns on the avocado sandwiches at Forage were another shot to the heart.

We are both having a very hard time feeling nourished on this road trip. We ate a shitload of chicken but it didn’t do the trick. What are the psychological factors that contribute to a sense of “fullness” and how do they compare with the physical feeling of fullness? We ate a large portion and we both felt unsatisfied. My stomach is getting crampy like it does when I haven’t eaten enough. Is there a cleanse for being neurotic?

3:03 p.m.

Now Jonah is telling us about the poop experience as he stands on the chair with a towel wrapped around his body. Only the towel keeps falling off and you’re trying to keep a straight face and listen to his story but his weiner is right in front of your face.

3:30 p.m.

Now I’m reading him a Star Wars book.

I asked Alexis to take the picture. She accused me of always staging photos with cute kids and Woody so people think I am more sensitive than I am.

4:38 p.m.

After a pleasant drive across town in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 55 minutes, we have arrived to our studio hotel on the beach in Venice.

We are both very hungry and Alexis has a non-Whole30 headache. Because she hit her head really, really hard on a peg-board inspired art installation in Vanessa’s living room.

4:48 p.m.

I could barely eat grapes on the drive over. They were too sweet. Tasted like wrapped candy. Grapes. Further tangible evidence of change. Also, my face is a little red and my stomach reacted poorly. Which would mark the second time I have reacted this way after eating grapes. Which leads me to conclude that I should no longer eat grapes. Science.

Could just be that fruit on an empty stomach is too gnarly for me.

Either way, we are going out to explore the boardwalk and check out all the interesting freaks on Venice Beach.

8:41 p.m.

The walk started with a poor choice to get a salad at a tourist trap on the boardwalk. I should know from traveling that you never eat in the dense tourist areas. We did see a beautiful sunset though. And a bunch of ungrateful bastards that turned their backs to the green flash so they could post their selfies. If an alien were to visit and see the beauty of a sunset over the Pacific and then witness humans looking down at a tiny, three inch screen I think they would be gravely confused.

You’re looking at this saying, That’s fucking bread! They sure did bring the plate out with two pieces of toast with butter and we gently set them aside and carried on with our boring salad.

“That bread doesn’t even bother me,” I said.

“Serious? I can’t stop looking at it,” Alexis replied.

Then we walked to Abbott Kinney to check out the store fronts filled with $8000 dreamcatches and sweaters made of fair trade Alpaca. Some amazing architecture on this street though. I didn’t bring my camera. It weighs about ten pounds all in. And I wanted to feel free, like we were on vacation.

8:51

Alexis has a lump on her hairline from the pegging.

New England beat the Texans. Atlanta smashed the Seahawks.

There’s cable TV in our room and when you are graced with such a rare treat you have to watch Devil Wears Prada.

Alexis bought a $3 cardigan from a garage sale.

We had another meal because we were starving.

Grilled salmon with roasted yams and a house salad.

9:11 p.m.

Ahh, fuckin’ TV commercials. Worse than blue balls.

Since we are party animals we will probably take a shower and go to bed by 10. Maybe we’ll sneak in an episode of Breaking Bad. I admit, after three straight seasons I’m starting to lose my interest. Despite what an incredible show it is.

I am most excited to shave my beard in the sink and not panic about how to get all the hair out of the drain because this isn’t my apartment. My main reason for loving hotels. That and clean towels. But they are all trying to “go green” these days and act like they don’t wash towels anymore to protect the Earth. We all know it’s because it’s more cost effective for them.

No incredible bloating today. Although there is a commercial for corn oil on cable TV right now and it shows a happy family having dinner together but oddly it doesn’t know the kid’s small intestine keeling over and dying while the parents are prescribed medication because their brains are as cloudy as Seattle.

If you didn’t take a break from it all you’d never how what a rigged world we are living in.

Goodnight my friends. We’re over the hump and the mind has begun to know confidence.

 

Read Day 15 HERE.