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Whole30 Day 30 : This is Really the End

9:21 a.m.

The best way to stay in touch with Woody is through my Instagram. There is just no way around it. And to continue to read the blogs I post, as I will post many more blogs in my life, make sure you like the Kale & Cigs FB page. Those are the things I ask of you on this morning, our last morning.

It’s our last day of high school together. Most of us are graduating and 87% of us will be going away to college as we are a predominately white school. There are some that will do two years at the local CC because they are already in overbearing relationships, but they will likely change their minds by April of next year when they see that other, much more attractive and interesting people are away at school. I only wish that I was moving away from the baby cult rock band that runs the streets below me on early Saturday mornings.

I have a photoshoot today at a friend’s law firm (never can know enough lawyers) and Alexis has her first trunk show.

9:57 a.m.

I have just eaten some kind of sausage biscuit mcmuffin without any bread. I don’t know how she did it but it was amazing.

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*recipe here.

Am I eating too much salt? I am starting to have dry mouth after every meal. What does this mean? Someone please tell me.

10:45 a.m.

I gots ta go. Trying to help her carry her clothes and these nice chairs around the corner but also realizing that I hate being late and Woody destroyed his new toy in 12 hours.

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1:30 p.m.

On my way home from the shoot. Very hungry. Alexis is probably hungry too. Double accountability.

I knew it was a rotisserie I was after. It solves the most problems for the least amount of money and effort. Only I didn’t want to go to Whole Foods because it was technically out of the way. I swung by Albertson’s hoping they would have a naked rotisserie. Man was that a mistake. There was not a single thing in that store, minus the produce, that was Whole30 compliant. Just a bunch of boxed garbage coated in sugar. Bet it tastes good though.

My time saving maneuver ended up costing me another 45 minutes. I went by the house and then all the way up to Sprout’s because the local market didn’t have their roasts out yet.

And this Sprouts rotisserie was the size of a quail. I ate most of it before even getting to the salad making.

2:46 p.m.

Live from the trunk show bringing her a salad. Woody is hanging out eating all the plants. And laying in the sun. People want to be like Woody. He is good for business.

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I feel completely demotivated. What have I worked so hard for? What has really changed? It’s just me still, relatively healthy but completely psychotic and paranoid.

Tomorrow is the open field of choice and self-discipline and I’m afraid I’m going to fall flat on my ass.

4:40 p.m.

Michelle, Ryan, and J-Man stopped by to say hello. Jasper is using the force to steal my wallet. A new and exciting hobby for a four year old to pick up.

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But what’s more important than anything – The Shark has arrived.

6:07 p.m.

Our last Whole30 dinner. Tear. I would care more if our new vacuum didn’t just come in the mail. I vacuumed the floors with the upright base then the pillows with the handheld extension and then our duvet cover with the curtain attachment. The thing is like a transformer. Woody has been mostly barking at it and trying to eat through the cord.

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I am a vacuuming person and I am very happy about it. I can see pillows without dog hair and it gives my brain a familiar sense of peace.

7:03 p.m.

“Maybe I’ll go back to popcorn.”

I think we’re over it. And there’s no reason why. Why wouldn’t we just keep going if it is working for us? It didn’t break anything for me. It didn’t irrevocably change my relationship with food. The second I have just one bite of something – maybe a burrito, maybe popcorn, maybe a hot fudge sundae – the whole well will open back up. Because it’s all or nothing for me. I’m either on something or I’m off it. The only moderation I have is when I average the extremes that dictate my life. I am deeply interested maintaining this new, trim frame I’m carrying around however.

Dinner was good though. Cauliflower mash, roasted kavocha squash, and ground beef. I was tired of chicken. Plus I accidentally stuck my finger in the rotisserie’s butt and it made me feel weird and too personally attached to chickens.

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Woody is lying on top of my feet in a tight little ball. I wonder why he trusts me so much? Certainly makes me feel good.

After 30 days of eating like I imagine Jason Bourne used to in his prime nothing significant has shifted in my mindset. It’s like, I know doing yoga and meditating every night will help me arrive at a more harmonious level of living but I don’t do it. Some nights I walk right past my mat because I’m too tired or some other bullshit. I know cutting out sugar and grains had a significantly positive impact on my life. But tomorrow I’ll have gluten free pancakes with maple syrup and probably rub them all over my body by the time I’m finished. This craving to do what I know isn’t good or me long-term, but is oh so good in the moment – it’s not fixable. Make that course. Write that program. Teach me how to look at the things that benefit as exciting endeavors and not tedious work. And I’ll commit to another 30 days of writing.

7:52 p.m.

I have a headache! We need equipment to monitor ourselves 24/7. I’d buy it. This must be the salt. How can I be eating too much salt? There are people eating frozen dinner every night and they are fine. My grandparents lived into their 80s and they didn’t GAF about gluten or alcohol intolerance. I’ve been given the sensitive gene. And I hate it.

8:37 p.m.

Just finished the first round of edits on the law firm photos. I can’t share them just yet for legal reasons (ha!). But seriously, I can’t. These are important people.

I know you’re expecting something significant from me on this last day, but I’ll be honest – I’ve got nothin. We are low on groceries, low on morale, and our country is turning into, or rather revealing that it is, a racist pile of dookie right before our eyes.

9:24 p.m.

As far as continued Whole30 blogging goes, I’m undecided at the moment. I’m a coach that has just won the championship and really I can do whatever I want. I can go to Disney I can go to the Bahamas or I can stay home with my family and decide the best thing for us moving forward. I am interested to monitor our spending post Whole30. Will we actually spend more or less money without cooking every meal at home? And how long until I eat something undeniably bad for me.

As for tomorrow, we are talking about gluten free bread or gluten free pancakes to see how that impacts us. We might go out to breakfast. Enjoy ourselves a little. Celebrate if you will.

What did we spend in the 30 days afterall?

Week 1 – $480. Ouch, man. Couple of rookies.

Week 2 – $200. Hell of a trim job there, Alexis.

Week 3 – $394 (thanks to LA). $239 without the weekend getaway.

Week 4 – $264.

Whole30 Total Food Spend:

$1338

Bam. Take that one right in the dick!

Final Thoughts with Kirk:

I stand by an early assessment that we came into this thing as Californians. Non-drinkers and mostly healthy eaters. There was never a moment where I remember experiencing such radical transformation as to say this whole process was “life changing”. I know that at times I felt like it was changing our lives – the time spent focusing on foods, lack of socializing, prioritizing nutrients over taste, and different day-to-day stuff like that – but I don’t stand here today on Day 30 feeling touched. I feel more informed about food. I feel happy that I’ve lost weight and reduced inflammation. I know that Alexis is really pleased to have learned so many recipes and enhanced her cooking skills by 2,000 points. But I don’t feel overwhelmingly proud of myself. Sticking to things isn’t new to me. That in itself was an inevitability. I guess I just hoped for more. Which can’t be blamed on Whole30 entirely. As Greg said, “These are extraordinary times.” My focus has been pulled into many different directions. I’m fighting with people I don’t even know. Scrolling through media with pain in my heart. And feeling like my little yuppie food experiment is ultimately not that important.

I know we are supposed to spin things positively. It’s a thing we do in conversations.

“How’s work.”

“Oh you know, it’s not my favorite job. Buuuuuuttttt it’s been a great learning experience and given me and chance to practice a bunch of things I don’t necessarily like………”

I do this every time I talk.

“How are you?”

I’m in a fucking terrible mood.

“I’m doing good. How are you?”

“Good.”

Great, another wasted opportunity between people.

Anyway, I’m supposed to end this on a high note because that is what everyone would naturally expect. That’s what we almost need. But I can’t. I’m sick about our world and I’m tired of worrying about fucking gluten while people face such unbelievably unfair atrocities all over the world. If nothing else I’ve been humbled by my own privilege and freedom over the last 30 days. I’m glad we’ve laughed, don’t get me wrong. But I’d be lying if I said I felt like laughing right now.

So let’s wrap it up with my favorite food and Woody photos of the last 30 days.

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Okay, after looking through these I feel happier, more in touch with this experiment, and grateful for everything that has taken place. I get caught up sometimes. I just needed to rehash it for a second. Which reminds me of why I write in the first place – so that I can remember who I was and what I did and hopefully be inspired to do a little more and be a little better. It is such an effort to keep our minds right and our hearts filled with good intentions. But really an unparalleled reward when things are lining up.

A sincere, sincere thank you to everyone that has been following along and commenting through the process. It really means a lot to me and gives me a great sense of stimulation. I think taking a few days off from the blog will help this experience sink in even more.

And the biggest thank you to Chef Alexis for stepping up to the highest of all levels and taking on the cooking duties with such passion and interest.

Off to McDonald’s now ;)

Chowder.

 

Read Day 29 HERE.

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    18 Comments

    1. Sally McGuire
      January 29, 2017

      Sorry you never felt the “tiger blood.” That’s the motivation for me on my third round. Also drinking a shitton of water every day keeps the headaches at bay. And the dry mouth. As soon as I go back to “regular” food, it all goes away. Avoiding the sugar, using more fruit instead helps. Good luck!

      Reply
    2. Lissa
      January 29, 2017

      Why are you kicking us, your newly loyal raders, to the curb? Take the daily pressure off of yourself but keep us posted here and there. PLUS, coming off of the Whole 30 (and how you feel after going back to eating all that crap) will give you a brand new level of insight about your health and the Whole 30. You can’t sum it all up and tie it with a cute little bow now. You ain’t done bro!
      And finally, factor in how much you saved by not going out and eating shit. After completing several Whole 30s over the years eating out holds little appeal for me. You might actually be saving money.
      You are a cool and funny guy. It’s been fun reading your neurotic musings. Given our political shit show we need you (and funny people with a moral compass like you) more now than we ever did. Thanks for the fun. Enjoy those gf panckes. You’ve earned them!

      Reply
      • Philippa
        January 31, 2017

        +1000

        Reply
    3. January 29, 2017

      We are on day 20. It has been good, but as you said, not so transformative. I agree the grainlessness has worked like a charm to decrease inflammation and clear up the mind muck.
      Twelve days in my aunt died. My grandpa and his wife ( Who live in Santa Fe and drove all night to try and see her before she passed, missed her by 15 mins) needed a sanctuary for seven days while we waited for the ashes. I did my best to stay resolved. We did not slip and Grandpa and his wife Kathleen were happy to have someone cook for them and care for them through this tragic time. Our sweet, goofy, cuddly dogs did and exemplar job as well. They just know what we are feeling and how to love you just right.
      I guess it comes down to resolve, self care, and just giving your meat bag a break from all the shit this world throws at it. The world is going to the ass hats and we are over here eating well. It is weird and fucked. But it helps us stay clear of the dark rabbit hole. Good job on a whole30 days done well and thank you for inspiring me.

      p.s. I have some ongoing project that involve photos and photography. I’d like to meet y’all at your studio one day this week, if that works for you two. I’ll text you. Peace.

      Reply
    4. January 29, 2017

      It’s day 30 here for me and your last post has captured most of my experience. I’m doubly proud because I had to make most of my own meals. First foods tomorrow are pizza, pancakes, and ice cream. Don’t worry, only a little and maybe only 2 of the 3. Got to maintain my new yoga teacher appropriate figure.
      Thanks for taking this on, Kirk.

      Reply
    5. Linda in San Diego
      January 29, 2017

      I don’t want you to “end the blog on a high note.” When I read it, a strong voice inside my head was screaming, “NOOOO!!!” I want the blog to end as your blog has always been: brutally honest, tell us like it is, and blend it with your quirky sense of humor. If you have sounded like a Whole30 commercial, I would have clicked on some other link to read 29 days ago.

      May I send you some poppy pads or a new dog toy?

      Though I can’t quite echo the Whole30 experience, I can echo and understand relationships, arguments, intimacy, and even ‘egregious.’ I can echo yoga(and skipping yoga), deep breaths and the sense of relaxation, however temporary and fleeing it sometimes may be. I can echo the love for Sarah Clark. I am more aware and sensitive to what I am thinking. I am also inspired to write more. As you said it, the thoughts, after sinking in, may be even better. Fine, we will let it marinate for a little while. For now, like how an anonymous meeting would end, thanks for sharing.

      Reply
    6. Andrea
      January 29, 2017

      Congratulations! or whatever… lol If you end the Whole30 with more awareness of how food affects your life (the good, the bad, the oogly) then you have met it’s purpose. That’s my take on it. Seeing as I’m halfway through round 3, and as it would be- 3rd times a charm.(knock on wood) My husband was a lunchtime soda drinker so he felt it more than I did in the sugar withdrawals. The one thing I found from the first 2 rounds (both ending on day 28 because I was a weak willed pansy) is that I had to overcome the thought that the Whole30 forbidden foods were bad in general, like my beloved steel cut oats or rice, quinoa, etc. Well… no- not unless they affect you negatively. Or beans.. (that’s still debatable for so MANY reasons) But pasta? What was once my go-to love affair of pasta is over, it has been over since round one. This shocks me as well as my soul mate- Mr. Cheese. Cheese is no longer dominating my food intake. I still miss my beloved *real* sourdough I make from scratch (no commercial yeast). It’s a process. As is life. I hope you still blog on occasion with post Whole30 updates. Your words have brought humor and honesty back.

      Reply
    7. January 29, 2017

      I love your blog. Not just your honesty about Whole30 but your voice. If you keep blogging I’ll keep reading. Thanks!

      Reply
    8. Allison
      January 29, 2017

      Thanks to all three of you for this wonderful chronicle of your first Whole30. I have enjoyed every post. I am on round two with 10 more days until 30, and also never really feel the life-changing feelings other get. I do this to get myself back on track. This time it came during a stressful time at work, and the discipline has kept me from self-soothing with wine and chocolate! My joints also feel better after the holiday free-for-all I went on last year.
      I will follow you on FB, please keep writing. It is really fun to taste the “forbidden” foods again after 30 days. I would like to hear your and Alexis’ experiences with those re-introductions. Blog on, Kirk!

      Reply
    9. Kathy
      January 29, 2017

      Thank you for your humour, insight and honesty! I’ve loved following your adventure.:)
      I’d also love to hear how the food reintroductions go for both of you. I’m still toying with the idea of doing my first Whole30, and it’s the food reintroduction stuff that’s giving me the cold sweats! How?? What?? Arg!!!!
      Hope to hear more of your journey. Cheers!

      Reply
    10. January 30, 2017

      I’ve held off reading your Day 30 post because I don’t want this to end!
      Your sincerity, sarcasm, humour and tell-it-how-it-is journal has not only had me in stitches, it’s made me (honestly) analyse my own Whole30 disappointments and achievements.
      I never got the highly anticipated tiger blood – i was tired and lacked energy from Day 6 through to Day 30. The grainless, bunless, yoghurtless, beanless, lollyless days didn’t bother me nearly as much as being wineless for more than 24hrs. God i missed booze so, so much. Funny how we all suffer individually, hey? On Day 33 (remarkably i managed an additional 2 days) I went on a Carbocobana bender and was shovelling pizza and red wine for dinner that night. The wine tasted like cat’s piss and i woke the following morning with a thumping headache, a blocked nose and absolutely no idea which Whole30 contraband was the cause of my afflictions.
      What I did gain was an entire new respect and love for myslef (yep…just like your ‘technical’). The freedom from calorie counting, starving, weighing food, weighing myself, burning more than I was consuming along with every other punishment associated with mainstream diets was a psychological breath of fresh air and living a post Whole30 life about 80% of the time is working well for me.
      I hope one day you are able to find your freedom too, whatever that may be.

      It has been a real pleasure reading your posts.

      Thank you!

      Reply
    11. Donna
      January 30, 2017

      Kirk, I’m 3 days behind you on the Whole30. I had a bad case of holiday excesses and a major cold so I started Jan 4. Thank you for the inspirations and food porn. Your honest musings and the fabulous photos have kept me going. My take-away thus far: I’ve learned that sugar is everywhere, I actually like sweet potatoes, I miss cheese, and that Alexis is a much more inventive cook than I’ll ever be. How about channeling post-whole30 chronicles to a food blog from her with your camera capturing her creations (hint, hint). At the very least, satisfy our collective curiosity with your first post-whole30 meal. I think mine will be a pizza Margarita-doubly satisfying whammy of bread and cheese. It’s been a fun ride with you, Alexis and Woody…..Cheers!

      Reply
    12. monique
      January 30, 2017

      congrats!! regardless how you’re feeling right now…. you did it! after having done a few W30′s, i tend to find day 31 the hardest. still being in a W30 frame of mind makes it tough. be careful… its too easy to fall back into old habits. i’ve done both – continue W30ing, and completely lose my mind and eat everything in sight. i know the consequences… but… cheese!!! gimme cheese!!!
      keep the posts coming. i am now a fan and will read whatever you’re posting! good luck and continued success!!

      Reply
    13. Alicia
      January 30, 2017

      It’s possible that you are my spirit animal when it comes to your aversion to odd food textures and animal products. I might have dry-heaved when you mentioned biting into something hard in your salmon salad and I fully saluted you for charging through. I would have been done and unable to consume salmon for at least 6 months. I’ve been known to hold chewed food in my mouth for upwards of a minute trying to convince myself to just.swallow.it. The massive amount of animal products and equally proportional opportunities to bite into something that cannot be chewed or identified is one of the most difficult parts of Whole30 for me.

      The hype surrounding Whole30 can cause unrealistic expectations. I equate it to the obsession and over-hyping of the hilarity that was Napoleon Dynamite. I considered wearing a diaper to the theater as I was sure, by all accounts, that this was the most hilarious movie of all time and I would surely soil myself in fits of laughter. However, I left wondering why I just wasted two hours of my life. Was it really not funny or was it just that my expectations were entirely too high? I’ll never know. There are few things I would describe as life-changing: losing my legs in battle, perhaps, or being forced to return to Iraq despite the fact that I flew here from Sweden, because the US president is an asshat. A change in what I eat? Not so life-changing. In fact, my first Whole30 was miserable. I never got that promised burst of energy, I was incredibly irritable, and I might have had a headache all 30 days. I am in the midst of the second one and while it is better, I don’t suspect any miracles are to be expected in the next ten days. I’d tell you to stick with it longer, but I’d never do that myself, so I won’t give you that kind of hypocritical advice. But I will encourage you to do it again and see if anything changes.

      Your blog has become my daily devotional so I hope you keep writing, even if it isn’t about bread-free breakfast sandwiches or how to desecrate a duck.

      Reply
    14. Fred
      February 1, 2017

      Your blog is a riot!
      Love your humor and your talent shows in the pictures you post.
      So, are you going to do a Whole30? Don’t get all defensive, but you just completed 30 days of…something? I mean, really, “panda bread”? fake tortillas? multiple RX Bars? wtf?
      And, please, fortheluvagod, if you are hungry just eat more food. You ate like a bird last month!

      Reply
      • C.Williams
        April 5, 2017

        True dat! I really didn’t think he ate enough!

        Reply
    15. Julianne wilhelm
      February 6, 2017

      Love your blog. Would also love to hear how you’re doing now that you’re… about 10 days post whole30? I finished on day 31 and I’ve got to say….I’m in your same boat. I want my popcorn. I want to worry about things other than the sugar in my marinara sauce. I don’t want to make my own damn salad dressing ever again.
      Cheers from a big fan.
      -Julianne

      Reply
    16. Diane
      February 8, 2017

      Thank you for ending… I agree with you on how it is hard to keep being fresh with the same topic. I have a lot of friends/family who live/talk W30 and your blog was refreshing, and ended at the perfect time – because there is life beyond W30 ;-) Wishing you and your family well. Woof!

      Reply
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